What does Allah say about short penises?

[Comrade]

Holy crap, this is just about the funniest thing I’ve read this year so far. It’s one thing to think about the ridiculous standards of Islam, but to know these people take all this quite seriously is like watching a train wreck… deeply troubling but fascinating nonetheless.

REAL QUESTIONS FROM ASK-THE-IMAM.COM
Islamic Q&A Online with Mufti Ebrahim Desai

Considering the site is for English speaking Muslims, I expect that the majority of these questions come from the so-called moderates who live in the West. I imagine the arabic sites probably have a vast mine of whoppers even more amazing.

So Grand Mufti, tell me:

Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Passing wind from the front in women does not invalidate the Wudhu.

But it’ll sure get you some funny looks on the bus!

Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: It will suffice to remove the Nike logos from them.

So the swoosh is now a religious symbol? BOW TO NIKE, YE UNBELIEVERS!

Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible.

Is it possible that monkeys will fly out of my ass? Well sure, with a few operations and some genetic tampering, you’ll see! Allah’s will be done.

Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is not permissible.

Somebody tell this guy what he really wants her to get pierced… the tounge baby!

Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur'aan states, 'Have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the front opening & not in the hind opening.'

So the mouth and the tounge piercing are still a go, right??? (please please please Allah!)

Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jews. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job.

I hear the suicide bombers are hiring.

Q: I have a bad habit of watching gay pornography. Please help.
A: Pornography is Haraam (strictly prohibited). To be gay is also Haraam. I suggest you obtain some literature about the fire of hell & its severe punishments.

Yeah, but if he likes guys, he likes guys. Whether he does something about it or not, he is STILL gay. I guess Allah just hates homosexuals for who they are (his own creation).

Q: I look like a famous person in England called David Baddiel (he is a comedian). People call me Dave all the time. It is really annoying & depressing. I don't understand why Allah would give me this curse.
A: Remind the people around you that you are not a kafir & you are a Muslim faithful to your Deen.

Well that’s pretty unfunny. And rude enough to convince them properly, I guess. But not exactly a diplomatic move for promoting Islam!

Q: I would like to ask that does the size of the penis matter?. If so what size should it be? because i am worried.
A: If the penis is small but normal, it does not matter. If the penis is abnormal, for example, cut off, then that matters.

Really? What if I only took an inch off the top?

Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes.

Of course that’s why I had to cut off the damn huge thing in the first place, now it makes a nice bookstand to rest the Koran on.

Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: No.

Can I still use the LA Times to wipe my bung hole?

Q: Is there a prohibition against whistling?
A: It is not permissible to whistle. However, if there is a dire need & there is no alternative, then one will be excused.

What if my dire need is to get laid? Can I whistle at a woman?

Q: Ive read on da mosque board dat one of da sins r da pants below da ankles? from which hadith is this?
A: Wearing pants below the ankles is one of the major sins.

How do you ‘wear’ pants below the ankles? I think he means ‘gangster style’, although how Mohammad saw that one coming a mellinium before gangsters, style, and pants themselves is beyond me!
The only sin I see is this guys English.

Q: During lunch break, I warm up my food in the same microwave that everybody uses. Please let me know if it is alright.
A: It is permissible to share a microwave with non-Muslims. It is advisable to wipe the oven before using it.

A quik spit polish is good enough for me!

Q: Do we have to shave scrotum? What exactly is 'hind parts' that we have to shave?
A: One has to shave the scrotum. By hind parts is meant the circle around the anus, as faeces could get attached to any hair present there.

That’s just … eeeeewww!

Q: I masturbated a few days ago & my auntie died few days later. Is this my fault?
A: Firstly, masturbation is not permitted in Islam. Second, masturbating does not effect the death of another person or can cause them any harm.

But it will still make YOU go blind, filthy sinner!

Via Blog Quebecois

 

[insein]

that is pretty god damn hillarious. :cof:

 

[Comrade]

Man alive, I mean I don't even have to try to make fun of this website. I did a random fatwa and came up with this gem.

http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=12208

What it is with the Imman and his fascination with wearing pants around the ankles anyway?

Can men have a vasectomy? What is the ruling on wearing the trousers above the ancles? Jazzakallah


Answer 12208 2004-07-22

It will not be permissible for men to have vasectomy. A vasectomy is tantamount to permanent birth control which is not permissible. Moreover, it is also tantamount to ‘change in the creation’ which is prohibited in the
Qur’aan. ‘And I (Shaytaan) will order them to deface the nature created by Allah.’ (Contemporary Medical Issues in Islamic Jurisprudence pgs.185-186)

Well that sounds all nice until we get around to asking why women have their clitoris cut off in Islam... and that's NOT defacing nature?

But more importantly, WHAT ABOUT THE TROUSERS?

The ruling of wearing the trousers above the ankles is Waajib (compulsory). It comes in a Hdith that whatever is below the ankles will be in the fire of hell.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

So litterally, Allah says my trousers (or at least the cuff part) will burn in HELL! :dev1: I always hated wearing them, anyway.


