US Imperialism

[Annie]

SATIRE ALERT!​

Now we could just get it done and everyone could stop harping about it:

http://www.scrappleface.com/MT/archives/002077.html

February 20, 2005
With 'Open Arms' Bush Offers to Buy Europe, Russia
by Scott Ott

(2005-02-20) -- In an effort to thaw international relations, U.S. President George Bush heads to Brussels today with "open arms" and "an attractive bid to buy Europe and Russia and bring them into the American portfolio of nations."

"Rather than view France, Germany and Russia as our contentious friends, we'd like to say they're part of the family," said Mr. Bush. "Call it a merger. Call it synergy. I just think we have so much opportunity in a shared future of unity, that it would be crazy not to do this deal."

Mr. Bush, who once owned a Major League Baseball franchise, added that "when I see untapped talent, under-used resources and rank mismanagement, I see an invitation engraved in gold."

He assured presidents Vladimir Putin, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schröder that they would have significant roles in the new, expanded America, where they would report directly to Mr. Bush.

"Can you imagine what American ingenuity, and the fresh breeze of freedom could do with the beauty and natural resources of these great lands?" Mr. Bush asked rhetorically. "And think of the time we'll save not arguing about who rules the world."

In late trading, the value of European and Russian bonds rose 12 percent.