The Crown Jewels: Heist!

Abishai100

VIP Member
Sep 22, 2013
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This is a society-parody inspired by the film A Fish Called Wanda.

Living under TrumpUSA should make us all a tad 'giddier' about pirates and populism, no?



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On Valentine's Day 2018, the London Times reported that the fabled Crown Jewels were stolen from the London Tower. The public was in a mode of hysteria, and everyone seemed to be speculating on who could have pulled off such a ridiculous and outlandish (and scandalous!) theft and what exactly were their motivations. An American historian suggested that this theft was more significant than, say, a robbery of the tomb of a great Egyptian Pharaoh. Meanwhile, a social critic writing for the New Yorker put forward the silly and whimsical notion that the Crown Jewels were stolen by two American celebrities(!), since celebrities crave unusual public-spectacle 'deeds.'

jewels.jpg

Well, it turns out that the New Yorker's hypothesis was correct. The culprits were indeed a celebrity-duo --- Donald Trump, Jr. (son of U.S. President Donald Trump and businessman) and Tom Cruise (Hollywood movie actor and star of culturally-symbolic films such as Born on the 4th of July and Minority Report). Trump, Jr. and Cruise tunnelled under the London Tower after disarming the computerized-alarms (with the help of an unnamed computer-hacker from MIT) and nabbed the jewels from the great tower and took off with them. They then had all the jewelry stripped and/or melted down into pure gold/silver and stored in a secret vault in a special bank in Switzerland.

"It is of great regret that we report that the Crown Jewels were reported stolen from the London Tower on Valentine's Day. We suspect that there are potentially multiple possible 'candidates' who could be the possible culprits. We've also heard reports from FBI sources in America that the culprits might be celebrities who wanted to use the stunt to defy the 'authoritarian-stance' of the international press/media. Regardless, when we discover what happened and return the splendor of these magnificent treasures to its proper 'place' (the Tower of London!), we can assure the people of England (and the general public!) that this sort of demon-worship will not be tolerated!"

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