When Your Wife Doesn't Want It

[Nienna]

There have been a lot of threads about sex, lately, and I've even started one or two! I've heard a few guys mention that it's difficult to get their wives in the mood. I feel for you, guys, but I can sympathize with your wives, too. Especially if they are SAHMs.

If your wives are Christians, they might be able to relate to my story. After having several kids, being surrounded by children all day, and not having much to exercise our mental faculties, women can really begin to feel dehumanized. We spent the entire day serving others, and the last things on our minds is putting out even MORE effort.

Women will gather or talk on the phone, and empathize, commiserating about their exhaustion, supporting each other in the resistance to sex. We even work up the attitude that we DESERVE to be left alone. We need a break.

But, my best friend and I are odd women, maybe. We would engage in the opposition effort, but we both felt a little guilty about it. After a lot of talk, prayer, and Bible reading, we decided to resist the resistance. One of us came across this verse:

The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4)

And also, this verse:

But for Adam no suitable helper was found...For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:20b-24)

The second passage really struck me. The act of sex is what defines marriage, what makes it different from any other relationship. Couple that with the fact that my body no longer belongs to me alone, and I come up with a DUTY to give sex. My best friend agreed, and we began a tiny little support group. We encouraged each other and prayed for each other and kept each other accountable. We agreed that we shouldn't go more than 3 days without "giving it up."

Amazingly, after disciplining ourselves in this way, our husbands started to repond to us. Be a little nicer to us, a little more helpful. And we even (gasp) started to ENJOY it again!

Guys, if your wife is a SAHM, a mother of small children, and she is resisting sex, this might be why: She needs to be pampered. She spends much or most of her time taking care of others. If you want her to open up to you in sex, make her feel protected, taken care of. (yes, I know that was really poor grammar, but you get the idea! )Do some housework without expecting anything in return. Rub her feet, buy her flowers, take care of the kids, whatever she seems to appreciate, without expecting anything in return. Women need to relax before they can get in the mood. Taking charge of some little things reinforces your manliness, your leadership, and thus opens HER up to be "the woman" once again.

Just something I've been through, and thought others might be able to relate.

 

[Annie]

There have been a lot of threads about sex, lately, and I've even started one or two! I've heard a few guys mention that it's difficult to get their wives in the mood. I feel for you, guys, but I can sympathize with your wives, too. Especially if they are SAHMs.

If your wives are Christians, they might be able to relate to my story. After having several kids, being surrounded by children all day, and not having much to exercise our mental faculties, women can really begin to feel dehumanized. We spent the entire day serving others, and the last things on our minds is putting out even MORE effort.

Women will gather or talk on the phone, and empathize, commiserating about their exhaustion, supporting each other in the resistance to sex. We even work up the attitude that we DESERVE to be left alone. We need a break.

But, my best friend and I are odd women, maybe. We would engage in the opposition effort, but we both felt a little guilty about it. After a lot of talk, prayer, and Bible reading, we decided to resist the resistance. One of us came across this verse:

The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4)

And also, this verse:

But for Adam no suitable helper was found...For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:20b-24)

The second passage really struck me. The act of sex is what defines marriage, what makes it different from any other relationship. Couple that with the fact that my body no longer belongs to me alone, and I come up with a DUTY to give sex. My best friend agreed, and we began a tiny little support group. We encouraged each other and prayed for each other and kept each other accountable. We agreed that we shouldn't go more than 3 days without "giving it up."

Amazingly, after disciplining ourselves in this way, our husbands started to repond to us. Be a little nicer to us, a little more helpful. And we even (gasp) started to ENJOY it again!

Guys, if your wife is a SAHM, a mother of small children, and she is resisting sex, this might be why: She needs to be pampered. She spends much or most of her time taking care of others. If you want her to open up to you in sex, make her feel protected, taken care of. (yes, I know that was really poor grammar, but you get the idea! )Do some housework without expecting anything in return. Rub her feet, buy her flowers, take care of the kids, whatever she seems to appreciate, without expecting anything in return. Women need to relax before they can get in the mood. Taking charge of some little things reinforces your manliness, your leadership, and thus opens HER up to be "the woman" once again.

Just something I've been through, and thought others might be able to relate.

Funny, sex was not a major issue in my marriage, we both liked. I, like you, had a very good friend who I spoke with nearly every day during what we called, the 'arsenic hour.' For men, this is the time that falls, give or take, between 3-5:30, when kids are tired, bored, mom is worn out and trying to make dinner. Clinging kids and dinner prep is not a pretty site. Yet, it happens daily.

