WARNING" Groaner

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Merlin1047, Oct 10, 2004.

  1. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Don't bitch. I warned you.
    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows. The animals were separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the cows would grab them and pull the llamas over to their side. At that point, they would kick the llama around, using him like a soccer ball. They did this for a few hours every day until they tired of it.

    The moral of the story?

    Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys.
     
  2. Joz
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    Joz Senior Member

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    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood & became a famous actor. The other stayed behind & worked the cotton fields. Naturally the second one was known as the lesser of two weevils.
     
  3. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Okay, you asked for it.

    Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.

    "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

    "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

    "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

    Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
     
  4. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
    The brother said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk."
     
  5. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    I don't usually pass on news like this. I know how busy you all are but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about...so pass on this sad, sad news. . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket.
    They'd put his left leg in and.. .well, you know the rest
     
  6. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
    Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
     
  7. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
    When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
     
  8. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
     
  9. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
    "No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
     
  10. Joz
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    Joz Senior Member

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    :D Way to go. This is one I have never heard.
     

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