Totally Tasteless Jokes, One Liners, Quips, and Other Assorted Sundries

[Pop23]

A sailor got his first shore leave in over a year and was ready for a women.

He went to the first whorehouse he could find and asked the madam for the wildest time she had. Money was no option

She pointed down the hall, said door number 5, but it would cost him $1,000,

He paid the lady, walked down the door and walked into the room only to find a 65 year old, fat and ugly hooker.

Ok he said, this is supposed to be wild. What you got old woman?

She took a fake eye out grabbed him and placed his member into her eye socket.

15 minutes later the young sailor was exhausted by, what was the best sex he had ever experienced.

He pulled away and told the old women that the next time he came to town he'd be back.

OK, she responded I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU SONNY

 

[Pop23]

How do you make a hormone?

Don't pay her

 

[HomeInspect]

White did the Italian girl say while being raped in a rented car ??

It's a Hertz, It's a Hertz !

 

[HomeInspect]

A group of Lesbians and group of Gay guys leave for the beach at the same time. Who gets there first?

Too tough to call, cause the Lesbos get there lickety split, but the guys packed their shit the night before.

 

[yidnar]

a Polack walks into a bar with a hand full of shit and yells .....hey everybody look what I almost stepped in !!

 

[BorisTheAnimal]

What kind of "file" makes a hole go from this:


o


to this:


O

A pedophile

 

[BorisTheAnimal]

Why are New Yorkers some of the fastest readers on the planet?




They can do 110 stories in 5 seconds.

 

[BorisTheAnimal]

What kind of pizza did the people on the 85th floor of the North Tower order for lunch?




Two large plains.

 

[Noomi]

^lol

 

[Mertex]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

 

[Bonzi]

 

[Bonzi]

I could live in here... but it's Sunday.......

 

[TheProgressivePatriot]

Have you heard about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who was up all night wondering if there is a DOG?

 

[idb]

I blame Subway! ................... The kids had a better chance of outrunning Jared Fogle when he was fat

 

[Bonzi]

 

[Bonzi]

 

[idb]

Apparently Kate had asked the Queen what the secret was to a long and happy marriage in the Royal family.
The Queen replied "Always wear your seatbelt, and never piss me off..."




I can't help but think that Will and Kate have missed a trick with naming their new daughter.
Elizabeth Paris Mercedes would have been a nice blend of modern and historical while also being the Cluedo answer for "what happened to Granny"?

 

[Bonzi]

 

[idb]

Q - What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A - Halfway.

 

[idb]

During his sentencing, Rolf Harris has said he will be happy with anything under 10 years.