I didn't have trouble communicating that after dinner, while I was doing kitchen clean up, I'd really appreciate *ahem* someone getting baths done, homework checked and stories read. I'd have time for a shower, read a chapter of my own book, get ready for adult time.

Not so difficult, we were both ready. Note, sex isn't everything, still didn't work out.

 

[Said1]

Funny, sex was not a major issue in my marriage, we both liked. I, like you, had a very good friend who I spoke with nearly every day during what we called, the 'arsenic hour.' For men, this is the time that falls, give or take, between 3-5:30, when kids are tired, bored, mom is worn out and trying to make dinner. Clinging kids and dinner prep is not a pretty site. Yet, it happens daily.

I didn't have trouble communicating that after dinner, while I was doing kitchen clean up, I'd really appreciate *ahem* someone getting baths done, homework checked and stories read. I'd have time for a shower, read a chapter of my own book, get ready for adult time.

Not so difficult, we were both ready. Note, sex isn't everything, still didn't work out.

3-6 is just the worst - so many transitions, school to home, light to dark.

But anyway, I agree that withholding as a means of control isn't good. That's how I see it, a means of control when SO many things are out of control and controlling your life. So many women use it as some sort of reward, which is just so stupid.

How did I deal with it? A certain night or nights were set aside for that and only that. Heaven help the person who decided to drop in or phone.

 

[Annie]

3-6 is just the worst - so many transitions, school to home, light to dark.

But anyway, I agree that withholding as a means of control isn't good. That's how I see it, a means of control when SO many things are out of control and controlling your life. So many women use it as some sort of reward, which is just so stupid.

How did I deal with it? A certain night or nights were set aside for that and only that. Heaven help the person who decided to drop in or phone.

It's really weird having been married as long as I was and knowing sex and money had zippo to do with the failure.

 

[dilloduck]

3-6 is just the worst - so many transitions, school to home, light to dark.

But anyway, I agree that withholding as a means of control isn't good. That's how I see it, a means of control when SO many things are out of control and controlling your life. So many women use it as some sort of reward, which is just so stupid.

How did I deal with it? A certain night or nights were set aside for that and only that. Heaven help the person who decided to drop in or phone.

Sorry bout that :crutch:

 

[Said1]

It's really weird having been married as long as I was and knowing sex and money had zippo to do with the failure.

Yeah, going on the road with Guns n' Roses was a recipe for disaster.

 

[Annie]

3-6 is just the worst - so many transitions, school to home, light to dark.

But anyway, I agree that withholding as a means of control isn't good. That's how I see it, a means of control when SO many things are out of control and controlling your life. So many women use it as some sort of reward, which is just so stupid.

How did I deal with it? A certain night or nights were set aside for that and only that. Heaven help the person who decided to drop in or phone.

LOL! Reminds me of when one of my friends and her husband decided to drop in on a Sunday afternoon. Kids were doing art stuff at the kitchen table, I had to rush the door in my bathrobe, saying, "I was in the shower..." I wasn't wet! The ex came out a few minutes later. Damn, I do hate unannounced company.

The same couple caught me later, but not telling that story...

 

[dmp]

here's some wisdom...


"withholding sex is the same as 'cheating'"

 

[Annie]

here's some wisdom...


"withholding sex is the same as 'cheating'"

I agree, it is. Really. On the other hand, the same when men say that women should be 'ready' when they are covered in pablum, dinner, and laundry. Kids need homework checked, baths, and stories read. While wifey is doing the above, mr. is watching the Steelers, Cubs, Marlins, whathaveyou. At 9-10, mr. is surprised that Mrs. is sleeping, smelly, and not interested.

 

[manu1959]

not an issue i have experienced

 

[Joz]

There have been a lot of threads about sex, lately, and I've even started one or two! I've heard a few guys mention that it's difficult to get their wives in the mood. I feel for you, guys, but I can sympathize with your wives, too. Especially if they are SAHMs......
Just something I've been through, and thought others might be able to relate.

I couldn't figure out what the SAHM's are.

Most men will tell you this is no excuse. That is until the tables are turned and another Mr. Mom is created. Then they realize the huge responsibility a mother has. And right about now I hear men pitching a b*tch over the fact that they have the responsibility of earning a living, protecting the family, etc. But those are just the ones that are on the defensive. This by no means is meant to take away from them.

The senario K relayed was one I could identify with. I'm busting my hump to get things done while the family relaxed in the livingroom. And it wasn't becaue I hadn't done anything during the day. And many a night I said the heck with it.

Men are physically stronger than women. Even tho he has worked all day, too, it's the wise man who does "woman" things like the dinner dishes or folding the laundry or getting the kids off to bed. Sure he'd like to be watching a movie but so would his wife. Little repreives show that she is cared about, that you understand, and with that, she will feel more love towards you & want to express herself physically.

