The Office Christmas Party - 2005

Discussion in 'Humor' started by GotZoom, Dec 5, 2005.

  1. GotZoom
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    GotZoom Senior Member

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    From: Pauline Lewis,Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 4th November 2005
    Re: Office Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

    There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Managing Director
    shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

    Merry! Christmas to you and your Family.
    Pauline



    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 5th November 2005
    RE: Holiday Party:

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, ' though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our ' Holiday Party' ... The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.

    There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family,
    Pauline.



    FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 6th November 2004
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy ! to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

    Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
    Pauline.


    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: 7th November 2005
    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

    There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take
    home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.
    To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
    Pauline.


    FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All F****** Employees
    DATE: 8 November 2005
    RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

    Vegetarian pricks. I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

    I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.
    The B***h from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: 9th November 2005
    RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
     
  2. jon_forward
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    jon_forward Active Member

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    This isnt so far-fetched. Would be funnier if it wasnt so close to being true.
     
  3. KarlMarx
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    KarlMarx Senior Member

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    I posted this someplace, but it's worth repeating...

    My Sister-In-Law works at Cornell University. According to her, all decorations must be approved by a "diversity inspector". She added that, last year, in spite of all the precautions, some people still complained!!!!!

    So.... here are my holidays wishes to the a$$wipes at Cornell who aren't happy unless they're spoiling the spirit of the holidays with their narcissistic, sanctimonious whining for everybody else.

    Have a rotten Kwanzaa and rot in diversity hell, you pile of buttf**k maggots! And while I'm at it, I hope that you are impaled up your ass on a Christmas Tree on your way to your Communist cell meeting and that you get buried at the sewage treatment plant.

    I'm sure that your mothers are just damn proud of the way you all turned out!!!!
     
  4. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    Dear Santa:

    All I want for Christmas this year is one standard brain for every member of the ACLU, along with a sphincter that can open wide enough to actually fit the brain through sideways. Uh, *wink*.
     

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