When Your Wife Doesn't Want It

[Said1]

I do PRN work at a hospital and work around 12 hours a week. I took 5 years off when my kids were little.

I have it pretty good IMO, I get to stay home, but also get out once in a while to talk to adults.

I did homecare for 8 yrs and went to school part-time the last few years.

I'm working part-time now, but will be switching jobs shortly and working full time. Booo. Hisss.

This week, two different people asked if I could take their kids, with summer holidays coming up, it was hard to say no.

 

[dmp]

hang on....I never said anything about victimhood or minimizing people who work outside the home. I just said it's not a good idea to get into the who works harder argument, since IMO both jobs are equally stressful at times.

I never said you said that.

Both jobs are NOT equally stressful. Not even close to equally as stressful. I'll use My job and my wife's SAH-ness.

My job is mental stress. Mental stress is not equal to the physical stress mary faces 'doing' for our daughter in the mornings, and our son during the day. There is 'some' mental stress, but very little. She faces emotional stress when the kids 'get on her last nerve'. When that happens she sends them to take a nap. I face emotional stress when 'the person who controls my family's income' gets on my last nerve. I cannot send her away, to nap.
I have to be at my desk at 6:30. I have to remain in this general area until 4pm. There are times when I have nothing to do but post here. There are times when I don't have time to take a break to pee. My wife has to get my daughter ready for school, and have her out the door by 9am. If my wife wakes up at 7 or 7:30, or even 8 she can get that done. After my daughter leaves, she does whatever the hell she wants, when she wants to. If she doesn't 'feel' like doing the dishes, she doesn't 'have' to. Our lives won't change by her failing to meat goals or complete projects. If I don't complete enough projects in a row, I will lose our only source of income. She has a level of Autonomy I'll never have whilst slaving away, for TheMan. She controls the situations around her, while there. If she gets stressed out beyond reason, she has the power to put the kids away, open a bottle of wine, and relax. Last time I tried to take off my pants, kick back and enjoy a good cab-sauv at work I nearly got fired.


All sources of stress can be overwhelming. Those sources are not equal, however.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

I never said you said that.

Both jobs are NOT equally stressful. Not even close to equally as stressful. I'll use My job and my wife's SAH-ness.

My job is mental stress. Mental stress is not equal to the physical stress mary faces 'doing' for our daughter in the mornings, and our son during the day. There is 'some' mental stress, but very little. She faces emotional stress when the kids 'get on her last nerve'. When that happens she sends them to take a nap. I face emotional stress when 'the person who controls my family's income' gets on my last nerve. I cannot send her away, to nap.
I have to be at my desk at 6:30. I have to remain in this general area until 4pm. There are times when I have nothing to do but post here. There are times when I don't have time to take a break to pee. My wife has to get my daughter ready for school, and have her out the door by 9am. If my wife wakes up at 7 or 7:30, or even 8 she can get that done. After my daughter leaves, she does whatever the hell she wants, when she wants to. If she doesn't 'feel' like doing the dishes, she doesn't 'have' to. Our lives won't change by her failing to meat goals or complete projects. If I don't complete enough projects in a row, I will lose our only source of income. She has a level of Autonomy I'll never have whilst slaving away, for TheMan. She controls the situations around her, while there. If she gets stressed out beyond reason, she has the power to put the kids away, open a bottle of wine, and relax. Last time I tried to take off my pants, kick back and enjoy a good cab-sauv at work I nearly got fired.


All sources of stress can be overwhelming. Those sources are not equal, however.

I still don't get why women wanted the right to work . I guess it shouldn't be forbidden. Not every woman is lucky enough to have a man to take care of them.

 

[Said1]

I still don't get why women wanted the right to work . I guess it shouldn't be forbidden. Not every woman is lucky enough to have a man to take care of them.

The kids grow up and leave, you have to have something to do with the rest of your life. It's either work or drink. Why do you think so many stay at home moms were drinking, back in the day?

 

[Joz]

Tis thread did turn into a who has it worse topic.

I felt sorry for my husband when he had to crawl out of a warm bed in the middle of winter to go to work. And sometimes when I'd drop by the job his beard (only in winter for warmth) would be covered in ice from the moisture in his breath from working a job, outside. And when he got home, had a shower & dinner he was out, like a light. And my heart ached. I admired& appreciated what he did for me & the boys.

Still didn't make me any less tired at the end of the day.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

I still don't get why women wanted the right to work . I guess it shouldn't be forbidden. Not every woman is lucky enough to have a man to take care of them.

Some women don't want to be dependent on anyone.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

Some women don't want to be dependent on anyone.

Well the fact is that a stay at home mom is dependant, and she made all the decisions to be in that situation, and it's a noble and honorable choice.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

Well the fact is that a stay at home mom is dependant, and she made all the decisions to be in that situation, and it's a noble and honorable choice.

