What you say in Court...

Discussion in 'Humor' started by dmp, Oct 6, 2004.

  1. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    I can't comment on the validity of these...but some gave me quite a chuckle...

    :)

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
    published by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay
    calm
    while these exchanges were taking place.

    Q: Are you sexually active?
    A: No, I just lie there.
    _____________________________________________________________
    Q: What is your date of birth?
    A: July 15.
    Q: What year?
    A: Every year.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    A: I forget.
    Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
    forgotten?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    Q: How long has he lived with you?
    A: Forty-five years.
    _________________________________________________________
    Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
    that morning?
    A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    Q: And why did that upset you?
    A: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
    occult?
    A: We both do.
    Q: Voodoo?
    A: We do.
    Q: You do?
    A: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
    does not know about it until the next morning?
    A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And what were you doing at that time?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which
    sent to your attorney?
    A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What school did you go to?
    A: Oral.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
    A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
    autopsy.
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    ______________________________________________________________
    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
    the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law
    somewhere
     
  2. Trinity
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    Trinity VIP Member

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    Those were funny D!!!

    Here's some that I was a personal witness to.........

    Judge......... So your telling me that a doublewide home that was purchased new in 1999 for $21,400.00 is now worth $55,000.00

    Lawyer.........yes


    Judge...........Well if that's the case I think everyone would be buying doublewides!
    ________________________________________________________________

    Judge......... tell me what you think the value of the property is? If I were to pick the mobile home up off the property. what would be the value?


    Witness.........Well your honor with all the improvements included, driveway, septic I would say about $25,000.00.


    Judge............Well I'm thinking if there's no home on the property the improvements aren't going to be worth diddly squat, without a house there to use them.
    ________________________________________________________________


    Judge............. We'll take a 2 minute recess, so I can confer with my lawyer.
    and yes he actually went into his chambers with his own personal lawyer.
     

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