What would you do?

[Immanuel]

I think you did the right thing, by turning this in to a counselor.

As a father of two girls, I never let my daughters sleep in my bed, once they got out of the nightmare stage that is. That doesn't mean I would have had a problem with them lying down when should I/we taking a nap but not over night.

Nor, in today's age, would I allow them to have friends over when I was the only adult home for my own protection.

This was most likely innocent, but better to let someone trained to deal with it, deal with it.

Immie

 

[AllieBaba]

I'm with strolling. The girl is autistic, probably won't sleep by herself, possibly isn't attached to the aunt.

My older boys didn't sleep with me much, they always had their own beds. We'd all pile in to my bed to watch an hour of tv at night before bed, then they'd go to their own beds and/or rooms. The father of these younger babies is Indian and his boys slept with him when I met him, they were 2 & 3, and when we started living together, they slept with us most of the time until I just couldn't handle that many people in the bed anymore. Partly it was because there were never enough beds in his house, but it was also just his culture. When my little girl was born, she slept in the bed with us (something I never did with my older kids) and then when the second was born, he slept with us too. I did start moving them to their own beds eventually, but they STILL sleep with me more often than not, and they're 6 & 7.

11 is probably a good age for a little girl to get her own bed...but if she's autistic it is probably just a struggle the dad hasn't wanted to take on yet.

But you did the right thing in reporting it, EZ. You're a mandatory reporter. Let child welfare figure it out. I don't know that a school counselor is the person to deal with it.

 

[code1211]

I agree with you talking to the counselor and counselor talking to the dad. What did dad say?

Dad didn't think anything was wrong with it. She said he didn't get mad, I guess that's a good sign. But she will be starting puberty soon, she doesn't need to be sleeping with daddy. I guess they will make a home visit next week to see if anything has changed.

No situation is the same.

My brother divorced and his son was upset as a result and it manifested in a number of ways. One of these was a fear of the dark in his son and his son wanting to sleep with him in his bed. Brother thought that this would end soon, but it hung on for a while longer than he was comfortable with it, his son was still about 5, and he had a discussion with his son that he had his own room and needed to sleep there.

Over the course of weeks, they worked together and the son bedded down nightly 4 inches closer to his own room. Air mattress, blankets, pillow and the whole shooting match. Measuring tapes and so on. At length, he was in his own bed.

There may be factors at play here that need to be addressed to get the program completed. All in all, though, this daughter needs to have her own space, I feel, or will probably have some other issues upcoming.

You seem like a very level headed person. Are you in a position to address some of the complications with this father that he might be missing?

 

[AllieBaba]

That's a really good solution. Baby steps.

My kids have spent all summer in my bedroom, watching the tube at night. When they fall asleep I'll move one or both to their own beds and/or the couch (my daughter's room is in the back of the house and she doesn't like to go back there). They start school Monda, and I am BRIBING them. If they want to play with the computer, it's bed in their own beds, no tv. So far it's working like a charm. My son is even happy about being in his own room for a change....my daughter is happy on the couch for now. We're trying to figure out a way to make her room acceptable to her. She likes playing in there, she just doesn't like it at night because I can't hear her if she tries to talk to me, and in order to go to the bathroom she has to navigate the laundry room, then the kitchen and living room. We have nightlights and the bathroom light is always on, but none of us like that situation.

 

[Big Black Dog]

This is a unique situation. Most likely, in all probablilty, there was no hanky-panky going on between Dad and daughter. One side of the coin says it's really nobody's business and everybody should butt out and leave well enough alone and respect their privacy. Other side of the coin says this may be a problem down the road and somebody needs to speak for the young girl. In this country we have a very strong stance on protecting our youth and rightfully so but there is a thin line drawn between "protection" of youth and meddling in other's affairs. I agree this should be looked into to make sure all is well with this young girl's well-being and there is nothing of an abusive nature going on. If that can be established, meaning there is nothing that points to abusive treatment of the girl, people should mind their own business. We are very often times conditioned to believe there is a "problem" even if no problem exists. Did anybody ask the Dad why this situation existed in his home or did going into the situation with a preconceived notion that this is "evil" already exist? I will completely agree that this situation should be resolved by having the girl sleep in her own bed if that is at all a possibility but in saying that, I think it should be done in a way that points to no ill-will towards the father. I am sure that he is a compassionate man and loves his daughter dearly. If not, this situation would not have existed at all. Most likely the man was doing what he felt best for his daughter and had no other thoughts about it. There does come a time though when this special bond needs to be changed for the sake of the girls own privacy and probably it's best to do it now before she reaches puberity. Having her own sleeping area is best I believe in this case.

