The Campus Hook-Up Culture

Adam's Apple

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Apr 25, 2004
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Love's Dying Ritual
By William Raspberry, The Washington Post
February 14, 2005

Maybe Valentine's Day is a good time to talk about something that's been on my mind for a while: the alarming decline of courtship.

Calling it alarming, of course, places me firmly on the old-fogy side of the discussion. The youngsters I talk to at Duke University don't seem particularly alarmed, though a few will acknowledge some discomfort, some disappointment that they find themselves in a world in which boys don't come courting. They are, willy-nilly, in a hookup culture that they (the girls, at least) don't remember asking for but feel powerless to change.

What am I talking about? Listen (with her permission) to a young woman in my "Family and Community" class last fall:

"Friday night, my sorority had a function in an abandoned field, where the only activity is to get really drunk," she wrote in a paper I assigned on the decline of courtship. "I asked this older boy that I sort of knew, just because I needed a date and he was cute. Everyone was drinking so heavily that the majority of the conversations did not even make much sense.

"When the party ended, we all got on the buses (nicknamed the 'hook-up buses') to return to campus. I went back to his room 'to talk,' but obviously talking turned into making out. Later, I walked back from his dorm all the way to my dorm by myself."

Thank goodness she spared me the details of her make-out session, though she and her classmates drove home the point that "hooking up" can include anything from kissing and petting to sexual intercourse.

Several of them made it clear that alcohol consumption is a significant part of the hookup experience -- as though to give all involved a pretext for saying that what happened last night wasn't really them.

My young student said something that still has me scratching my head.

"At the end of the night, I could have batted my eyes, given him a hug, and said 'Thanks for a wonderful evening.' But in today's society, that is rude. A hug is the universal sign for 'not interested.' "

The disjuncture from courtship as earlier generations remember it is startling. For us, sex was the Super Bowl of relationships. For many of today's youngsters, it's just a pickup game. I don't envy them.

I should note that the hookup, though widespread, is by no means universal. A few students still have traditional take-her-to-dinner-or-a-movie dates. Some avoid the hookup culture, either by dint of ironclad personal values or by joining up with a subgroup of like-minded friends.

But a lot of them -- too many, by my dimming lights -- go along to get along. They are not sure who made the new rules, though they seem to believe they have something to do with gender equality. And they are not sure they like the new rules, but they like even less the prospect of being branded weird and left alone in their rooms on weekend nights.

What I have found surprising is their willingness to talk about the trend. Several young men -- after first giving an enthusiastic thumbs up -- admitted that the new culture leaves them off balance, too. Several young women said -- sadly, I thought -- that they don't really expect to find their future husbands in such encounters. They see it, they told me, as a college thing, a phase. Grad school is soon enough to start taking relationships seriously.

Still, more than a few young women see their "liberation" as tinged with awkwardness and shame.

Again, I quote from my student's paper:

"I walked home late at night by myself. He offered for me to stay at his place, but I said that I would just walk home. He responded with false concern, asking if I would be OK going back by myself. I promised him I would be fine. This dialogue is standard. The boy cannot appear too apathetic, the girl cannot act too needy and dependent. We are afraid to forfeit the independence that took so many years to acquire in return for an escort back to the dorm."

Then this:

"He and I could have a future together, but we will never know. There will never be a next date. If he were to ask me out next weekend, he would appear weak. I could not ask him out again for fear of appearing obsessed."

What a dysfunctional, ego-destructive and profoundly sad "equality" the young folk have fashioned.

Do you suppose any of them send -- or receive -- Valentine's Day cards?
 
"At the end of the night, I could have batted my eyes, given him a hug, and said 'Thanks for a wonderful evening.' But in today's society, that is rude. A hug is the universal sign for 'not interested.' "

Holy crap no wonder im striking out with women:p
 
What I have found surprising is their willingness to talk about the trend. Several young men -- after first giving an enthusiastic thumbs up -- admitted that the new culture leaves them off balance, too. Several young women said -- sadly, I thought -- that they don't really expect to find their future husbands in such encounters. They see it, they told me, as a college thing, a phase. Grad school is soon enough to start taking relationships seriously.

Still, more than a few young women see their "liberation" as tinged with awkwardness and shame.

