Would You Cheat on a Spouse?

[Anguille]

You've touched on a lot of important issues here.

The rules of the game have changed quite a bit. When a woman stayed home, and she was a housewife and raised kids, the expectation of sex on a regular basis may have seemed more reasonable. Today, with most women working out of the house and continuing to cook, doing almost all domestic chores as doing the wash and cleaning the house, and looking after kids' bedtimes and homework, makes for very tired wives.

The line between husbandly duties and wifely duties have blurred. If you're living in the 21st century America and you think it's "unmanly" to do the dishes or make a few meals, think again. There are husbands staying at home raising their kids, while the wives bring home the bacon, is that less manly? So don't expect to have a perky wife at 10:30 at night if you haven't helped her with the cooking and cleaning, and have expected the house to be in order.

I've worked outside of the home (due to choice, not necessity) and now I'm home, homeschooling my kids. While we live a conservative lifestyle, our views toward spouses' roles are not conventional. My husband has said to me, "You spend too much time in the kitchen..." He will vacuum if he sees that a room needs vacuuming. He's more like a frontier type of guy that would prefer to do things for himself. I also don't mind picking up some tools and putting together a piece of furniture.

I think men have lost respect in the the current society. It started with women's lib, but I think that's another thread.

I agree with Catz, that it is foolish for women to believe that they can refuse sex and the expect the relationship to stay in equilibrium. What if the husband just refused to do some of the things that were taken for granted? What if he went on strike and refused to change the oil in the car or forget to mow the lawn? Maybe that will get her attention.

If things reach a point where you are considering refusing sex for reasons other than fatigue or illness, then it's time to take stock before things get worse. But any amount of sex or lack of it is normal, as long as both parties are okay with it. Generally though, there are times when one is in the mood and the other isn't. We are all individuals with separate lives. We have to adjust and accommodate and be open to having our moods changed. Being lovers means being friends who share bodies.

 

[dilloduck]

Being lovers means being friends who share bodies.

at the minimum.

 

[catzmeow]

Obviously, a lot... but to some of the posters in this thread, he's either got to divorce her or jerk off until one of the two of them dies. I don't know... I'm all for loyalty, but it seems that in circumstances like this, it wouldn't be immoral to, eh, seek some comfort.

I also think, at the risk of turning this into a men v. women thread, that men are kinda screwed today in marriage. (I know they are in divorce... read Alex Baldwin's book on this.) It's basically a function of how feminism gave women a ton of extra rights, but men got nothing in exchange... for instance, one advantage of a more traditional time was that a woman didn't work all day long and come home as dog-tired as her husband... so maybe sex was a little easier then? Just guessing.

Wait. I need to pause briefly and laugh my ass off. One thing men "got" from feminism was not having to carry the burden of the family, financially, alone anymore. You don't think that's huge, for many men? I know very few women who are working because they WANT to. I know a TON who are working because the family needs their income. If that's the case, then both spouses should share equally in the other responsibility, as well.

As far as cheating, I still think it's immoral. It's not the fact that you are having sex with another woman that bothers me, it's the dishonesty and deception involved in infidelity. I would personally advise having an honest conversation with the sexually disinterested spouse.

I'm not saying that you should make an ultimatum, but the spouse who chooses not to have sex should know that he/she is putting you in a difficult position, physically and sexually speaking, and that if the two of you are not going to be havings sex within the bounds of marriage, she is basically pushing you to pursue sex elsewhere. That isn't an ultimatum, it is a simple reality. It's saying: "I need this, and it is reasonable to want it in my marriage. If you don't want it, then I will go elsewhere so as not to bother you." Of course, she also has to realize that the risk is great that you may form an emotional connection with someone else, over time, and it may destabilize your marriage. But, refusing to have sex with your marriage partner is incredibly destabilizing to the marriage.

Don't cheat. Tell your wife how things are, and allow her to choose between several options. If you are going to pursue sex outside of your marriage, make sure that your wife has a chance to opt out of that scenario.

In essence, grow a ballsack and a spine. Deal with your problems openly and honestly. Tell her the truth.

 

[PoliticalChic]

Obviously, a lot... but to some of the posters in this thread, he's either got to divorce her or jerk off until one of the two of them dies. I don't know... I'm all for loyalty, but it seems that in circumstances like this, it wouldn't be immoral to, eh, seek some comfort.

I also think, at the risk of turning this into a men v. women thread, that men are kinda screwed today in marriage. (I know they are in divorce... read Alex Baldwin's book on this.) It's basically a function of how feminism gave women a ton of extra rights, but men got nothing in exchange... for instance, one advantage of a more traditional time was that a woman didn't work all day long and come home as dog-tired as her husband... so maybe sex was a little easier then? Just guessing.

Wait. I need to pause briefly and laugh my ass off. One thing men "got" from feminism was not having to carry the burden of the family, financially, alone anymore. You don't think that's huge, for many men? I know very few women who are working because they WANT to. I know a TON who are working because the family needs their income. If that's the case, then both spouses should share equally in the other responsibility, as well.

As far as cheating, I still think it's immoral. It's not the fact that you are having sex with another woman that bothers me, it's the dishonesty and deception involved in infidelity. I would personally advise having an honest conversation with the sexually disinterested spouse.

