The current consensus on immigration is that the procedure is a complete joke that is ripe for exploitation. That's not to say that migrant workers aren't welcome in the U.K, they are. But to fulfil a moral obligation to this country in return for a better life they must try to earn their keep and not spit in the taxpayers face by taking them for an easy ride. The blame however, doesn't always end up at the applicants door. It's the lazy bureaucratic Civil Service who are too quick to lay down arms against ultra liberal dictates and guidelines from Brussels whilst trying their utmost to avoid inviting litigation from human rights charities and pressure groups acting on behalf of failed applicants. The following scenario should break it down. Home Office Immigration & Nationality directorate, Croydon. Immigration official: "Ah, Miss Adana. Please, come in and take a seat." Miss Adana: "Thanking you, sir." IO: "I've had a look at your application and it appears you're a qualified nurse in your native Albania." MA: "That is correct, sir. I am a qualified nurse with six years experience and have spent the last two years working at the University Hospital Frankfurt specialising in pediatric nursing." IO: "That's very encouraging. And to perform this role am I correct in assuming you're required to be fluent in German?" MA: "That is correct, sir. I am also fluent in English and have a clean driving licence." IO: "Do you have any dependents?" MA: "No. Just me." IO: "Well, that's concluded this appointment, Miss Adana. I'm not making any promises but from what you've got on paper I can't see any obstacles blocking you obtaining a working visa with a possibility of a leave to remain if you choose to pursue it." MA: "Oh, thanking you so much, sir. I have always wanted to live in the United Kingdom. You have made my dreams come true!" IO: "There's no need to cry, Miss Adana. You've earned this all by yourself through your hard work and dedication." MA: "You're too kind. Is there anything I can do to thank you?" IO: "No, Miss Adana. I must now ask you to leave as I have more applicants to attend to. Please close the door on your way out." MA: "Thanking you, sir." IO: "Take care now" Second appointment. IO: "Ah, Mr Ozan. Please, take a seat." MO: "Cheers, boz." IO: "Mr Ozan, smoking is not permitted in government buildings." MO: "Sorry, boz." IO: "Now, Mr Ozan, I've had a look at your application and it appears your name was flagged in relation to an arrest warrant issued by Albanian Police in Tirana charging you with interfering with farmyard animals. Can you explain what this means?" MO: "Iz simple. I prefer pack-animals to boyz" IO: "Are you describing the sexual assault of a quadruped!" MO: "Iz no assault. I pay." IO: "I see. And what about your employment history?" MO: "I drive taxi an' fix tractorz." IO: "Do you have any dependents?" MO: "Yiz. I have 24 children." IO: "I see. And will you be including them and their mother in your application? MO: "Some o' dem. But I donno where the mother is buried." IO: "Buried?" MO: "Yeah, I couln't afford the vets bill so they put her down." IO: "Well, to be honest, Mr Ozan it's not looking hopeful but I'll send your application to be processed. Please close the door on your way out." Later that day... Supervisor: "Alan, can we have a chat in my office?" Alan: "Of course." S: "We've had a call from the top asking why a Mr Ozan's application for a visa was turned down over a Miss Adana's?" A: "Well, it's quite simple. Miss Adana is a conscientious and hardworking nurse who would make a positive impact if she were to be awarded a visa to work in the U.K. Mr Ozan on the other hand is an ignorant peasant with an outstanding arrest warrant for animal Buggery. I would have thought that was quite clear." S: "Well, I'm afraid there's been some unforeseen developments. The Home Office is concerned that Mr Ozan could be deeply, deeply offended if his application was turned down on those grounds. And that if sent back he runs the risk of being laughed at in the street for sleeping with animals. So we have been told to send this Miss Adana back to Albania and accept Mr Ozan's application so as to show the world we're willing to welcome socially inept and sexually deviant applicants who are not in the least bit interested in contributing towards the social and economic progression of their adoptive country. A: "But that's madness. I refuse to do it!" S: "Alan, do I need to remind you that both our careers would be in jeopardy if the PC brigade got hold of this. They'd nail us to the wall. And besides, it wont be you breaking the news to this Miss...what's her name again?" A: "Adana." S: "That's it. All you have to do is come up with a credible reason for denying her a visa that will stand up against an appeal. A: "I'll see what I can do." Later that month. Immigration official: "Ah, Miss Adana. Please take a seat." Miss Adana: "You not same man." IO: "Yes, I'm afraid your previous case officer has been reasigned." MA: "I see." IO: "Now, I'm not going to beat about the bush but I'm afraid it's not good news. Your application has been turned down." MA: "B...b...but I'm told I'm good nurse and the U.K needs and welcomes qualified people who will make a positive impact on the country! Why am I not allowed to stay?" IO: "It says here the reason, and a reason I happen to support, is that your application for a working visa was turned down because in your last interview you failed to close the door properly when leaving the room." MA: "But this is silly. I want to help the sick and suffering." IO: "You may be a qualified nurse, Miss Adana, but we have rules in this country and those rules state that we can't under any circumstances favour an applicant who forgets their manners." MA: "Please, I am begging you!" IO: "You will be escorted by security to a secure detention facility to await repatriation. Good day." Later that day. IO: "Ah, Mr Ozan. Please take a seat." MO: "You mind if I smoke?" IO: "Yes I do, but soon you'll be able smoke as much as you want. It says here that not only did you manage to close the door on your way out of your last visit, but the top button of your shirt was properly done up. Well done, Mr Ozan. By displaying impeccable manners you've ticked all the right boxes and as a result your application to live (and scrounge) in the U.K has been successful." MO: "Nice one, boz! If you ever need a false witness to a moody insurance claim. I'm ya man." IO: "That wont be necessary, Mr Ozan. All you need to do now is put your name down on your councils housing list where you'll automatically be fast tracked up the waiting list due to your circumstances."