Again, I quote from my student's paper:

"I walked home late at night by myself. He offered for me to stay at his place, but I said that I would just walk home. He responded with false concern, asking if I would be OK going back by myself. I promised him I would be fine. This dialogue is standard. The boy cannot appear too apathetic, the girl cannot act too needy and dependent. We are afraid to forfeit the independence that took so many years to acquire in return for an escort back to the dorm."

I fear for my daughter in such an environment. I can only hope that I can teach her that she has more value than this.
 
The lack of values and self-respect seems to be a big part of the problem. The driving force in a majority of these young people is their desire to be popular and part of the "in crowd". They will give up anything and everything to accomplish this. Both my daughters went to public universities, both belonged to sororities, and both told about behaviors at social activities that were a lot worse than what Raspberry has mentioned in his article.
 
Hey, now. Don't place all the blame for this on the young women. Just as the culture has told young women that its fine to trade their bodies for the attention and respect they are seeking....its told the young men that its ok to expect whatever you want from a woman without having to give anything in return. Its taught them that they have no responsibility to a woman they sleep with because a) she should be on the pill and b) if she gets pregnant, she should get an abortion...and if she doesn't want one, thats not my fault or responsibility cause I wanted her to get an abortion...and if she CHOOSES to keep the baby, then I CHOOSE not to support it, cause I chose the abortion. Its taught them that alcohol and a few of the less serious, easier to aquire drugs like pot, x, and others are a perfect excuse for doing whatever they want, and blaming it on everything but themselves.

The article focuses on the young woman who doesn't want to ask the young man for a walk back to her dorm room...but doesn't ask why the young man didn't think it was necessary to escort her back. Did his parents not teach him about respecting women? I don't find this plausible, considering that they make sure to mention that it is important to give the illusion of caring....when both parties no the guy has no intention of walking her home. Or did he just feel absolutely no need to show her any caring once the "deed had been done?"

The college scene is, for many, exactly as its described in the artice...and I, for one, wonder what kind of adults that environment is going to produce.
 
Gem said:
The article focuses on the young woman who doesn't want to ask the young man for a walk back to her dorm room...but doesn't ask why the young man didn't think it was necessary to escort her back. Did his parents not teach him about respecting women?


This attitude of college sexuality is nothing new at all.

As far as the lack of manners of the man, that is most certainly upbringing, and lack of personal responsibility, which can be laid at the feet of the parents.



A
 
Civil,

I disagree with your assessment of putting all the blame on the parents. We are not addressing the actions of one man, but a generation of young men and women that are acting and reacting in these ways. You have students in the college envrionment all parrotting the same thing (at least they were when I was there less than five years ago). Are all of us the victims of your "bad parenting???" Or perhaps, just perhaps, is the environment and the culture in which we emmerse our college students enough to overpower a parents control, especially over young people who are considered adults?
 
I agree Gem.

I think the boy didn't offer to walk her home because nowadays, in the social milieu of your typical college, doing so is considered a faux pas, quaint, and fairly ridiculous.
 
our local high school was known for its blow job parties.....the girls came up with it to avoid intercourse
 
My daughter, 23 just started dating again, after breaking up with her boyfriend of over 3 years. Last weekend she had a 'first date.' She was excited enough to come over and tell us about it, (she has an apt. at school).

She had a good time, that was great. What floored me is she said, "Mom, he PAID for everything! He held the door open at the restaurant, opened and closed the car door! That was so cool! :eek2: I guess that is now unusual?
 
Kathianne said:
My daughter, 23 just started dating again, after breaking up with her boyfriend of over 3 years. Last weekend she had a 'first date.' She was excited enough to come over and tell us about it, (she has an apt. at school).

She had a good time, that was great. What floored me is she said, "Mom, he PAID for everything! He held the door open at the restaurant, opened and closed the car door! That was so cool! :eek2: I guess that is now unusual?

Paying for everything is not unusual, opening doors etc is often found to be archaic and sexist and therefore is often avoided.
 
no1tovote4 said:
Paying for everything is not unusual, opening doors etc is often found to be archaic and sexist and therefore is often avoided.

Only by those that are 'politicized.' There is a discernible difference between a man acting with manners and one acting condescending or controlling.
 