 

[Zoom-boing]

Allie, try putting night lights in the hall and/or rooms between your daughter's room and the bathroom and turn off the main bathroom light. We have a low night light in the hall bathroom, (it's a little clock that glows blue that's plugged into the bathroom outlet by the sink) and my daughter (12) had a night light until a year or so ago. She has a lava lamp that she'll turn on to fall asleep then I turn it off when I go to bed. My son, 16 special needs, has a night light in his room. There's also one in the upstairs hallway and one in the powder room downstairs. Initially we put them in when the kids were little but they're great for anyone up in the middle of the night. Doesn't prevent one from stepping on the cat but hey . . . Makes it 'less scary'. How old is your daughter? Does she just feel too far away in her room? When my youngest was little until she was maybe 10 or so, she refused to play down the basement (it's a finished basement) because she thought it was 'scary'.

 

[AllieBaba]

Exactly. I work really closely with child welfare. Much of what they do is just check things out without opening a case. They do not necessarily view every person as a villain, nor do they take kids away for unorthodox behavior or behavior which freaks out neighbors. They are looking for abuse and neglect, not to raise ppl's kids for them.

This is something that I would report, and they would go out and check and probably not open a file on. But I'm lucky in that the CW workers I work with are very seasoned, very sensible, and local to the area.

They've got bigger fish to fry than dads who don't want a big screaming fit at bedtime because an 11 yr old has attachment issues.

 

[KittenKoder]

You find out an 11 year old girl has been sleeping in the same bed with her father for who knows how long. It's a king size bed. No mom in the house, but dad's sister lives there.

Daughter has a mild form of autism.


I turned into the counselor. She talked with dad about "boundaries" with the daughter. Soon, the girl will be starting puberty. She told him to get a double bed or have her sleep with the aunt.

If things don't change she said she' going to report them to CPS.

Thoughts?

I would have to know the father. Anyone who makes a blind call on this is not very smart, the aunt may be an even greater danger to the child. Too many factors and variables to take into consideration to make any judgment call.

 

[AllieBaba]

Allie, try putting night lights in the hall and/or rooms between your daughter's room and the bathroom and turn off the main bathroom light. We have a low night light in the hall bathroom, (it's a little clock that glows blue that's plugged into the bathroom outlet by the sink) and my daughter (12) had a night light until a year or so ago. She has a lava lamp that she'll turn on to fall asleep then I turn it off when I go to bed. My son, 16 special needs, has a night light in his room. There's also one in the upstairs hallway and one in the powder room downstairs. Initially we put them in when the kids were little but they're great for anyone up in the middle of the night. Doesn't prevent one from stepping on the cat but hey . . . Makes it 'less scary'. How old is your daughter? Does she just feel too far away in her room? When my youngest was little until she was maybe 10 or so, she refused to play down the basement (it's a finished basement) because she thought it was 'scary'.

I leave lights on in the house...it's an old, uneven sort of house, not big but sort of strung out. I don't think it's the light so much, because she has night lights in her room, and I'll leave all the lights on between her and the bathroom...I think it's the fact that she can't hear me moving around. My bedroom and my boy's bedroom are right off the living room....so if she lies on the couch she can hear us and if she gets up she can look in my room and see me.

We're working on it, though. Her room is tiny, too. I moved the big hulking dresser out of it and replaced it with smaller stuff, and I have the cleaning lady working on getting it really organized, so it doesn't have shapes that are spooky, or which might harbor..gasp...spiders. Not that we have a problem with spiders, even in her room with all her toys. Stuff gets moved around too much.

 

[AllieBaba]

I'm thinking if I let her read in her bed for an hour or more it might solve the problem entirely.

 

[chanel]

She should have her own bed regardless of where it is in the house. Maybe he has just been too lazy to make a change there.

Let's hope that is the case anyway. Better to err on the side of caution though, you and the counselor did the right thing giving him the information.

That's exactly what I thought. It's prob. just easier. Raising an autistic child is difficult. He prob. just wants to choose his battles.

With that said, he can not do this forever. Best to break the habit now.

 

[KittenKoder]

I'm thinking if I let her read in her bed for an hour or more it might solve the problem entirely.

I missed something so I have to assume because ... that's a lot to filter through.

If you are talking about a child who cannot get to sleep at night, letting them read for a bit is a good idea. That always helped me sleep when I was young and I know a few others it has helped as well.

 

[Zoom-boing]

She should have her own bed regardless of where it is in the house. Maybe he has just been too lazy to make a change there.

Let's hope that is the case anyway. Better to err on the side of caution though, you and the counselor did the right thing giving him the information.

That's exactly what I thought. It's prob. just easier. Raising an autistic child is difficult. He prob. just wants to choose his battles.

With that said, he can not do this forever. Best to break the habit now.

Sometimes, with a special needs child, truer words were never spoken!