I'm not saying that you should make an ultimatum, but the spouse who chooses not to have sex should know that he/she is putting you in a difficult position, physically and sexually speaking, and that if the two of you are not going to be havings sex within the bounds of marriage, she is basically pushing you to pursue sex elsewhere. That isn't an ultimatum, it is a simple reality. It's saying: "I need this, and it is reasonable to want it in my marriage. If you don't want it, then I will go elsewhere so as not to bother you." Of course, she also has to realize that the risk is great that you may form an emotional connection with someone else, over time, and it may destabilize your marriage. But, refusing to have sex with your marriage partner is incredibly destabilizing to the marriage.

Don't cheat. Tell your wife how things are, and allow her to choose between several options. If you are going to pursue sex outside of your marriage, make sure that your wife has a chance to opt out of that scenario.

In essence, grow a ballsack and a spine. Deal with your problems openly and honestly. Tell her the truth.

I agree with you for the most of the post except this one point. I have met women who don't have to work, but choose to because they don't want to stay home with the kids. One woman told me that she gets depressed when she stays at home. People's lifestyles can be changed to varying degrees if they believe that one parent should be home with the kids.

 

[catzmeow]

I agree with you for the most of the post except this one point. I have met women who don't have to work, but choose to because they don't want to stay home with the kids. One woman told me that she gets depressed when she stays at home. People's lifestyles can be changed to varying degrees if they believe that one parent should be home with the kids.

I know very few people in my area who could survive financially without the wife working. But then, we're all middle class.

 

[Arthur]

Yes and no.

 

[Truthspeaker]

What if the spouse just refused to have sex?

Never cheat. Just leave her.

 

[Arthur]

William Joyce--

Don't cheat even for the reason in the OP. Been there, done that. It's a disaster.

 

[PoliticalChic]

You've touched on a lot of important issues here.

The rules of the game have changed quite a bit. When a woman stayed home, and she was a housewife and raised kids, the expectation of sex on a regular basis may have seemed more reasonable. Today, with most women working out of the house and continuing to cook, doing almost all domestic chores as doing the wash and cleaning the house, and looking after kids' bedtimes and homework, makes for very tired wives.

The line between husbandly duties and wifely duties have blurred. If you're living in the 21st century America and you think it's "unmanly" to do the dishes or make a few meals, think again. There are husbands staying at home raising their kids, while the wives bring home the bacon, is that less manly? So don't expect to have a perky wife at 10:30 at night if you haven't helped her with the cooking and cleaning, and have expected the house to be in order.

I've worked outside of the home (due to choice, not necessity) and now I'm home, homeschooling my kids. While we live a conservative lifestyle, our views toward spouses' roles are not conventional. My husband has said to me, "You spend too much time in the kitchen..." He will vacuum if he sees that a room needs vacuuming. He's more like a frontier type of guy that would prefer to do things for himself. I also don't mind picking up some tools and putting together a piece of furniture.

I think men have lost respect in the the current society. It started with women's lib, but I think that's another thread.

I agree with Catz, that it is foolish for women to believe that they can refuse sex and the expect the relationship to stay in equilibrium. What if the husband just refused to do some of the things that were taken for granted? What if he went on strike and refused to change the oil in the car or forget to mow the lawn? Maybe that will get her attention.

If things reach a point where you are considering refusing sex for reasons other than fatigue or illness, then it's time to take stock before things get worse. But any amount of sex or lack of it is normal, as long as both parties are okay with it. Generally though, there are times when one is in the mood and the other isn't. We are all individuals with separate lives. We have to adjust and accommodate and be open to having our moods changed. Being lovers means being friends who share bodies.

I sometimes question the legitamcy of the fatigue factor. How often can one use that excuse and get away with it. You can't call in to work and say, "I'm a bit worn out today..."

When your kids are hungry, one can't say, "Go fix your own supper because I'm too tired..."

At some point, the spouse will get angry to a point beyond words.

 

[Anguille]

Sounds like a louse of a spouse.

 

[Arthur]

So, Political Chick--you put out even when you don't feel like it? Cause it's like feeding your kids? Marital duty?

 

[PoliticalChic]

So, Political Chick--you put out even when you don't feel like it? Cause it's like feeding your kids? Marital duty?

My husband wants sex all the time and his desire hasn't waned one bit since we first met over 15 years ago. Use your imagination. LOL. It helps that he works out 3x a week and can easily charm the pants off me.

 

[007]

So, Political Chick--you put out even when you don't feel like it? Cause it's like feeding your kids? Marital duty?

My husband wants sex all the time and his desire hasn't waned one bit since we first met over 15 years ago. Use your imagination. LOL. It helps that he works out 3x a week and can easily charm the pants off me.

If that's the case, you probably look pretty good still too...

 

[Arthur]

So, Political Chick--you put out even when you don't feel like it? Cause it's like feeding your kids? Marital duty?

My husband wants sex all the time and his desire hasn't waned one bit since we first met over 15 years ago. Use your imagination. LOL. It helps that he works out 3x a week and can easily charm the pants off me.

I thought you were saying you had to 'lie back and think of England".

 

[PoliticalChic]

So, Political Chick--you put out even when you don't feel like it? Cause it's like feeding your kids? Marital duty?

My husband wants sex all the time and his desire hasn't waned one bit since we first met over 15 years ago. Use your imagination. LOL. It helps that he works out 3x a week and can easily charm the pants off me.

If that's the case, you probably look pretty good still too...

I don't deny it. I think it turns him on that I still turn heads.