The Great State Debate

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  1. lilcountriegal
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    lilcountriegal Senior Member

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    It's a long one, but its cute. I love Maxim magazine!

    The Great State Debate

    Forget useless “quality of life” rankings and pointless “firsthand experience”—we pit the top 50 states in the country against each other in a massive battle royal to find out which one kicks the most ass.

    Maxim, May 2004

    1. BATTLE OF THE COW-TIPPING STATES

    Wisconsin Home to the Packers, the Clown Hall of Fame, and Laverne & Shirley, the Badger State’s morbidly obese residents have a level of sophistication rarely seen in the Midwest.

    vs

    Iowa Forget corn—the state has more hogs than anyplace in the Union! And not even the birth of Ashton Kutcher could desecrate the ground on which an infant John Wayne shot his first Injun.

    (Runners-up: Minnesota, Indiana, Illinois, Ohio)

    2. BATTLE OF THE STEPCHILD STATES

    Alaska America’s humongousest state is so big and desolate that every resident has about one square mile in which to forcibly cornhole caribou. It’s like prison, only colder and gamier!

    vs

    Hawaii Not only did the bombing of Pearl Harbor get us off our asses in WWII, but the state also played host to the best three-part Brady Bunch episode ever. Mele kalikimaka, bitch!

    3. BATTLE OF THE INCEST STATES

    Arkansas The motto of Johnny Cash’s birth state is “The people rule.” The result? A public school system so broke it sued the government for more money. Silly illiterate hillbillies!

    vs

    Mississippi Named after America’s de facto G.I. tract, the state’s history of poverty and social injustice gave birth to the blues. Mmm…whiskey, soul selling, and hoochie-coochie women.

    (Runners-up: Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Kentucky)

    4. BATTLE OF THE SCHIZO STATES

    North Carolina Despite all the whining done by pink-lunged troublemakers, the Tar Heel State is home to a thriving $7 billion tobacco industry. Smoke that, health freaks!

    vs

    North Dakota Aside from being the geographic center of North America (woohoo!), the state is institutionally boring: Milk is the official beverage, and English is the official language. Duh.

    5. BATTLE OF THE LEFTOVER STATES

    Rhode Island Legend has it there was this piece of land off the coast of Maine, and some visionary dudes said, “Let’s build a road to that island and make it a state.” Voilà! Rhode Island.

    vs

    Nebraska Forget hallowed football tradition and down-home appeal. The bottom line is that it’s flat, it’s boring, and the eight hours it takes to drive across it bring you that much closer to death.

    6. BATTLE OF THE EGO STATES

    New York The state has more than just the most important city in the world. For instance… OK, New York City is the only worthwhile thing. Let’s hear it for Eurotrash and coked-up bankers!

    vs

    California Hollywood suit #1: “It’s about a man who raises his daughter after his wife dies. He laughs, he cries, he learns.” Suit #2: “I love it! Let’s call it Jersey Girl!” Studio boss: “Genius!”

    7. BATTLE OF THE SUICIDE STATES

    Washington Microsoft and Starbucks maintain headquarters near Seattle, meaning the state will soon become Capital of the Universe. We welcome the yoke of our new masters’ reign!

    vs

    Oregon With no self-serve gas stations, you’d think the state would be full of go-getters. It is—as long as they’re going to get pot, environmental pamphlets, and weepy acoustic music.

    8. BATTLE OF THE MILITIA STATES

    Montana How do you get all the swishy lumberjacks to shut up about their super-exciting fly-fishing exploits? Soak them in salmon blood and push them into a grizzly bear den.

    vs

    Idaho You can’t talk about Idaho without talking about potatoes…How pathetic is that? Heart-smart fact: Disgruntled potato farmers will shoot anyone doing the Atkins diet on sight.