 

[KittenKoder]

She should have her own bed regardless of where it is in the house. Maybe he has just been too lazy to make a change there.

Let's hope that is the case anyway. Better to err on the side of caution though, you and the counselor did the right thing giving him the information.

That's exactly what I thought. It's prob. just easier. Raising an autistic child is difficult. He prob. just wants to choose his battles.

With that said, he can not do this forever. Best to break the habit now.

Sometimes, with a special needs child, truer words were never spoken!

As I said, too many variables in this situation to judge blindly.

 

[Zoom-boing]

That's exactly what I thought. It's prob. just easier. Raising an autistic child is difficult. He prob. just wants to choose his battles.

With that said, he can not do this forever. Best to break the habit now.

Sometimes, with a special needs child, truer words were never spoken!

As I said, too many variables in this situation to judge blindly.

lol, I was referring to my son on this one. Guess I should have made that clear!

 

[KittenKoder]

Sometimes, with a special needs child, truer words were never spoken!

As I said, too many variables in this situation to judge blindly.

lol, I was referring to my son on this one. Guess I should have made that clear!

Aaah ... my bad again. Too many stories in this thread. *backs out slowly*

 

[random3434]

Thanks to you all for the words/advice.


I have had this girl in my classroom for the last 2 years, she started her third year with me 2 weeks ago, so I know the family well. Dad treats her like a baby, and does everything for her. She still can't tie her own shoes, sharpen a pencil or even open a candy wrapper, because she's always had daddy to do it for her. I am trying to teach her to be more independent. She reads at a sixth grade level but can't add 23+22. She remembers every detail of anything she's told, and has no "social" filters.

If something was "going on" with daddy, I think she would have told me in her unique way. I really think it's just that daddy thinks of her as his "baby"-yet she needs to learn to start growing up and being independent.

 

[alan1]

You find out an 11 year old girl has been sleeping in the same bed with her father for who knows how long. It's a king size bed. No mom in the house, but dad's sister lives there.

Daughter has a mild form of autism.


I turned into the counselor. She talked with dad about "boundaries" with the daughter. Soon, the girl will be starting puberty. She told him to get a double bed or have her sleep with the aunt.

If things don't change she said she' going to report them to CPS.

Thoughts?

That is a very fine line.
I was a single parent of 2 girls. I wouldn't let them sleep in my bed just because the risk of getting turned into social services for something completely innocent was a hassle I did not want to deal with.

 

[Zoom-boing]

Thanks to you all for the words/advice.


I have had this girl in my classroom for the last 2 years, she started her third year with me 2 weeks ago, so I know the family well. Dad treats her like a baby, and does everything for her. She still can't tie her own shoes, sharpen a pencil or even open a candy wrapper, because she's always had daddy to do it for her. I am trying to teach her to be more independent. She reads at a sixth grade level but can't add 23+22. She remembers every detail of anything she's told, and has no "social" filters.

If something was "going on" with daddy, I think she would have told me in her unique way. I really think it's just that daddy thinks of her as his "baby"-yet she needs to learn to start growing up and being independent.

EZ, I can so relate to this dad! What starts out as doing for your kid because they can't do it for themselves often turns into a habit that the parent just doesn't think about. I know that is/was the case with us. Sometimes it took the school raising the bar on personal independence that helped him to become much more independent. Oh and he didn't get the shoe tying thing until he was 12 or 13.

Sometimes they screwed up. Example. They went to the Special Olympics last spring. Beautiful, sunny day. My son wouldn't let me put sunblock on him before he left for school - it's a tactile thing and it was 6:30 in the morning - so I packed the sunblock and wrote his teacher a note to make sure that he put on the sunblock. Well he came home burnt to a crisp! I wrote the teacher another note, mouthing off cause I was really, really mad. She said that Kevin refused to put the sunblock on himself (which he's capable of doing but does a half-assed job ). So, they just let it go! Grrrrr. This is a case where, even though he can do it himself, if he refuses then someone has to step in and do it for him. Her response to my note? They added the following statement to the permission form for field trips: If you want your child to wear sunblock apply it at home.

 

[007]

Has anyone ASKED the girl if daddy touches her inappropriately when they're in bed? I mean that's what all the excitement is about isn't it?

Sure the girl should have her own bed at 11, but everybody is all "concerned" because there's this chance dad has been molesting her... right? Sure it is. But as far as I can see, if dad wanted to molest little autistic daughter, why would he have to wait until bedtime to do it? He could, "would be," doing it whenever the urge hit him. So if he isn't, chances are he isn't in bed either. But, she still needs her own bed. I suppose getting an outside source involved to make the necessary changes was a good idea though. That way, innocent or not, dad will be made to understand it shouldn't continue.