That is unless there are other problems.

 

[Nienna]

here's some wisdom...


"withholding sex is the same as 'cheating'"

Pretty true, which is why girlfriend & I stopped doing that. But, it's incredibly difficult to feel affection (which is what puts most women in the mood) when you are exhausted, maybe feeling a little resentful and ALONE bc you aren't getting help in the evenings.

 

[Nienna]

I couldn't figure out what the SAHM's are.

Stay-at-home-mom

Men are physically stronger than women.

Good point, S.

 

[Trigg]

Hang on I'm confused.

I don't think withholding sex and being to tired and not wanting it are the same thing.

Withholding= I want something and I not giving it up until I get it. Or, I'm ticked at him so I'm not giving him any.

On the other hand I've happily gone without because of my schedule and the kids being busy. Just plain not feeling like it. My husband isn't exactly happy at those times, but jeez I'm not a machine and occationally I need a break.

 

[dmp]

Hang on I'm confused.

I don't think withholding sex and being to tired and not wanting it are the same thing.

Withholding= I want something and I not giving it up until I get it. Or, I'm ticked at him so I'm not giving him any.

On the other hand I've happily gone without because of my schedule and the kids being busy. Just plain not feeling like it. My husband isn't exactly happy at those times, but jeez I'm not a machine and occationally I need a break.

You're exactly right - withholding contains malice.

I read all the comments re: "I'm busy - too tired" blah blah, etc.

Look - it's a fact - Sex with your mate should FIX that stuff. Sex is a way to re-energize in body AND in spirit. If you aren't sexually attracted to your mate there is a problem. Taking care of the kids too much work - so much that you don't have the desire to re-connect with your spouse? Stop taking so much care of the kids. Household duties overwhelming to the point where you don't have time for your mate? Put DOWN the vacuum.

NOTHING in a marriage trumps the physical/spiritual connection which stems from intimacy.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

I still think a man's going out to a hostile abusive environment, the office, is not comparable the tasks of the household and childrearing, things you allegedly do out of love.

 

[Trigg]

You're exactly right - withholding contains malice.

I read all the comments re: "I'm busy - too tired" blah blah, etc.

Look - it's a fact - Sex with your mate should FIX that stuff. Sex is a way to re-energize in body AND in spirit. If you aren't sexually attracted to your mate there is a problem. Taking care of the kids too much work - so much that you don't have the desire to re-connect with your spouse? Stop taking so much care of the kids. Household duties overwhelming to the point where you don't have time for your mate? Put DOWN the vacuum.

NOTHING in a marriage trumps the physical/spiritual connection which stems from intimacy.

Some people just have a lower sex drive than their spouse. I went through this after the birth of my 3rd. Just didn't feel like it for awhile. I didn't cut him off, but it was a bit of "going through the motions".

Now come on men have to get this feeling every once in a while. When you just don't want to. It has nothing to do with not being sexually attracted to your spouse and everything to do with just not feeling like it.

What's wrong with waiting a day or two when both people are into it instead of it being one sided with the other one just "doing their duty"?

 

[Said1]

I still think a man's going out to a hostile abusive environment, the office, is not comparable the tasks of the household and childrearing, things you allegedly do out of love.

It also depends on how many children you have, and things can get easier over time, depending on the type of person you are married to.

Would you like to stay home with three children, two still in diapers, RWA? Or owuld you prefer the "hostile" work environment?

 

[dmp]

Some people just have a lower sex drive than their spouse. I went through this after the birth of my 3rd. Just didn't feel like it for awhile. I didn't cut him off, but it was a bit of "going through the motions".

Now come on men have to get this feeling every once in a while. When you just don't want to. It has nothing to do with not being sexually attracted to your spouse and everything to do with just not feeling like it.

What's wrong with waiting a day or two when both people are into it instead of it being one sided with the other one just "doing their duty"?

You aren't talking about the same thing. Nobody is arguing for mandated hump-fests every night.

If somebody is experiencing lower sex-drive, they might want to visit a doctor.

fwiw, if it's a general practice and not a once-in-awhile thing simply being 'allowed' sucks. I don't want her permssion - I want her to want me. Generally...sometimes I take what i can get.

 

[Trigg]

I still think a man's going out to a hostile abusive environment, the office, is not comparable the tasks of the household and childrearing, things you allegedly do out of love.

Just because it's done out of love doesn't make it easier.

Try staying home with 3 kids all under 4 when they're all sick and puking. Love them to death, but that's exhausting. No question at those times I would have gladly switched positions with my husband.