CDZ Whom do you think bears the onus for marital fidelity?

[JoeMoma]

That's probably true as goes their commencement. Eventually, it becomes mutual, even if only by dint of acquiescence. I could be mistaken, but I think at some point, everyone who divorces realizes they are better off without their former partner than they would have been remaining in an unsatisfying marriage.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

“I, ________, take thee, ________, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to ...”

 

[usmbguest5318]

That's probably true as goes their commencement. Eventually, it becomes mutual, even if only by dint of acquiescence. I could be mistaken, but I think at some point, everyone who divorces realizes they are better off without their former partner than they would have been remaining in an unsatisfying marriage.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

“I, ________, take thee, ________, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to ...”

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

??? This is the remark that inspired my thoughts:

So the way to not break the marriage vows by cheating is to break the marriage vows by getting a divorce.

• If the vows were broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce cannot be a means by which one broke one 's marriage vows. Obtaining the divorce can, depending on what one promised (namely the "death do us part bit), be an additional means by which one breaks one's promise to one's spouse. After all, one need not become enamoured with another person to become "sick and tired" of the spouse one has. LOL
• If the vows were not broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce breaks only the "until death do us part" portion of the promise, provided that attestation be among the vows.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair. Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Yes, that happens....

I'll be honest I have only two good friends who're divorced. (I have quite a few acquaintances who are, and some have remarried, but I don't discuss their marriages, divorces or much else about their love-relationships with them. I also don't with them discuss mine.) They were once married. They still love each other. They just don't belong together as a married couple, mainly because his career interests and her vision of what married life is supposed to be like are incompatible. She's remarried; he has not, but he's got a lady friend with whom he's happy and she's happy with him. They both like the "weekend lovers" nature of their relationship. He, his ex, his ex's spouse, and his lady friend get along swimmingly. They even travel together.

 

[JoeMoma]

That's probably true as goes their commencement. Eventually, it becomes mutual, even if only by dint of acquiescence. I could be mistaken, but I think at some point, everyone who divorces realizes they are better off without their former partner than they would have been remaining in an unsatisfying marriage.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

“I, ________, take thee, ________, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to ...”

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

??? This is the remark that inspired my thoughts:

So the way to not break the marriage vows by cheating is to break the marriage vows by getting a divorce.

• If the vows were broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce cannot be a means by which one broke one 's marriage vows. Obtaining the divorce can, depending on what one promised (namely the "death do us part bit), be an additional means by which one breaks one's promise to one's spouse. After all, one need not become enamoured with another person to become "sick and tired" of the spouse one has. LOL
• If the vows were not broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce breaks only the "until death do us part" portion of the promise, provided that attestation be among the vows.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair. Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Yes, that happens....

I'll be honest I have only two good friends who're divorced. (I have quite a few acquaintances who are, and some have remarried, but I don't discuss their marriages, divorces or much else about their love-relationships with them. I also don't with them discuss mine.) They were once married. They still love each other. They just don't belong together as a married couple, mainly because his career interests and her vision of what married life is supposed to be like are incompatible. She's remarried; he has not, but he's got a lady friend with whom he's happy and she's happy with him. They both like the "weekend lovers" nature of their relationship. He, his ex, his ex's spouse, and his lady friend get along swimmingly. They even travel together.

Going back to the threads title — who bears the onus for marital Fidelity?..... it’s usually complicated. Sometimes children are involved, or one marriage partner seems to hold more power in the relationship than the other. Most define infidelity I never a marriage to be a sexual affair, but many would also agree that it can be emotional or finical. For example, the husband of wife that secretly runs up a $50,000 debt on credit cards while lying about sticking to a budget is guilty of finical infidelity.

But back to sexual infidelity. When there are already serious issues in a marriage it’s often much easier to fall to tempentation. The wife becomes cold to her husband because he’s acting like his job, money and toys are more important than her. He blames her for being cold to him, then when the sexy coworker flirts and temps him, he falls......but he didn’t plan the infidelity.......it was a moment of weakness. Yes, it’s his fault....mostly his fault. But it takes two to make a marriage strong. The husband should cherish his wife and the wife her husband.

