To Cheat Or Not To Cheat?

[NATO AIR]

Honestly, I want your no-holds barred opinions.

I've had several bad relationships. I don't "trust" women. I have a great girlfriend (in Hong Kong), but she's far away and we only will see each other at varying points for the next few years. I hold a growing degree of faith in her, as my faith in myself seems to dwindle.

You see, I have been "tempted" on several occasions as of late. I'm not the a very handsome guy, nor a great practitioner of conversation with the opposite sex about things that don't lie well in the friendship or business categories. However, three very different females have walked into my life in the past few weeks, and I feel weaker and less certain with every passing day in my ability to remain faithful as they each make clear their interest and (in one case) their desire.

(going out to sea for nearly two months will help, but these same people will be around when I return)

So, I don't think cheating is the right thing, but I fell my good judgement falling by the wayside the more I try to fight tempatation and the advances of the three.

I feel guilty praying about it, because i'm ashamed of having considered cheating in the first place.

So as I will not be asking my shipmates about this (the overwhelming answer was, is and shall remain "its not cheating until you're married") nor my friends in Japan (who have been encouraging me to "hook up").

What do you all think?

 

[Annie]

Personally, I found that once I was 'certain' that I loved someone, I didn't consider 'temptations'. I liked to look, but no touchie. I would have said 'that may just be women', but nowadays seems that many cheat about the same as men...

I think it's choice.

 

[NATO AIR]

Personally, I found that once I was 'certain' that I loved someone, I didn't consider 'temptations'. I liked to look, but no touchie. I would have said 'that may just be women', but nowadays seems that many cheat about the same as men...

I think it's choice.

domo.

me too

i have to make the right choice.

 

[Adam's Apple]

Your men friends/colleagues are right. It is not cheating if you're not married, engaged or have otherwise made a serious commitment to each other in some way. As Kathianne implied, if you're really in love and committed to your girlfriend, you will not be tempted. When love really enters the picture, that relationship will be your #1 priority. Good luck in making a choice you can live with and feel comfortable about.

 

[Mr. P]

I’m a bit concerned that you are trying to live at a commitment level of marriage without being married. You’re having doubts brought on by temptation shows you are not devoted to this girl on that level (IMO). In addition it’s a long distance relationship, that’s one of the most difficult kind for even the most committed people to maintain. How old are you now 21? How much relationship experience have you really had? Take the opportunity to smell the roses Nato, don’t cheat yourself out of opportunity to grow.
Just my opinion.

 

[Nuc]

I’m a bit concerned that you are trying to live at a commitment level of marriage without being married. You’re having doubts brought on by temptation shows you are not devoted to this girl on that level (IMO). In addition it’s a long distance relationship, that’s one of the most difficult kind for even the most committed people to maintain. How old are you now 21? How much relationship experience have you really had? Take the opportunity to smell the roses Nato, don’t cheat yourself out of opportunity to grow.
Just my opinion.

Good advice here. But I disagree with the part about long distance relationships. Sometimes they're easier to maintain. Because if you were around the other person continuously you find out what's wrong about a relationship faster and get to the breaking point sooner. On a sex level they are hard to maintain, depending upon your character, but on a relationship level you spread out 3 months of living together over the course of a year or two on the calendar.

 

[no1tovote4]

It depends on the expectation of the relationship that you are in. Have you made an agreement not to date others? If not you will find you are disappointed in the amount of people she has hooked up with while you were gone. It doesn't seem that at this point in time you are ready for a long-term relationship. If you are feeling that tempted it may be time for a conversation with your gfriend in Hong Kong, she is probably feeling the same way but just doesn't want to tell you.

Honesty is a good thing, telling her the relationship is changing because of distance and temptation may hurt her feelings in the short-run, but if she finds out you worked her behind her back wouldn't you just be doing what girls have done to you to make you not trust them? Be trustworthy and honest with both your gfriend and yourself. Allow yourself and her to find the people that are right for your situation at this time in your life.

 

[5stringJeff]

I don't know the whole deal about your gf in Hong Kong, but if you guys are trying to do the long-distance exclusive relationship thing, I think you are setting yourself up for failure. I would advise you to talk with your Hong Kong gf about the expectations of your relationship. It could be that you both agree that you should be free to see others.

It could also be that you decide that you want to see others. If that's the case, I would advise you to be honest with yourself, first of all. There's nothing wrong with a single guy wanting to date different women. However, I would also advise you to be honest with your Hong Kong gf. If you feel that you don't want the relationship to be exclusive, that's your right, but you should let her know.

Hope that helps.

 

[Zhukov]

Were it me I'd try to get to know all three girls as well as I could. If the option of having sex with any of them arose, I would make my decision then. Do I want to have sex with this person? How am I going to feel about it if I do? How will I feel tommorow? Next week? What are the ultimate consequences of my actions?

These are question no one can answer for you but you.



At the very least socialize and flirt with these girls. Girls are fun. In time maybe you'll find that you like one of them better than even the girl in Hong Kong. Maybe you'll find out that you don't want to sleep with any of them. Either way, you should try to find out. Have a good time.