Absolutely. I wasn't trying to infer otherwise.

 

[Nienna]

I still think a man's going out to a hostile abusive environment, the office, is not comparable the tasks of the household and childrearing, things you allegedly do out of love.

LOL! You ever spent the day with 4 kids under 5? Hostile and abusive... it's just something you have to experience to understand.

 

[-Cp]

I never said you said that.

Both jobs are NOT equally stressful. Not even close to equally as stressful. I'll use My job and my wife's SAH-ness.

My job is mental stress. Mental stress is not equal to the physical stress mary faces 'doing' for our daughter in the mornings, and our son during the day. There is 'some' mental stress, but very little. She faces emotional stress when the kids 'get on her last nerve'. When that happens she sends them to take a nap. I face emotional stress when 'the person who controls my family's income' gets on my last nerve. I cannot send her away, to nap.
I have to be at my desk at 6:30. I have to remain in this general area until 4pm. There are times when I have nothing to do but post here. There are times when I don't have time to take a break to pee. My wife has to get my daughter ready for school, and have her out the door by 9am. If my wife wakes up at 7 or 7:30, or even 8 she can get that done. After my daughter leaves, she does whatever the hell she wants, when she wants to. If she doesn't 'feel' like doing the dishes, she doesn't 'have' to. Our lives won't change by her failing to meat goals or complete projects. If I don't complete enough projects in a row, I will lose our only source of income. She has a level of Autonomy I'll never have whilst slaving away, for TheMan. She controls the situations around her, while there. If she gets stressed out beyond reason, she has the power to put the kids away, open a bottle of wine, and relax. Last time I tried to take off my pants, kick back and enjoy a good cab-sauv at work I nearly got fired.


All sources of stress can be overwhelming. Those sources are not equal, however.

You're the one who's sounding a bit more like the victim here.... If you screw up and lose your job - guess what? - you'll get another chance for another job somewhere - If your wife screws up the kids - guess what? There's no going back (e.g.. it's near impossible to change them once their older).

The consequences of either of you screwing up is grossly weighed on your wife's responsibility.

To equate our WOMI (way of making income) to child rendering is abusurd at best.

I'm not blaming you dmp - however - I do believe we live in a generation that is hostile to proper child raising and development. Your kids and you as parents have an entire system working against you and the family unit.

A lot of areas place economic "demands" on people so they both have to work to even buy a house and a couple of used cars (IMO, they should move ot a cheaper area), or in areas like where we live you can do it on one income but it's not always easy.

A part of this "system" is our generations oddity to surrrender into it to feed their own selfish desires. For example: new home, new cars, new boats, home electronics etc.etc. - anything we can buy to either make ourselves feel better, make our lives seemingly more comfortable or to impress folks who probably don't care as much about the "stuff" as we'd like to think they do.

The "leave it to beaver" days are long gone for most people and unfortunately we mainly have ourselves to blame.

 

[Joz]

..... unfortunately we mainly have ourselves to blame.

Do you really believe this or is this just as you said....conversation? If so, you're one special man.

 

[dmp]

You're the one who's sounding a bit more like the victim here.... If you screw up and lose your job - guess what? - you'll get another chance for another job somewhere - If your wife screws up the kids - guess what? There's no going back (e.g.. it's near impossible to change them once their older).

The consequences of either of you screwing up is grossly weighed on your wife's responsibility.

To equate our WOMI (way of making income) to child rendering is abusurd at best.

I'm not blaming you dmp - however - I do believe we live in a generation that is hostile to proper child raising and development. Your kids and you as parents have an entire system working against you and the family unit.

A lot of areas place economic "demands" on people so they both have to work to even buy a house and a couple of used cars (IMO, they should move ot a cheaper area), or in areas like where we live you can do it on one income but it's not always easy.

A part of this "system" is our generations oddity to surrrender into it to feed their own selfish desires. For example: new home, new cars, new boats, home electronics etc.etc. - anything we can buy to either make ourselves feel better, make our lives seemingly more comfortable or to impress folks who probably don't care as much about the "stuff" as we'd like to think they do.

The "leave it to beaver" days are long gone for most people and unfortunately we mainly have ourselves to blame.

I don't recall a recent post by anyone who so clearly missed my point. Are you saying my examples of how the stress of working vs. the stresses of staying home w/ the kids differs? Are you agreeing with me? Because I also said to 'equate' WOMI vs ChildRearing/Staying at Home is the wrong answer.

Are you making a general comment about society and child-rearing - which I did not address? If so, why quote my text?
My text showed 'examples' and 'consequence' of stress and the people around us each day. If you read into that -Cp, then that's on you.