Find a random fatwa for yourself if you want some true wackiness...

 

[Comrade]

Is it permissible in Islam to have friendship(not close) with the non-muslims through chatting on the internet?

I had some non-muslim friends with me. I chatted with them regularly but a Muslim friend of mine told me it is not permitted in Islam so I stopped chatting with them but i m still confused. So tell me whether its a sin to have a chat with non-muslims or it is permissible in Islam.

Answer 12381 2004-08-10

One is allowed to mix with non-muslims and chat with them on permissible topics, however they should not be made close friends. This of course is for those of your on gender. Chatting with the opposite gender is prohibited. :69:

Your intention when dealing and chatting with them, should be to invite them towards Islam.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best :hail:

Ml. Husain Kadodia
STUDENT: Darul Ifta

CHECKED & APPROVED: Mufti Ebrahim Desai

Nice. Real nice.

 

[Comrade]

Are we allowed to pray in front of a fish tank, with fish in it?
:hail:

Answer 2930 2001-05-16

It is permissible.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
FATWA DEPT.

 

[Comrade]

Is there anything unislamic about being a part of the United States military.

I am in the United States Marine Corps and many Muslim brothers try and put me down by questioning who's side am I on because the US is known for causing conflict in Muslim countries. Those are not my intentions of course. I would like to know the Islamic view on this.

Answer 2566 2001-03-31

By joining the police force of a Kuffaar state, you will be actively assisting them in enforcing many injust laws.

It is thus, not permissible for a Muslim to serve in the police force of England.

(HUH??? Are you listening to the question Your Grand Muftinessnish?)

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
FATWA DEPT.

I guess that explains this guy...

http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,11647273^1702,00.html

 

[Comrade]

Is Osamah bin Laden is really a hero of Islamic Ummah? Do Taliban government of Afghanistan done right by demolishing the Buddah statues?

My question is that Is Osamah bin Laden is really a hero of Islamic Ummah? If he is involved in bombings at US Embassies worldwide (as US government claims) did he done any service to todays Muslim world? Is it right to kill Americans whether government officers in such bombings according to Islamic rules? My second question is that Do Taleban government of Afghanistan done right by demolishing the Buddhah statues? There are wide Fatwas against there this act. What is your fatwa?

Answer 2494 2001-03-31


1. Usama ibn Laden is a practising Muslim, and thus, our brother in Islam.
He has made many sacrifices for the Deen, in particular, the Jihaad of
Afghanistan. While we respect him for this, we do not raise any person to
any position, except that which Allah Ta'ala wishes.


2. He himself has denied involvement.
Why should we then doubt him?
Even if a billion Kuffaar say the opposite, the word of a single practising Muslim is more acceptable to us.

3. It was an Islamic duty for the Taliban to have destroyed the idols.
and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai
FATWA DEPT.

:fu2:

This is true Islam, then? Of course if it sounds like my enemy it certainly can't be the REAL Islam of Peace and Tolerance like we hear about.

It's interesting to note this post occurred before 9-11... I guess since then OBL changed his tune and the weaseling Immans have gone underground with this utter bullshit about 'him being innocent'... hard to claim now that Osama has admitted himself he was just fooling the infidels about how innocent he was.

And edited out of course are all the questions since 9-11 about the war on terror especially regarding brother Osama.

 

[Comrade]

To become a citizen of US one has to take an oath of allegiance. is it ok to take the oath.

The oath of allegiance is as follows: I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince, potentate, state, or sovereignty, of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of the United States of America against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I will bear arms on behalf of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform noncombatant service in the Armed Forces of the United States when required by the law; that I will perform work of national importance under civilian direction when required by the law; and that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; so help me God. They also ask on the citizenship form the following questions: If the law requires it, are you willing to bear arms on behalf of US? If the law requires it, are you willing to perform noncombatant service in the US Armed Forces? If the law requires it, are you willing to perform work of national importance under civilian direction? My question is can we answer yes to these questions? is there anything wrong in doing that. what should the answer be: yes or no? could you please kindly give an urgent answer. jazakallah.

Answer 8471 2003-04-25


As Muslims, we are duty bound to follow our lives strictly according to Shari’ah. Whatever Shari’ah allows us to do, we will abide by that and whatever Shari’ah has restricted us from, we will refrain from it. Hence, we are not allowed to obey anybody if it is resulting in the disobedience of the Creator, Allah. Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, ‘There is no obedience for the creation by disobeying the Creator.’ (Mirqaat vol.7 pg.217; Imdadiyyah).

Hence, keeping this in mind if one is forced to sign the above in order to become a citizen or the only way of attaining citizenship is by acknowledging the above, then one may sign it with the intention that Shari’ah and Deen will always be his yardstick and that he will never sacrifice any of the teachings of Deen.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

I've got a stupid idea... how about NOT becoming a US citizen and living in a Sharia hell-hole instead. That's what ya want, right? No, you want ALL OF US to live in a Sharia nightmare.

 

[Comrade]

Passing wind from the front?

A vaginal fart... I believe the technical term is a QWEEF.