Just don't lead anyone on, and don't lie.

 

[manu1959]

multiple girls in multiple cities works for me....been there done that.....it actually helped me learn to be committed .... further, i would imagine your girlfriend is going through the same struggle....anyway, when my wife came along i knew that i could be faithful as we could openly discuss topics like this without fear of rejection or failure.....honesty is the best policy though....tell her what is going on and you struggle.....her response may surprise you....also it is too hard to keep all the lies straight

 

[The ClayTaurus]

Honestly, I want your no-holds barred opinions.

I've had several bad relationships. I don't "trust" women. I have a great girlfriend (in Hong Kong), but she's far away and we only will see each other at varying points for the next few years. I hold a growing degree of faith in her, as my faith in myself seems to dwindle.

You see, I have been "tempted" on several occasions as of late. I'm not the a very handsome guy, nor a great practitioner of conversation with the opposite sex about things that don't lie well in the friendship or business categories. However, three very different females have walked into my life in the past few weeks, and I feel weaker and less certain with every passing day in my ability to remain faithful as they each make clear their interest and (in one case) their desire.

(going out to sea for nearly two months will help, but these same people will be around when I return)

So, I don't think cheating is the right thing, but I fell my good judgement falling by the wayside the more I try to fight tempatation and the advances of the three.

I feel guilty praying about it, because i'm ashamed of having considered cheating in the first place.

So as I will not be asking my shipmates about this (the overwhelming answer was, is and shall remain "its not cheating until you're married") nor my friends in Japan (who have been encouraging me to "hook up").

What do you all think?

There seems to be a bit of an anti-long-distance vibe in this thread, so I just wanted to come on as someone with long-distance relationship success and tell you that it can be done. The key thing is, you need to be able to differentiate between loving the person you're in a long distance relationship with and doing it out of routine. I wouldn't say it's a bad thing to be interested by others, and the proximity definitely makes it tempting, but if the girl in Hong Kong is ultimately for you, simply thinking about your life if she were not in it should do the trick. Would those same girls be tempting to you if you went home every night to her? Also, when you say things like "I'm not very good looking" it makes me think like there is a possibility that you don't want to end the Hong Kong relationship for fear of never finding someone else... if that's a reason for staying with someone, you probably need to do some soul searching...

On the other side, trust is a huge factor. If you can't have 100% certainty that she isn't fooling around on you, then your mind will do you in from paranoia.

I do sympathize more with you though, as I'm sure your ability to visit each other is bit more out of your hands then it is for me. Despite how much everyone hates them, long distance relationships are good. I think everyone should go through one before they get married, because it is an excellent test of devotion.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

I'm anti long distance relationships. The things nuc mentioned as "pluses" are just ways of avoiding issues and drawing out the inevitable. You need to make plans to be in the same metro area before you make that commitment, and if you don't have that level of control in your life, maybe it ain't time. Now a fling at sea sounds fine, on the other hand.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

I should have clarified. Starting and maintaining a relationship over a long distance, probably not a good idea. But in my case, after 2 years of being in the same town, it's been a difficult yet educational and beneficial experience to be in a long distance relationship.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

According to the choices offered in the thread worldview, you have to put me down as "cheat".

 

[rtwngAvngr]

Actually no. It's not cheat. I think you should tell her that it's too hard doing the long distance thing. And you perhaps need to reexamine your appeal to the ladies if you're such a hit all the sudden. When it rains it pours.

 

[Nuc]

I'm anti long distance relationships. The things nuc mentioned as "pluses" are just ways of avoiding issues and drawing out the inevitable. You need to make plans to be in the same metro area before you make that commitment, and if you don't have that level of control in your life, maybe it ain't time. Now a fling at sea sounds fine, on the other hand.

You misunderstood me. I think bad relationships last a lot longer if they are long distance ones because people don't get sick of each other as fast as they should. I don't consider that a plus.

 

[Said1]

I think bad relationships last a lot longer if they are long distance ones because people don't get sick of each other as fast as they should. I don't consider that a plus.

I agree with this point, TOTALLY. Out of sight=denial. Not in all cases of course.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

You misunderstood me. I think bad relationships last a lot longer if they are long distance ones because people don't get sick of each other as fast as they should. I don't consider that a plus.

You're right. I was speed reading.

 

[Nuc]

I agree with this point, TOTALLY. Out of sight=denial. Not in all cases of course.

I have been in several long distance relationships. I believe there is a curve. Maybe you fall in love with somebody but for professional reasons, or whatever, you can't live in the same town. You try to see each other as much as possible and that's sweet for about a year. But if you're not willing to compromise and find a way to be together after that, bail, because you are just treading water.

 

[The ClayTaurus]

I have been in several long distance relationships. I believe there is a curve. Maybe you fall in love with somebody but for professional reasons, or whatever, you can't live in the same town. You try to see each other as much as possible and that's sweet for about a year. But if you're not willing to compromise and find a way to be together after that, bail, because you are just treading water.

Can't live in the same town to start, or after a certain amount of time living close to each other?