When Your Wife Doesn't Want It

Discussion in 'Health and Lifestyle' started by Nienna, May 4, 2006.

  1. Nienna
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    Nienna Senior Member

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    There have been a lot of threads about sex, lately, and I've even started one or two! :) I've heard a few guys mention that it's difficult to get their wives in the mood. I feel for you, guys, but I can sympathize with your wives, too. Especially if they are SAHMs.

    If your wives are Christians, they might be able to relate to my story. After having several kids, being surrounded by children all day, and not having much to exercise our mental faculties, women can really begin to feel dehumanized. We spent the entire day serving others, and the last things on our minds is putting out even MORE effort.

    Women will gather or talk on the phone, and empathize, commiserating about their exhaustion, supporting each other in the resistance to sex. We even work up the attitude that we DESERVE to be left alone. We need a break.

    But, my best friend and I are odd women, maybe. We would engage in the opposition effort, but we both felt a little guilty about it. After a lot of talk, prayer, and Bible reading, we decided to resist the resistance. One of us came across this verse:

    The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:4)

    And also, this verse:

    But for Adam no suitable helper was found...For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (Genesis 2:20b-24)

    The second passage really struck me. The act of sex is what defines marriage, what makes it different from any other relationship. Couple that with the fact that my body no longer belongs to me alone, and I come up with a DUTY to give sex. My best friend agreed, and we began a tiny little support group. We encouraged each other and prayed for each other and kept each other accountable. We agreed that we shouldn't go more than 3 days without "giving it up."

    Amazingly, after disciplining ourselves in this way, our husbands started to repond to us. Be a little nicer to us, a little more helpful. And we even (gasp) started to ENJOY it again!

    Guys, if your wife is a SAHM, a mother of small children, and she is resisting sex, this might be why: She needs to be pampered. She spends much or most of her time taking care of others. If you want her to open up to you in sex, make her feel protected, taken care of. (yes, I know that was really poor grammar, but you get the idea! ;) )Do some housework without expecting anything in return. Rub her feet, buy her flowers, take care of the kids, whatever she seems to appreciate, without expecting anything in return. Women need to relax before they can get in the mood. Taking charge of some little things reinforces your manliness, your leadership, and thus opens HER up to be "the woman" once again.

    Just something I've been through, and thought others might be able to relate.
     
  2. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    Funny, sex was not a major issue in my marriage, we both liked. I, like you, had a very good friend who I spoke with nearly every day during what we called, the 'arsenic hour.' For men, this is the time that falls, give or take, between 3-5:30, when kids are tired, bored, mom is worn out and trying to make dinner. Clinging kids and dinner prep is not a pretty site. Yet, it happens daily.

    I didn't have trouble communicating that after dinner, while I was doing kitchen clean up, I'd really appreciate *ahem* someone getting baths done, homework checked and stories read. I'd have time for a shower, read a chapter of my own book, get ready for adult time.

    Not so difficult, we were both ready. Note, sex isn't everything, still didn't work out. ;)
     
  3. Said1
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    Said1 VIP Member

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    3-6 is just the worst - so many transitions, school to home, light to dark.

    But anyway, I agree that withholding as a means of control isn't good. That's how I see it, a means of control when SO many things are out of control and controlling your life. So many women use it as some sort of reward, which is just so stupid.

    How did I deal with it? A certain night or nights were set aside for that and only that. Heaven help the person who decided to drop in or phone. :death:
     
  4. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    :beer: It's really weird having been married as long as I was and knowing sex and money had zippo to do with the failure.
     
  5. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    Sorry bout that :crutch:
     
  6. Said1
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    Said1 VIP Member

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    Yeah, going on the road with Guns n' Roses was a recipe for disaster. :laugh:
     
  7. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    LOL! Reminds me of when one of my friends and her husband decided to drop in on a Sunday afternoon. Kids were doing art stuff at the kitchen table, I had to rush the door in my bathrobe, saying, "I was in the shower..." I wasn't wet! The ex came out a few minutes later. Damn, I do hate unannounced company.

    The same couple caught me later, but not telling that story...
     
  8. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    here's some wisdom...


    "withholding sex is the same as 'cheating'"

    ;)
     
  9. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    I agree, it is. Really. On the other hand, the same when men say that women should be 'ready' when they are covered in pablum, dinner, and laundry. Kids need homework checked, baths, and stories read. While wifey is doing the above, mr. is watching the Steelers, Cubs, Marlins, whathaveyou. At 9-10, mr. is surprised that Mrs. is sleeping, smelly, and not interested.
     
  10. manu1959
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    manu1959 Left Coast Isolationist

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    not an issue i have experienced :suck:
     

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