 

[Zhukov]

It is thus, not permissible for a Muslim to serve in the police force of England.

(HUH??? Are you listening to the question Your Grand Muftinessnish?)

Actaully I believe that particular comment stems from the old British occupation of the Middle East and the belief that we are England's enforcer, taking over where they left of. There are those in the Middle East who believe England is actually still in charge of us.

At least I think that is to what he's referring.

Ismaic fundamentalists hate the English alot more than I think most people in the U.K. understand.

 

[krisy]

A vaginal fart... I believe the technical term is a QWEEF.

:shocked: :teeth: :teeth:

Call me immature,but I can't stop laughin!!! Whover that guy was dating,must have been a real looker!!! So feminine!

 

[Comrade]

Actaully I believe that particular comment stems from the old British occupation of the Middle East and the belief that we are England's enforcer, taking over where they left of. There are those in the Middle East who believe England is actually still in charge of us.

At least I think that is to what he's referring.

Ismaic fundamentalists hate the English alot more than a think most people in the U.K. understand.

That makes a whole lot more sense, or at least sensible in view of the fact that these wankers are CERTIFIABLE.

I found this section on 'Islamic Politics' which answers a ton of questions since 9-11...
http://www.islam.tc/cgi-bin/askimam/cat.pl?c=Islamic Politics

I was shocked recently when I heard of the news that an American was beheaded by some Iraqis and this was shown on video to the whole world!!

I was shocked recently when I heard of the news that an American was beheaded by some Iraqis and this was shown on video to the whole world!! I just couldn`t digest it that a live human was slaughtered like an animal in front of the whole world!! This would certainly damage the already deterioting position of Islam in front of the west. It reminded me of a similar case of Daniel Pearl`s murder in Pakistan about 2 years back. This is really disturbing to see Muslims doing such acts of violence. I agree that the people of Iraq are also suffering at the hands of the invaders and the resistance they are lodging against them is legitimate but I don`t think that Islam permits this kind of violence. What do you say about it.

Answer 11723 2004-05-21

The incident that you have written about is indeed shocking. However, it is extremely important that we do not lose hold of the bigger picture because of our emotions. Doesn’t it seem strange that throughout the Iraqi war and so many months of oppressive occupation, it is only when the US army has come under fire from the entire world because of their gross indifference to humanity that only now the Iraqis decide to publicly execute an American?

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

Someone tell this Mufti that the 'Iraqis' aren't cutting off heads, HIS people are. And no, the Americans aren't doing this to themselves just to cover up the panty parties at Abu Gharab. Is he the only person on Earth who hasn't heard of Al-Zarqawi (Egyptian jihadist, right?). His videos are practically everywhere! Man alive, his followers must be dumb as a post if they think this is all some big conspiracy.

Of course, this is typical of how they deal with 9-11 as well.

Oh, and a few in that section are are on Osama and how he is still a brother... and after all it's still never proved he actually planned 9-11... just like Al-Zarqawi isn't really in those videos...

Was Usama Bin Ladin justified in destroying those buildings in New York?

Usama Bin Ladin has recently come close to admitted he planned the destruction of those buildings in New York, on his last tape he sent to Al Jazeera TV. if Allah would have wanted those buildings destroyed, would he not have done it himself (as in earthquake, flood)? or would Allah have allowed the buildings built in the first place if he didn't want the people to have them? do you think Bin Ladin is "hijacked Islam" for his cause of killing people, as some say? Can you give reference from Qur'an and Hadith? May the goodness of Allah be with you.

Answer 4643 2002-01-11


We have no information regarding him admitting this deed. He did not admit doing this nor is there conclusive proof showing he is guilty of this crime.

If Allah Ta'ala wishes to destroy someone or something, he employs various
methods or people to carry out the destruction. Sometimes, he employs
'natural' forces and sometimes he uses other people to carry out this
destruction which is actually a form of His divine punishment.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Muhammad Kadwa
FATWA DEPT.

CHECKED AND APPROVED CORRECT: Mufti Ebrahim Desai

That's a real boner of an answer. Totally avoids having to face their own and their horrific acts by redirecting the blame away from Osama to Allah, who we all should know must have done it because all the BAD Americans deserved it.

WHAT A LOSER RELIGION. To be so ignorant and morally unaccountable is a sin in my book!

 

[freeandfun1]

WHAT A LOSER RELIGION. To be so ignorant and morally unaccountable is a sin in my book!

WHAT A LOSER RELIGION.
WHAT A LOSER RELIGION.
WHAT A LOSER RELIGION.
WHAT A LOSER RELIGION.
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WHAT A LOSER RELIGION.

To be so ignorant and morally unaccountable!

 

[Comrade]

Ahh, to be so ignorant and morally unaccountable again, like in High School!

 

[5stringJeff]

Ahh, to be so ignorant and morally unaccountable again, like in High School!

Hear, hear!

 

[sitarro]

A vaginal fart... I believe the technical term is a QWEEF.

Gee , I wonder what it smelled like. :nine:

 

[Avatar4321]

this has got to be one of the funniest things ive ever read