DrLove
Diamond Member
Very funny and short column about Trump's lies.
A few snips
Trump told more than 2,000 lies in the past year. And so did I.
A few snips
My parents and stepparents did not raise a liar, but after tossing my two-faced whoppers around without any consequences, the feelings of guilt and shame turned into liberation and empowerment. Truth be told — and why tell it? — nonfiction is so passe. Fiction is now all the rage. The president gets it. Breitbart, Fox News and Sarah Huckabee Sanders see no downside. Nor do memoirists.
My newfound proclivity for lying has uncovered a fount of creativity I did not know I possessed. I boasted to friends that I had read “Moby Dick” five times, but only once in English. Yes, the Uzbek translation was a bit of a challenge, but not as daunting as the Arabic version. Took three hours out of my busy day.
My visit to the dentist was more problematic. My defensive, “Yes, of course I floss twice a day!” was met with raised eyebrows by the hygienist, who then scraped away at my teeth a bit too aggressively. But I stuck to my guns, and she really stuck it to my gums.
This move to mendaciousness has changed my life for the better. My moral boundaries have been replaced with borderless frontiers of dishonesty. I no longer flinch when I fib, nor do I even look the least bit conflicted, unlike, for example, U.S. Rep. Devin Nunes. I can just straight-out lie with the best of them without crossing my fingers behind my back, or biting my lower lip.
As George Costanza famously said, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” And believe me, I believe me. I can actually recall LeBron’s incredulous expression when I poster-ized him on that dunk. He was, like, holy moly, this 62-year-old white male with thick hipster glasses and wild eyebrows has some kind of hops!
The surprising thing is that no one ever calls me out on my fabrications. There are no fact-checkers or Pinocchios awarded for freelance liars like me. No tape or tweets exist to cause embarrassment. No surrogates contradict me. I’m flying and lying under the radar.
I admit I am not quite yet in the president’s league for articulating alternate facts, but this was my full first year of yarns, while the president has been perfecting his skills for decades. He really is the best liar we have had in the entire panoply of liars. And that’s the truth. Just ask him.
My newfound proclivity for lying has uncovered a fount of creativity I did not know I possessed. I boasted to friends that I had read “Moby Dick” five times, but only once in English. Yes, the Uzbek translation was a bit of a challenge, but not as daunting as the Arabic version. Took three hours out of my busy day.
My visit to the dentist was more problematic. My defensive, “Yes, of course I floss twice a day!” was met with raised eyebrows by the hygienist, who then scraped away at my teeth a bit too aggressively. But I stuck to my guns, and she really stuck it to my gums.
This move to mendaciousness has changed my life for the better. My moral boundaries have been replaced with borderless frontiers of dishonesty. I no longer flinch when I fib, nor do I even look the least bit conflicted, unlike, for example, U.S. Rep. Devin Nunes. I can just straight-out lie with the best of them without crossing my fingers behind my back, or biting my lower lip.
As George Costanza famously said, “It’s not a lie if you believe it.” And believe me, I believe me. I can actually recall LeBron’s incredulous expression when I poster-ized him on that dunk. He was, like, holy moly, this 62-year-old white male with thick hipster glasses and wild eyebrows has some kind of hops!
The surprising thing is that no one ever calls me out on my fabrications. There are no fact-checkers or Pinocchios awarded for freelance liars like me. No tape or tweets exist to cause embarrassment. No surrogates contradict me. I’m flying and lying under the radar.
I admit I am not quite yet in the president’s league for articulating alternate facts, but this was my full first year of yarns, while the president has been perfecting his skills for decades. He really is the best liar we have had in the entire panoply of liars. And that’s the truth. Just ask him.
Trump told more than 2,000 lies in the past year. And so did I.
