'WASHINGTON, DC --- John Kerry contacted the Pentagon today to request a Silver Star for a recent swift boat mission he ran through the streets of New Orleans. While the Pentagon claims the mission was unauthorized, Kerry claims it was a secret mission approved by the highest levels of the government. "I clearly remember listening to the radio and hearing President Bush deny that swift boats were in New Orleans," said Kerry. "And there I was on a swift boat in New Orleans. Dodging bullets. Scanning the shore for enemy fire and mortar attack. The band aid on my hand covers a wound I received while moving too quickly on deck for a photo op and scraping against the railing." Sean Penn tried to join Kerry on his own swift boat, but it sank before leaving dock. Penn forgot to put the plug in the bottom of the boat and refused to stuff his Communist flag in the hole to prevent flooding.