 

[-Cp]

Do you really believe this or is this just as you said....conversation? If so, you're one special man.

I do believe that we as "Gen x/y" are mainly to blame - we're a generation fueled by spending, getting crap we don't need all under the guise of "prosperity".

I can't tell you how many friends I have who live in expensive areas - where they both work, leaving someone else to raise their kids - and refuse to move to a cheaper area so at least one of them could have the option to stay at home...

I don't recall a recent post by anyone who so clearly missed my point. Are you saying my examples of how the stress of working vs. the stresses of staying home w/ the kids differs? Are you agreeing with me? Because I also said to 'equate' WOMI vs ChildRearing/Staying at Home is the wrong answer.

I'm saying that - in most cases - staying at home, raising the kids, is a far greater responsibility and stress level than most day jobs afford.

Are you making a general comment about society and child-rearing - which I did not address? If so, why quote my text?
My text showed 'examples' and 'consequence' of stress and the people around us each day. If you read into that -Cp, then that's on you.

Making a general comment about our society.. I didn't quote your text...

 

[Nienna]

It's equally as dangerous for SAHM's to play the role of the victim, while minimizing the efforts the GTWD puts forth to ALLOW (financially) the M to SAH.

See, THERE it is! It's all about never losing the respect and appreciation for one another, man or wife.

 

[dmp]

I'm saying that - in most cases - staying at home, raising the kids, is a far greater responsibility and stress level than most day jobs afford.

How many 'day jobs' have you surveyed? Honestly that's just the wrong answer. I would bet all MY money and most of YOURS that a 'day job' in Iraq offers THOUSANDS of times more stress than Mary has coping with Alaina and Ethan.

Making a general comment about our society.. I didn't quote your text...

You quoted ALL of my text...lol And you wrote "I don't blame you dmp -" Why use 'dmp'? I found that odd. Doesn't even sound like words you'd use. But you insinuated I EQUATED 'day jobs' with staying at home, when the purpose of my reply was CLEARLY to show how the stresses are different. No equasion was made.

 

[-Cp]

How many 'day jobs' have you surveyed? Honestly that's just the wrong answer. I would bet all MY money and most of YOURS that a 'day job' in Iraq offers THOUSANDS of times more stress than Mary has coping with Alaina and Ethan.

You obviously looked over my "most day jobs"..... didn't say all...

 

[Nienna]

Tis thread did turn into a who has it worse topic.

See? And that's what I and my girlfriend were resisting. Husbands and wives shouldn't COMPETE. They are on the same team. The man is the captain, and the wife is the manager.

Or, the illustration I like to use is: The man is the head of the family, and the woman is the heart. The family body isn't going to get very far without BOTH those parts.

 

[dmp]

See, THERE it is! It's all about never losing the respect and appreciation for one another, man or wife.

Bingo. I grow SO Tired of women (generally) Bitching and complaining about their husbands. How often do a group of women get together, say, at a bus stop, and BRAG about their man's efforts to one-another? Ya know?

I've been working, mostly non-stop, since 1992. I've found that EVERYONE likes to be the Victim. Ask somebody in the office 'how's it going?' And you'll hear "Wayyy Too busy! I can't believe they are dumping all this work on me, blah blah blah". The only reply is to out-DO them:

"That's IT?? Oh yeah?? Well MY Situation sucks worse!! I have to do the job of FIFTEEN employees, and...AND...I have to PAY MY BOSS for the opportunity!"

SAHM's are no different...whether men or moms, quite often people seek praise by putting what THEY do in a very negative/stressed etc, light. Women bitch about their men because they want to be LOOKED UP TO for "having to put UP with all the stuff he does or doesn't do."

It's to the point where MY wife feels like she SHOULD NOT brag about me to her friends, lest they feel worse about their husbands.

My guess is, after Mary kept bragging, THEY would start bragging too - because mary would start getting MORE attention than those bitching....see what I mean?

In conclusion, we (as couples) need to do what it takes to ensure our spouse realizes how special and appreciated they are to us. It doesn't cut it to 'say it' now and again...or 'grunt' back when your spouse says something nice to you. Our spouses DESERVE our loyalty and praise. We need to FORCE a connection - daily if possible...Just yourself and the one who shares your heart, forehead-to-forehead...absorbing and refreshing and replenishing our very souls and junk.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

I'm saying that - in most cases - staying at home, raising the kids, is a far greater responsibility and stress level than most day jobs afford.

you think talking like this is gonna get you laid?

 

[dmp]

You obviously looked over my "most day jobs"..... didn't say all...

I didn't say you DID say 'all'. You wrote 'most'. Most of what? Most of how many? Most of 'all of them'? What does that mean? How do you really KNOW?

That's my point, -Cp.