 

[usmbguest5318]

That's probably true as goes their commencement. Eventually, it becomes mutual, even if only by dint of acquiescence. I could be mistaken, but I think at some point, everyone who divorces realizes they are better off without their former partner than they would have been remaining in an unsatisfying marriage.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

“I, ________, take thee, ________, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to ...”

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

??? This is the remark that inspired my thoughts:

So the way to not break the marriage vows by cheating is to break the marriage vows by getting a divorce.

• If the vows were broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce cannot be a means by which one broke one 's marriage vows. Obtaining the divorce can, depending on what one promised (namely the "death do us part bit), be an additional means by which one breaks one's promise to one's spouse. After all, one need not become enamoured with another person to become "sick and tired" of the spouse one has. LOL
• If the vows were not broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce breaks only the "until death do us part" portion of the promise, provided that attestation be among the vows.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair. Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Yes, that happens....

I'll be honest I have only two good friends who're divorced. (I have quite a few acquaintances who are, and some have remarried, but I don't discuss their marriages, divorces or much else about their love-relationships with them. I also don't with them discuss mine.) They were once married. They still love each other. They just don't belong together as a married couple, mainly because his career interests and her vision of what married life is supposed to be like are incompatible. She's remarried; he has not, but he's got a lady friend with whom he's happy and she's happy with him. They both like the "weekend lovers" nature of their relationship. He, his ex, his ex's spouse, and his lady friend get along swimmingly. They even travel together.

Going back to the threads title — who bears the onus for marital Fidelity?..... it’s usually complicated. Sometimes children are involved, or one marriage partner seems to hold more power in the relationship than the other. Most define infidelity I never a marriage to be a sexual affair, but many would also agree that it can be emotional or finical. For example, the husband of wife that secretly runs up a $50,000 debt on credit cards while lying about sticking to a budget is guilty of finical infidelity.

But back to sexual infidelity. When there are already serious issues in a marriage it’s often much easier to fall to tempentation. The wife becomes cold to her husband because he’s acting like his job, money and toys are more important than her. He blames her for being cold to him, then when the sexy coworker flirts and temps him, he falls......but he didn’t plan the infidelity.......it was a moment of weakness. Yes, it’s his fault....mostly his fault. But it takes two to make a marriage strong. The husband should cherish his wife and the wife her husband.

I agree with much of what you wrote above; however:

• Who bears the onus for marital fidelity strikes me as a very simple question and it has very simple answers. Arriving at those answers likely takes a good deal of thought.
• Most all of what you've described are ways that various aspects of marital fidelity can be breached. All the ways in the world, however, do not alter who bears the responsibility for marital fidelity: minimally the the individuals who are married bear the onus. Too, IMO, two dimensions of fidelity, sexual and mental, can, under the right circumstances, confer a measure of the burden to a third party.

 

[JoeMoma]

Who bears the onus for marital fidelity strikes me as a very simple question and it has very simple answers. Arriving at those answers likely takes a good deal of thought

It may seem like a simple question with a simply answer, but the dynamics of what goes on within a marriage are rarely simple.

 

[ChrisL]

If the other spouse isn't into having sex anymore, then that is a whole other issue! It is either a personal problem or the other spouse is doing something wrong. I think a lot of partners probably lose interest in sex with their spouse when it becomes routine and boring, when it is no longer passionate and/or exciting. Those are things that couples are supposed to work on, to make their sex lives more exciting. Then, sometimes you are going to be not sexually compatible with some people too. Some people are going to be more risque sexually than other people and want to do some things that some people may not feel comfortable doing, so there is another whole SLEW of complications!

Would you consider it "cheating" if the two people had an "open marriage"?

What if one of the partners was unable to perform sexually, but the other person was still sexually active?

I actually knew a couple like that. The man had gotten injured in the military and was no longer able to have sex. But, he didn't want to stop his wife from doing so, so he and his wife had an arrangement where she could go and pick up guys, and she would have sex with them while he watched.

Well, to me it would be. I would never agree to such a relationship. If I loved the person I was with, I wouldn't want to have sex with someone else. Sex for me is an expression of my love for someone. If I needed to have sex just for the sake of sex, there are hands for that.