    9. BATTLE OF THE RUSTY STATES

    Pennsylvania Once the birthplace of our nation, most residents now die from cheesesteak-induced heart attacks. At least it thins out the ranks of chromosome-deficient Eagles fans.

    vs

    Michigan Although Michigan State, um, “University” coeds may provide great fodder for Girls Gone Wild cameras, there’s no overlooking the oozing sore of urbanity that is Detroit.

    10. BATTLE OF THE SUNSTROKE STATES

    Arizona Old as fuck, but scared of Cubans? Then retire to Arizona! It has everything a geezer could ask for: golf courses, big holes in the ground, and lots of drunk college kids to complain about.

    vs

    Nevada Nothing beats the heat like paying hookers to shovel cocaine out of each other’s asses with $5,000 casino chips. Speaking of heat, lucky residents have a guaranteed ticket straight to hell!

    (Runners-up: Utah, New Mexico)

    11. BATTLE OF THE SKI ACCIDENT STATES

    Colorado Mountains are great, but Denver is a sprawling, hideous suburb. Could it be the thin, mile-high air that causes people to live in the city? Naw—they’re just douchebags.

    vs

    Wyoming There’s nothing to do but rustle cattle and freeze to death. To represent this noble way of “life,” license plates feature Old Steamboat, a horse no man could break. The result? Glue.

    12. BATTLE OF THE DEGENERATE STATES

    Florida Now that Orlando no longer spooges out boy bands, the biggest dangers are gators, drug lords, and lightning—the state gets struck more than any other. Even God hates Florida!

    vs

    Louisiana Unless you like tainted gumbo and voodoo murders, there’s no reason to go anywhere but New Orleans, a city whose debauchery claimed the lives of three of our editors. R.I.P., boys.

    13. BATTLE OF THE SUBURB STATES

    New Jersey The good news? New Jersey is number one! The bad news? It’s number one in toxic waste dumps and population density—1,164 hairy-backed guidos per square mile.

    vs

    Connecticut Imagine Leave It to Beaver, only Beaver’s a heroin addict, Wally’s a gay hustler to cover gambling debts, Ward’s banging strippers, and June’s popping Xanax like popcorn.

    14. BATTLE OF THE ALMOST-CANADA STATES

    Vermont Here’s a little-known fact: Every single resident of Vermont—other than the occasional borderline psychotic with ill-fated presidential ambitions—is a big ol’ lesbian.

    vs

    New Hampshire The best thing about this 98.2 percent Caucasian enclave is its LIVE FREE OR DIE license plates. The most ironic thing is that the plates are made by prisoners in Concord.

    (Runners-up: Maine, Massachusetts)

    15. BATTLE OF THE BLACK LUNG STATES

    Virginia It’s the birthplace of eight presidents, yet still a backwater. At least visitors can tour colonial Williamsburg and see life the way it was in the 1700s—sans smallpox epidemic.

    vs

    West Virginia It’s located in the spooky heart of Appalachia, so you’d be hard-pressed to find a greater concentration of sparsely toothed mountain men. But why would you want to?

    16. BATTLE OF THE COWPOKE STATES

    Texas The Barry Bonds of states, Texas was its own petulant nation until it joined the union in 1845. Even then it insisted on flying its flag at the same height as Old Glory. The no-good varmints!

    vs

    Oklahoma After much exhaustive research, we found that it inspired the musical Oklahoma! It’s also home to the World Championship of Cow Chip Throwing. And those are the highlights.


    THE SEMIFINALISTS!

    HAWAII vs WISCONSIN
    The tropical paradise thinks it’s all that and a bag of poi, but a bunch of tubby hula dancers just can’t compete with divine intervention. Yes, Brett Favre’s dead father descends from heaven and guides Wisconsin to the win.

    MISSISSIPPI vs NORTH CAROLINA
    Sure, Elvis was born in Mississippi, but Elvis-killing Krispy Kreme donuts originated in North Carolina. In the end, it’s the bigot factor that decides it: N.C.’s Jesse Helms retired in 2002, while Trent Lott remains in the Senate.

