- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
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Here's a short-story fan-fic I wrote about Marvel Comics' vigilante The Punisher engaged in an anti-consumerism related mission representative of some of the market angst regarding our arguably consumerism-biased 'TrumpUSA.'
I wonder who would like such a story more, President Trump or First Lady Melania?
I don't see anything wrong with 'pro-friendship' TrumpUSA fanfare...
====
The Punisher was given an assignment to protect American celebrity/actress Kate Hudson, co-owner of the fitness-gear company Fabletics. The Punisher had established a reputation of being America's most popular and conspicuous 'vigilante,' and the CIA informed the valiant eccentric man that if Fabletics was undermined, foreign terrorists could claim that consumerism culture under the Trump Administration was in no way 'secure.' While the Punisher found the assignment to be somewhat 'silly,' he was happy to protect a bright American woman such as Kate Hudson, and Hudson' father (also a celebrity and actor) Kurt Russell paid the vigilante $2 million for the 'bodyguard-job.'
Punisher decided to skulk around Kate's estate and remain unnoticed, so the Fabletics celebrity could go about her business without thinking all the time about the daily death-threats delivered to her by email by a mysterious fanatic calling himself/herself 'Jigsaw.' Jigsaw would send Hudson messages such as, "If you're buying groceries today, my dear, be sure to watch over your should!" Punisher followed Hudson when she went out of the estate with her usual entourage and two bodyguards (two large African-American fellows). Punisher concluded that Jigsaw must be a man with some grudge against consumerism and hence the Trump Administration.
One morning, Hudson was found missing from her estate! Someone had broken in from the skylight above her bedroom and hoisted her out like a master kidnapper. Punisher was humiliated and enraged, and the CIA informed him that he must do everything necessary to ensure her safe return. Meanwhile, Jigsaw sent a ransom note to the White House: "Deliver to me the $2 million promised to the Punisher to protect Kate Hudson or I will deliver her dead body in the Hudson River!" When Punisher read the note, he realized Jigsaw was not only on a private vendetta against the Trump administration but also on some vengeful quest to smear the Punisher.
Punisher did some detective work and discovered that a disgruntled fired employee of Fabletics named James Thomas (a man of Austrian descent) swore to avenge his humiliation. He was apparently fired by Kate Hudson herself and adopted a relentless grudge against consumerism, media, and President Trump (just as Punisher guessed!). However, what no one realized was that Jigsaw was actually James Thomas' sister Elsa Thomas who wanted to avenge her brother's humiliation at Fabletics. Elsa hated American culture and Burger King, Facebook, etc., etc. and blamed American society for electing a casino-owner as its President. Punisher continued his normal detective work and tracked Jigsaw to Ellis Island where he suspected Jigsaw would perform some outlandish PR stunt with Kate Hudson as a hostage.
When Punisher arrived on Ellis Island and sneaked his way inside the Statue of Liberty monument, he found Kate Hudson tied up (but unharmed) on one of the higher levels of the monument. She signalled to Punisher not to untie him --- apparently she was strapped to some kind of booby-trap. Punisher took his bright flashlight and began snooping around the monument in search of Jigsaw and he found Jigsaw at the top floor of the monument (at an hour when the site was closed to visitors/tourists). He was shocked to discover Jigsaw to be a woman, and Jigsaw explained she was doing this for her dishonored brother James. Punisher proceeded to try to calm Jigsaw down and convince her not to harm Kate Hudson or mar the Statue of Liberty in any way. It was a symbolic 'democracy dialogue,' which would be remembered as a criminal insanity conversation.
JIGSAW: Stay back, or I blow up this monument and all of Ellis Island!
PUNISHER: I'm sure you have a detonator in your pocket, Jigsaw...
JIGSAW: Do you know what I want?
PUNISHER: You blame 'TrumpUSA' for the humiliation of your brother James.
JIGSAW: James did not deserved to be unceremoniously dismissed by Kate Hudson.
