Whiny Friend

[Cecilie1200]

How do you go about telling a friend that you think the biggest problem in her life is her own incessant whining and victim mindset . . . and still remain friends with her?

I really don't want to hurt the girl, and God knows, it isn't that she doesn't have very real problems in life. But the more I watch her and listen to her, the more obvious it becomes that she causes the real problems for herself, and then exacerbates the situation by sniveling. And my sympathy is not increased by the fact that she spends more time agonizing over things that aren't really problems at all than she does about things that actually matter.

Left to myself, I'd probably just chuck her to the curb, no matter how nice a person she is or how pleasant she can be to have around when she's not whining. Unfortunately, several of my other, very close, friends are quite attached to her, including my best friend, Blair, for whom I would walk through fire if necessary. So for his sake, I'm kinda stuck with her, and fighting the urge to say, "Would you please just pull on your big girl panties and fucking DEAL with it already?!"

There's gotta be a nicer way to put that.

 

[Ringel05]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

 

[syrenn]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

 

[uscitizen]

Somwe never learn not to whine. The leave home and just have surrogates for mom/dad to whine to.

they need to grow a pair and stand on their own.

 

[syrenn]

How do you go about telling a friend that you think the biggest problem in her life is her own incessant whining and victim mindset . . . and still remain friends with her?

I really don't want to hurt the girl, and God knows, it isn't that she doesn't have very real problems in life. But the more I watch her and listen to her, the more obvious it becomes that she causes the real problems for herself, and then exacerbates the situation by sniveling. And my sympathy is not increased by the fact that she spends more time agonizing over things that aren't really problems at all than she does about things that actually matter.

Left to myself, I'd probably just chuck her to the curb, no matter how nice a person she is or how pleasant she can be to have around when she's not whining. Unfortunately, several of my other, very close, friends are quite attached to her, including my best friend, Blair, for whom I would walk through fire if necessary. So for his sake, I'm kinda stuck with her, and fighting the urge to say, "Would you please just pull on your big girl panties and fucking DEAL with it already?!"

There's gotta be a nicer way to put that.

Sometimes being a good friend means saying and doing the hard things. Putting things nicely at times doesn't not make the same impact or sink in as much as the brutal truth.

 

[Cecilie1200]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

Sadly, she's a masochist, so she'd enjoy it, and it wouldn't do a damned thing to make her quit whining the rest of the time.

 

[Cecilie1200]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

Well, I didn't draw the picture, but I'd go with crop. Floggers generally have more falls than that.

 

[syrenn]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

Well, I didn't draw the picture, but I'd go with crop. Floggers generally have more falls than that.

LOL, it depends on the flogger

 

[Cecilie1200]

How do you go about telling a friend that you think the biggest problem in her life is her own incessant whining and victim mindset . . . and still remain friends with her?

I really don't want to hurt the girl, and God knows, it isn't that she doesn't have very real problems in life. But the more I watch her and listen to her, the more obvious it becomes that she causes the real problems for herself, and then exacerbates the situation by sniveling. And my sympathy is not increased by the fact that she spends more time agonizing over things that aren't really problems at all than she does about things that actually matter.

Left to myself, I'd probably just chuck her to the curb, no matter how nice a person she is or how pleasant she can be to have around when she's not whining. Unfortunately, several of my other, very close, friends are quite attached to her, including my best friend, Blair, for whom I would walk through fire if necessary. So for his sake, I'm kinda stuck with her, and fighting the urge to say, "Would you please just pull on your big girl panties and fucking DEAL with it already?!"

There's gotta be a nicer way to put that.

Sometimes being a good friend means saying and doing the hard things. Putting things nicely at times doesn't not make the same impact or sink in as much as the brutal truth.

You know me. I'm a big fan of the "swift kick in the butt" method, but I honestly think the message would be lost to her in the "I'm so hurt now!" reaction, and then everyone ELSE would just have to listen to her whine about me on top of everything else.

One of the hardest things I ever had to learn was that I can't fix other people, no matter how obvious the solution to their problems might be to me. They HAVE to fix themselves, and nothing will make them do that until they're ready. And some people will never be ready.

Right now, she's online, whinging about going to this party at our social club tonight. She says she's going to go, although she has no idea why, because she just feels like a fly on the wall there and everyone ignores her. She's correct . . . as far as it goes. The people in our club are very sensitive to other people's boundaries and not crossing them. So when she goes to the club and plants her ass in an armchair in the corner, hugging a stuffed animal (no, I'm not kidding) in a semi-fetal position, and looking like she wants to be left alone, that's what people do. Several of our members have social interaction issues (two of them are autistic, for example), and we try to be sensitive to people who might just need a break from sensory input for a bit.

Bottom line, if you want to be talked to, you have to LOOK LIKE IT. Get up, move around, initiate some conversation, for God's sake. Don't wait for people to come over and make you interact with them. And don't blame them for not doing all the work for you.