Kathianne said:
She had a good time, that was great. What floored me is she said, "Mom, he PAID for everything! He held the door open at the restaurant, opened and closed the car door! That was so cool! :eek2: I guess that is now unusual?


Not unusual when I take a woman out. Of course, I'm an "old man" with more "old school" values.


A
 
CivilLiberty said:
Not unusual when I take a woman out. Of course, I'm an "old man" with more "old school" values.


A

And I'm sure you get second dates! :teeth:
I know my son's public jr. high teachers told the boys to hold the door for the girls and to offer to get punch for their dancing partners. Of course that was once they got the guts to dance!

Seems to me that manners would help society a lot. I know that when I'm shopping, if I see a man or woman loaded down with bags, pushing a stroller, or helping someone older, I hold the door and rush to open the second door, when applicable.
 
Kathianne said:
Only by those that are 'politicized.' There is a discernible difference between a man acting with manners and one acting condescending or controlling.


However at college age most women are politicized. Men of that age are taught, usually through negative experience, that any action which was once chivalrous is not acceptible behavior and can be construed incorrectly by many women of that age, especially those that have fallen for the regular mantra from NOW and other groups. It is safer nowadays to avoid those kind of actions until you are sure you are with a woman that will appreciate them rather than assume you are simply being condescending and immediately dismiss all polite gestures.
 
College has become the high school menatality. Remember when high school was the time you dated just to "make-out" with people with little or no committment because it was high school. Now that same mentality has moved on to college.

Maybe it was because i never went away to college or what but i never was assimilated into that culture. I commutted to college and knew enough people whose single goal on campus was to have as much sex with as many people as possible. They all graduated and moved on now. They have an empty and hurt feeling in their lives because they feel that they acted very ignorantly during those years and will never get it back now. Not to mention when these people get dieseases and such, they get a memory of a lifetime. They never forget just how stupid they really were. Yet while they are there, it seems the norm.

Definitely the whole mindset has changed. Trace it all back to this liberal counter-cultre of the 60's. Do what you want, when you want, without consequence. Those peopl are now the paretns of these people. So when a kid who may not have these beliefs goes to college, they feel peer-pressured into adopting them for fear of rejection.

I hate college to begin with. I think its an unneccassary institution that doesnt enable thought but rather breeds ignorance. This neccessity to have a piece of paper to make money is what drives people to these schools. Yet most small business owners i know never went to college and have made way more money then any college grad ive ever met. Sure they work way harder but they have the ability to stand on their own when needed. Something most of my college friends lack.
 
no1tovote4 said:
However at college age most women are politicized. Men of that age are taught, usually through negative experience, that any action which was once chivalrous is not acceptible behavior and can be construed incorrectly by many women of that age, especially those that have fallen for the regular mantra from NOW and other groups. It is safer nowadays to avoid those kind of actions until you are sure you are with a woman that will appreciate them rather than assume you are simply being condescending and immediately dismiss all polite gestures.

Ok, compared to you I'm old, sounding like CL here. My daughter is not and was raised to expect men to respect her, not care for her, in a paternalistic sense. With that said, I raised both her and her two brothers to have manners, ie. please and thank you, excuse me, may I help?, hold the door for the person following you, help someone in need...catch the drift?

Now I have heard the put downs that some women have unleashed on men for simple manners. Seems to me real 'men' would say to themselves, "What a bitch!" and move on...
 
no1tovote4 said:
However at college age most women are politicized. Men of that age are taught, usually through negative experience, that any action which was once chivalrous is not acceptible behavior and can be construed incorrectly by many women of that age, especially those that have fallen for the regular mantra from NOW and other groups. It is safer nowadays to avoid those kind of actions until you are sure you are with a woman that will appreciate them rather than assume you are simply being condescending and immediately dismiss all polite gestures.


"Nice guys finish last" has never been truer in the college realm. Nice guys dont get dates. Nice guys dont get laid. Nice guys barely get the time of day unless a girl can use him for homework or something. You have to treat a girl like trash to get anywhere with them in these environments. So i cant see how its a guys fault.

A guys ultimate goal is sex. Its our nature. We want to instinctively reproduce therefore we want sex. So if it means being chivalrous and no sex and being an asshole and having sex, most guys will be an asshole.
 

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