Things to contemplate

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Merlin1047, Nov 19, 2004.

  1. Merlin1047
    Offline

    Merlin1047 Senior Member

    Joined:
    Mar 28, 2004
    Messages:
    3,500
    Thanks Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Location:
    AL
    Ratings:
    +450
    DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE


    1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
    peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
    --Author Unknown

    2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
    headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle
    "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
    --Author Unknown

    3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
    group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
    --Drew Carey

    4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
    desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
    with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
    --Jeff Foxworthy

    5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
    an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
    even considering if there is a man on base."
    --Dave Barry

    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
    treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
    you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
    the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger

    7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
    the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't
    trying to teach you how to swim.'"
    --Paula Poundstone

    8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
    verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
    study: "Duh."
    --Conan O'Brien

    9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
    through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be
    eating a slow learner."
    --Lynda Montgomery

    10) "I think that's how Chicago and Detroit got started. Bunch of
    people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
    poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
    --Richard Jeni

    11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
    impersonators would be dead."
    --Johnny Carson

    12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
    --Paul Rodriguez

    13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
    sixty and that's the law."
    --Jerry Seinfeld

    14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
    fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
    tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
    --Warren Hutcherson

    15) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
    Congress... But I repeat myself."
    --Mark Twain


    16) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
    least they can find Afghanistan."
    --A. Whitney Brown

    17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
    you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
    thought of that!'"
    --Dave Barry
     
  2. Shattered
    Online

    Shattered Guest

    Ratings:
    +0
    6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
    treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
    you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
    the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
    --Bob Ettinger


    LMMFAO!
     

Share This Page