 

[syrenn]

A professional victim. Say what you want, it cant make it any worse then it already is.

 

[Ringel05]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

Whatever.... Put it to good use.
(I'm available for practice sessions Mondays and Tuesdays.)

 

[Cecilie1200]

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

Well, I didn't draw the picture, but I'd go with crop. Floggers generally have more falls than that.

LOL, it depends on the flogger

Cat-o-nine tails. That's the name I was looking for. It was bugging me, because the crops I'm familiar with are usually thin, springy sticks with a small leather slapper on the end, not anything with falls.

I saw one last weekend that had a small, oval piece of elk bone in place of the slapper. Eeeevil little implement.

 

[Cecilie1200]

A professional victim. Say what you want, it cant make it any worse then it already is.

Just a hobbyist. If she was a PROFESSIONAL victim, that'd solve some of her problems, because she wouldn't be so broke.

 

[Cecilie1200]

See that whip in your hand? Make good use of it..........

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

Whatever.... Put it to good use.
(I'm available for practice sessions Mondays and Tuesdays.)

I have a practice target, but thanks for the offer.

 

[Ringel05]

looks more like a crop and flogger to me

Whatever.... Put it to good use.
(I'm available for practice sessions Mondays and Tuesdays.)

I have a practice target, but thanks for the offer.

Stand in?
(I'll "pad" my resume....)

 

[syrenn]

Well, I didn't draw the picture, but I'd go with crop. Floggers generally have more falls than that.

LOL, it depends on the flogger

Cat-o-nine tails. That's the name I was looking for. It was bugging me, because the crops I'm familiar with are usually thin, springy sticks with a small leather slapper on the end, not anything with falls.

I saw one last weekend that had a small, oval piece of elk bone in place of the slapper. Eeeevil little implement.

LOL..i know just what you are talking about i saw them last year.

 

[Madeline]

Cecilie, have you spoken in private to Blair about your feelings? You may not be the only one who is frustrated, and it might be possible to erect some boundaries in your life so this lady doesn't drive you batshit.

You cannot control her, and chances are, you cannot change her. I doubt that some feedback, no matter how brutal, will have an impact. She is prolly intoxicated by the pay-off she gets (or seeks) from playing the victim and won't be giving that up anytime soon.

I feel ya. I like to think I'm compassionate as hell, but there's no one in my life whose response to a problem isn't "how do I get past this?" Heros are appealing to me; victims are just exhausting.

 

[Cecilie1200]

Cecilie, have you spoken in private to Blair about your feelings? You may not be the only one who is frustrated, and it might be possible to erect some boundaries in your life so this lady doesn't drive you batshit.

You cannot control her, and chances are, you cannot change her. I doubt that some feedback, no matter how brutal, will have an impact. She is prolly intoxicated by the pay-off she gets (or seeks) from playing the victim and won't be giving that up anytime soon.

I feel ya. I like to think I'm compassionate as hell, but there's no one in my life whose response to a problem isn't "how do I get past this?" Heros are appealing to me; victims are just exhausting.

I have spoken to Blair about it, and he does understand that she frustrates me. To a certain extent, I'm sure she frustrates him, what with his propensity for strong, capable women. But he's very young, and still very much in "White Knight On A Charger" mode, not having enough life experience to have learned that you can't fix people. He says one of the reasons he really wants her to spend time around me is that he hopes I'll be a good influence and good role model, since I had a shitty childhood that eerily parallels hers, but managed to hang onto a good self-image and avoid most of the self-destructive behaviors she fell prey to.

So I suppose I don't mind being used as a role model (although I think she finds me more irritating than inspirational, since I cut into her whining possibilities), so long as everyone understands that I'm going to limit my contact, and might possibly explode with my real, unvarnished opinions one day.

 

[Madeline]

Well, mebbe this could work. I'm sure you know how to deprive her of the pay off she seeks for victimhood, and you can model some basic problem solving techniques for her. Meanwhile, time for Blair to learn a tad more about the ladies, methinks.

 

[Againsheila]

How do you go about telling a friend that you think the biggest problem in her life is her own incessant whining and victim mindset . . . and still remain friends with her?

I really don't want to hurt the girl, and God knows, it isn't that she doesn't have very real problems in life. But the more I watch her and listen to her, the more obvious it becomes that she causes the real problems for herself, and then exacerbates the situation by sniveling. And my sympathy is not increased by the fact that she spends more time agonizing over things that aren't really problems at all than she does about things that actually matter.

Left to myself, I'd probably just chuck her to the curb, no matter how nice a person she is or how pleasant she can be to have around when she's not whining. Unfortunately, several of my other, very close, friends are quite attached to her, including my best friend, Blair, for whom I would walk through fire if necessary. So for his sake, I'm kinda stuck with her, and fighting the urge to say, "Would you please just pull on your big girl panties and fucking DEAL with it already?!"

There's gotta be a nicer way to put that.

quit talking about me like that.......I didn't invite you to my pity party last night.