 

[ChrisL]

That's probably true as goes their commencement. Eventually, it becomes mutual, even if only by dint of acquiescence. I could be mistaken, but I think at some point, everyone who divorces realizes they are better off without their former partner than they would have been remaining in an unsatisfying marriage.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

“I, ________, take thee, ________, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to ...”

Unfortunately, you cannot force yourself to love a person that you don't even really like. Better to separate because if you are miserable, then so is everyone around you.

 

[ChrisL]

Who bears the onus for marital fidelity strikes me as a very simple question and it has very simple answers. Arriving at those answers likely takes a good deal of thought

It may seem like a simple question with a simply answer, but the dynamics of what goes on within a marriage are rarely simple.

Sure. I'm sure the two people in the marriage are the only ones who can figure out if it is something worth saving or not. Not every relationship is worth saving in reality.

 

[Esmeralda]

Both parties take the vow so both should be responsible for upholding it, of course. Why would you even question that?

This I agree with. There are no excuses. If you are unhappy in your marriage, you talk to your spouse and you agree to go to marriage counseling. If your spouse won't go, or if the counseling doesn't work, then you get a divorce. Cheating is not part of the deal, ever.

 

[ChrisL]

That's probably true as goes their commencement. Eventually, it becomes mutual, even if only by dint of acquiescence. I could be mistaken, but I think at some point, everyone who divorces realizes they are better off without their former partner than they would have been remaining in an unsatisfying marriage.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

“I, ________, take thee, ________, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to ...”

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair.
Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken.

??? This is the remark that inspired my thoughts:

So the way to not break the marriage vows by cheating is to break the marriage vows by getting a divorce.

• If the vows were broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce cannot be a means by which one broke one 's marriage vows. Obtaining the divorce can, depending on what one promised (namely the "death do us part bit), be an additional means by which one breaks one's promise to one's spouse. After all, one need not become enamoured with another person to become "sick and tired" of the spouse one has. LOL
• If the vows were not broken -- however they be broken -- before the divorce decree, getting a divorce breaks only the "until death do us part" portion of the promise, provided that attestation be among the vows.

Usually when a couple divorces, the vows have already been broken. Not necessarily an affair. Usually to love and cherish vows have been broken.

Yes, that happens....

I'll be honest I have only two good friends who're divorced. (I have quite a few acquaintances who are, and some have remarried, but I don't discuss their marriages, divorces or much else about their love-relationships with them. I also don't with them discuss mine.) They were once married. They still love each other. They just don't belong together as a married couple, mainly because his career interests and her vision of what married life is supposed to be like are incompatible. She's remarried; he has not, but he's got a lady friend with whom he's happy and she's happy with him. They both like the "weekend lovers" nature of their relationship. He, his ex, his ex's spouse, and his lady friend get along swimmingly. They even travel together.

Going back to the threads title — who bears the onus for marital Fidelity?..... it’s usually complicated. Sometimes children are involved, or one marriage partner seems to hold more power in the relationship than the other. Most define infidelity I never a marriage to be a sexual affair, but many would also agree that it can be emotional or finical. For example, the husband of wife that secretly runs up a $50,000 debt on credit cards while lying about sticking to a budget is guilty of finical infidelity.

But back to sexual infidelity. When there are already serious issues in a marriage it’s often much easier to fall to tempentation. The wife becomes cold to her husband because he’s acting like his job, money and toys are more important than her. He blames her for being cold to him, then when the sexy coworker flirts and temps him, he falls......but he didn’t plan the infidelity.......it was a moment of weakness. Yes, it’s his fault....mostly his fault. But it takes two to make a marriage strong. The husband should cherish his wife and the wife her husband.

Great post, and I totally agree. If one or both spouses are cheating, then they obviously do not like or respect one another. That is what I would gather from a cheating spouse anyway. I would think that this guy doesn't take me or our relationship seriously and it would be very difficult if not impossible to ever trust him again. That right there could mean the end of the relationship. If you cannot forgive and forget, then moving forward in the relationship or repairing it would be nearly impossible. Not only is there disrespect, but distrust as well. Everyone is unique and an individual and everyone has their own things that they can or cannot tolerate in another person as far as a serious relationship goes.