Various, Pt. 2

Discussion in 'Humor' started by moseying_stoner, Apr 4, 2004.

  1. moseying_stoner

    moseying_stoner Guest

    Tiger, the tiger

    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"


    "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."


    A little boy and girl go trick or treating.

    They knock on the door of a house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

    "We're Jack and Jill," the girl replied.

    The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

    So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.

    They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.

    "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

    "We're Hansel and Gretel," says the little boy.

    "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"

    Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again.

    This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

    "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now!?" he asks.

    "Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

    A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
    They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

    They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

    The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

    David finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
    "Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.

    "Not on her best day," he replied.

    "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

    "No, she's broke."

    "Well, then, is it sex?"

    "Nobody does it like you, babe."

    "Then what can she do that I can't?"

    "Sue me for child support."


    A priest, a rabbi, and a baptist minister are on a cruise ship. All of a sudden it hits a rock and starts going down like the Titanic. The baptist ministers screams "Oh Lord, what do we do?! We must first save the children!" The rabbi looks at him and yells "Are you kidding? Fuck the children!" The priest turns around and says "You guys think we have time for that?"


    A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
    Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
    So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
    The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
    So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
    To which the mother replied, "April fool!"


    A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surrounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, "Water!"
    The bartender looks at him and says, "Got any money?"
    The guy shakes his head no and again says, "Water!"
    The bartender says, "No money, no water."
    The guy looks around and spots a spittoon. He tells the bartender, "Guess I'll have to drink this."
    The bartender replies, "Be my guest, no money, no water."
    Customers see the man drinking out of the spittoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.
    The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking.
    As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spittoon down and wipes his mouth off. The bartender asks, "Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding."
    The man responds, "I couldn't stop."
    "Why not?" the bartender asks.
    The guy replies, "Cos it was all one long string!"

  2. Aquarian

    Aquarian Member

    Oct 16, 2003
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    You're goin to hell for posting it, I'm goin to hell for laughing...


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