    RHODE ISLAND vs NEW YORK
    Like a drunk, crotch-high midget in a bar brawl, Rhode Island puts up a good fight. Still, the wee state is simply overwhelmed, as New York City alone boasts more than 8 million people— all of them armed.

    WASHINGTON vs MONTANA
    Montana shares its moniker with a badass drug lord—eat that, mang!—but Washington is the only state named after a U.S. president. Plus, George did something Tony never did: de-nut the British empire.

    PENNSYLVANIA vs NEVADA
    Nevada’s top two industries are gambling and tourism. That’s PR speak for “strippers and hookers.” Pennsylvania, on the other hand, has a bunch of stuff that was sorta cool 200 years ago. It’s not even a fair fight.

    COLORADO vs LOUISIANA
    One has Mardi Gras, when drunk college girls bare their peach fuzz ’n’ nubs to horny middle-aged guys with camcorders. Colorado has… winter, when girls in puffy coats watch you plow into trees at highway speeds. Guess the winner!

    NEW JERSEY vs NEW HAMPSHIRE
    People have a poor opinion of Jersey: the jobless pit of misery sung about by Bruce Springsteen, the den of vice in The Sopranos, the suburban sprawl populated by fat idiots depicted in all Kevin Smith movies. In reality, it’s worse.

    VIRGINIA vs TEXAS
    This one’s all about leadership: Lyndon B. “Vietnam” Johnson and George W. “Iraq” Bush are Texans, while George “Revolutionary War” Washington and Woodrow “WWI” Wilson are Virginians. Hey, Americans like victories, fellas.


    FINAL FOUR

    WISCONSIN vs NORTH CAROLINA
    Ever seen millions of hicks try to eviscerate each other with rusty pitchforks and broken milk bottles? It’s awesome. But while hapless North Carolina lost more Confederate troops than any other Civil War state, Wisconsin boasts serial killers Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer.

    NEW YORK vs WASHINGTON
    In one corner, we’ve got Abib, the shower-optional cab driver, and Ming, the speedy delivery guy. In the other corner, we’ve got Chad, the college dropout who thinks adults “don’t get it,” and Sunshine, the pot-smoking blonde who protests braless. It’s over before the bell rings.

    NEVADA vs LOUISIANA
    They’re equally good places to spy nip, but what about getting shitfaced? In Nevada, if you lose the kids’ college fund, an ex-hooker might bring you a watery scotch. In Louisiana, you can buy a $2 vagina-shaped jug of hurricane and ge
    t lit in the gutter. U.S.A.!

    NEW HAMPSHIRE vs VIRGINIA

    Both states have long, proud, patriotic histories—and lots of annoying know-it-alls who’ll talk your ear off about it. They also both have mountains, but while New Englanders use theirs for skiing, visionary Virginians created an oasis of moonshinery and city-boy rapes.


    FINALISTS
    NEW YORK
    It’s taken stamina to get this far, and that’s a problem for chubby Wisconsinites who subsist on lard-based diets. New Yorkers, however, stay frosty by smoking ultralight cigarettes during yoga and sprinkling blow on their bagels.

    vs

    LOUISIANA
    Do we as Americans endorse public intoxication, tricked-out fan boats, and cousin-fucking? Or do we prefer powdered wigs, powder-snorting politicians, and cousin-fucking? As true patriots, we must follow our hearts.

    THE CHAMPIONSHIP
    The matchup we’ve all been waiting for: citified assholes vs. les hillbillies. in the end, Gators beat rats, Bourbon St. beats Wall St., and voodoo beats Donald Trump’s hair. Louisiana wins—now show us your tits!


    http://www.maximonline.com/the_ride/articles/article_5786.html
     
  2. dmp
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    dmp Senior Member

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    :)

    I hear Nevada has a higher per-capita suicide rate than Washington :)
     

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