PUNISHER: I'm sure James was a hard-worker, and perhaps Kate was side-tracked and made an error...
JIGSAW: She will be punished, as will America!
PUNISHER: Tell me what you need, Jigsaw...
JIGSAW: It's not what I *need* man, it's what I *want.*
PUNISHER: Alright, what do you *want*?
JIGSAW: I want Saturday Night Live to do weekly sarcasm skits about Trump and Fabletics...
PUNISHER: Why don't you just make artistic comedy-sketch recommendations to the SNL staff?
JIGSAW: I auditioned for SNL and was rejected, and now I want recognition for my sarcasm insights!
PUNISHER: Do you think you're some kind of Woody Allen or Andy Kaufman?
JIGSAW: My comedy is real, and Trump/Fabletics will make Americans lame.
PUNISHER: Trump is not a metaphysical lame-duck; we're all trying to negotiate 'TrumpUSA.'
JIGSAW: Give me a break! I bet you guzzle Starbucks like everyone else...
PUNISHER: I like Starbucks, and I like Facebook, and I don't think Burger King is healthy, but this is insane!
JIGSAW: I'll make you a deal, Punisher. Transport me and James to Tahiti safely, and I'll let Hudson go...
PUNISHER: I'll have a transport-helicopter here in 1 hour, and I'll be your personal 'psychologist.'
JIGSAW: Promises...
PUNISHER: I never lie about justice!
JIGSAW: Maybe I believe you, but why do you honor Fabletics?
PUNISHER: I honor the right of any American doing fair business.
JIGSAW: What if I told you Kate Hudson is a racist? Would you (or anyone) even care?
PUNISHER: You're right. People are blind-sided by 'celebrities,' but don't become a monster...
JIGSAW: My brother and I came to America in search of something fair and friendly!
PUNISHER: I'll take you to Tahiti and watch over you as I watched over Kate (you have my word)...
JIGSAW: For some reason, I believe you. Alright, I'll go with you. James and I need asylum. Thank you.
PUNISHER: Any terrorism incident with a medical outcome is symbolic of the American Dream...
====
I wonder who would like such a story more, President Trump or First Lady Melania?
I don't see anything wrong with 'pro-friendship' TrumpUSA fanfare...
====
The Punisher was given an assignment to protect American celebrity/actress Kate Hudson, co-owner of the fitness-gear company Fabletics. The Punisher had established a reputation of being America's most popular and conspicuous 'vigilante,' and the CIA informed the valiant eccentric man that if Fabletics was undermined, foreign terrorists could claim that consumerism culture under the Trump Administration was in no way 'secure.' While the Punisher found the assignment to be somewhat 'silly,' he was happy to protect a bright American woman such as Kate Hudson, and Hudson' father (also a celebrity and actor) Kurt Russell paid the vigilante $2 million for the 'bodyguard-job.'
Punisher decided to skulk around Kate's estate and remain unnoticed, so the Fabletics celebrity could go about her business without thinking all the time about the daily death-threats delivered to her by email by a mysterious fanatic calling himself/herself 'Jigsaw.' Jigsaw would send Hudson messages such as, "If you're buying groceries today, my dear, be sure to watch over your should!" Punisher followed Hudson when she went out of the estate with her usual entourage and two bodyguards (two large African-American fellows). Punisher concluded that Jigsaw must be a man with some grudge against consumerism and hence the Trump Administration.
One morning, Hudson was found missing from her estate! Someone had broken in from the skylight above her bedroom and hoisted her out like a master kidnapper. Punisher was humiliated and enraged, and the CIA informed him that he must do everything necessary to ensure her safe return. Meanwhile, Jigsaw sent a ransom note to the White House: "Deliver to me the $2 million promised to the Punisher to protect Kate Hudson or I will deliver her dead body in the Hudson River!" When Punisher read the note, he realized Jigsaw was not only on a private vendetta against the Trump administration but also on some vengeful quest to smear the Punisher.
Punisher did some detective work and discovered that a disgruntled fired employee of Fabletics named James Thomas (a man of Austrian descent) swore to avenge his humiliation. He was apparently fired by Kate Hudson herself and adopted a relentless grudge against consumerism, media, and President Trump (just as Punisher guessed!). However, what no one realized was that Jigsaw was actually James Thomas' sister Elsa Thomas who wanted to avenge her brother's humiliation at Fabletics. Elsa hated American culture and Burger King, Facebook, etc., etc. and blamed American society for electing a casino-owner as its President. Punisher continued his normal detective work and tracked Jigsaw to Ellis Island where he suspected Jigsaw would perform some outlandish PR stunt with Kate Hudson as a hostage.
When Punisher arrived on Ellis Island and sneaked his way inside the Statue of Liberty monument, he found Kate Hudson tied up (but unharmed) on one of the higher levels of the monument. She signalled to Punisher not to untie him --- apparently she was strapped to some kind of booby-trap. Punisher took his bright flashlight and began snooping around the monument in search of Jigsaw and he found Jigsaw at the top floor of the monument (at an hour when the site was closed to visitors/tourists). He was shocked to discover Jigsaw to be a woman, and Jigsaw explained she was doing this for her dishonored brother James. Punisher proceeded to try to calm Jigsaw down and convince her not to harm Kate Hudson or mar the Statue of Liberty in any way. It was a symbolic 'democracy dialogue,' which would be remembered as a criminal insanity conversation.
JIGSAW: Stay back, or I blow up this monument and all of Ellis Island!
PUNISHER: I'm sure you have a detonator in your pocket, Jigsaw...
JIGSAW: Do you know what I want?
PUNISHER: You blame 'TrumpUSA' for the humiliation of your brother James.
JIGSAW: James did not deserved to be unceremoniously dismissed by Kate Hudson.
PUNISHER: I'm sure James was a hard-worker, and perhaps Kate was side-tracked and made an error...
JIGSAW: She will be punished, as will America!
PUNISHER: Tell me what you need, Jigsaw...
JIGSAW: It's not what I *need* man, it's what I *want.*
PUNISHER: Alright, what do you *want*?
JIGSAW: I want Saturday Night Live to do weekly sarcasm skits about Trump and Fabletics...
PUNISHER: Why don't you just make artistic comedy-sketch recommendations to the SNL staff?
JIGSAW: I auditioned for SNL and was rejected, and now I want recognition for my sarcasm insights!
PUNISHER: Do you think you're some kind of Woody Allen or Andy Kaufman?
JIGSAW: My comedy is real, and Trump/Fabletics will make Americans lame.
PUNISHER: Trump is not a metaphysical lame-duck; we're all trying to negotiate 'TrumpUSA.'
JIGSAW: Give me a break! I bet you guzzle Starbucks like everyone else...
PUNISHER: I like Starbucks, and I like Facebook, and I don't think Burger King is healthy, but this is insane!
JIGSAW: I'll make you a deal, Punisher. Transport me and James to Tahiti safely, and I'll let Hudson go...
PUNISHER: I'll have a transport-helicopter here in 1 hour, and I'll be your personal 'psychologist.'
JIGSAW: Promises...
PUNISHER: I never lie about justice!
JIGSAW: Maybe I believe you, but why do you honor Fabletics?
PUNISHER: I honor the right of any American doing fair business.
JIGSAW: What if I told you Kate Hudson is a racist? Would you (or anyone) even care?
PUNISHER: You're right. People are blind-sided by 'celebrities,' but don't become a monster...
JIGSAW: My brother and I came to America in search of something fair and friendly!
PUNISHER: I'll take you to Tahiti and watch over you as I watched over Kate (you have my word)...
JIGSAW: For some reason, I believe you. Alright, I'll go with you. James and I need asylum. Thank you.
PUNISHER: Any terrorism incident with a medical outcome is symbolic of the American Dream...
====
