Terminating a toxic frienship: How?

[Baruch Menachem]

Loan them money and give them a payment schedule.



You will never see or hear from them again. Ever.

 

[uscitizen]

How can one have a toxic friendship?
Seems kinda mutually exclusive to me. Or am I just misunderstanding what friends are?

 

[Mr.Nick]

Are you implying that I mock politics???


Well...uh...okay...

Are you kid?

I'm getting really confused.


Was there a missing comma in your question, because it really would make a difference in the meaning?

No, I'm confused via your ______________....

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

How can one have a toxic friendship?
Seems kinda mutually exclusive to me. Or am I just misunderstanding what friends are?

Goofball.

Once a close friend, now the relationship has gone toxic.

 

[Zander]

My advice is to not be honest. It will end up being very uncomfortable for all parties. Tell the other person that you are going through a "personal" crisis and need lots of time alone. Be vague, but let her know that it is deeply personal and will require her to understand that you will not be available as a friend. If she pushes the issue, tell her firmly "please respect my privacy on this issue". Then cut her off completely, stop answering her calls and refuse to open the door if she comes by. Do not answer texts or e-mails. If you run into her, just tell her "I hope you're doing OK. It's me, not you." Then get on with your life. You can do this!

 

[Baruch Menachem]

Caller ID is a gift of the gds.

 

[uscitizen]

How can one have a toxic friendship?
Seems kinda mutually exclusive to me. Or am I just misunderstanding what friends are?

Goofball.

Once a close friend, now the relationship has gone toxic.

]
I guess I have chosen better friends than some then. I have never had that happen.
Aquaintences now, yes.

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

My advice is to not be honest. It will end up being very uncomfortable for all parties. Tell the other person that you are going through a "personal" crisis and need lots of time alone. Be vague, but let her know that it is deeply personal and will require her to understand that you will not be available as a friend. If she pushes the issue, tell her firmly "please respect my privacy on this issue". Then cut her off completely, stop answering her calls and refuse to open the door if she comes by. Do not answer texts or e-mails. If you run into her, just tell her "I hope you're doing OK. It's me, not you." Then get on with your life. You can do this!

Interesting input. Has appeal. Its about what is best for me, my husband and our lives, no judgements being cast.

Going to chew on this.

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

How can one have a toxic friendship?
Seems kinda mutually exclusive to me. Or am I just misunderstanding what friends are?

Goofball.

Once a close friend, now the relationship has gone toxic.

]
I guess I have chosen better friends than some then. I have never had that happen.
Aquaintences now, yes.

Yeah, this is a first for me.

 

[uscitizen]

Goofball.

Once a close friend, now the relationship has gone toxic.

]
I guess I have chosen better friends than some then. I have never had that happen.
Aquaintences now, yes.

Yeah, this is a first for me.

Good luck and positive Karma your way.

 

[Kiki Cannoli]

I agree with this as far as my world goes.

The issue she has become a barfly cheating bad mother.

OK. If you hang with her, kiki, you endorse that behavior.

Can't do that and be an honorable person. Got to get away from it.

horseshit

Although I agree that I am who I am and those who know and respect me, know I don't endorse this behaviour. However, I do feel associated and thus uncomfortable.

More importantly, I feel as if I am disrespecting my marriage and my husband. She is renting space in my head and I need to evict her.

 

[Crackerjack]

Loan them money and give them a payment schedule.



You will never see or hear from them again. Ever.

Truth.

See if you can get her to rent an apartment from you. That'll kill that friendship dead.

 

[Zander]

My advice is to not be honest. It will end up being very uncomfortable for all parties. Tell the other person that you are going through a "personal" crisis and need lots of time alone. Be vague, but let her know that it is deeply personal and will require her to understand that you will not be available as a friend. If she pushes the issue, tell her firmly "please respect my privacy on this issue". Then cut her off completely, stop answering her calls and refuse to open the door if she comes by. Do not answer texts or e-mails. If you run into her, just tell her "I hope you're doing OK. It's me, not you." Then get on with your life. You can do this!

Interesting input. Has appeal. Its about what is best for me, my husband and our lives, no judgements being cast.

Going to chew on this.

Exactly. Life is too short to deal with toxic relationships. Telling the truth sounds good in books and on TV, but in real life, a small lie works better and nobody gets hurt. PM me if you want to share specifics.....I can give you some ideas.....

 

[AquaAthena]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

Just say it all, as it will be your last contact (hopefully)

Write it down, read it over and make sure its what YOU need to say in parting.

Exactly, how I would do it. I did, in fact, do it, through a letter. I miss her so much though and it has now been two years. I have recently thought I would go see her on Sunday, and just limit our times together. She is a beautiful person, though, unlike the one you speak of KiKi.

We ( I ) had to break it off because of politics....DAMN!!! We will just get back together on a limited basis and NEVER discuss politics. That will be hard, since she and I are each, such political junkies...But life is too short, to still love someone this long, and live within 3 miles from her. It is a gift when you find the perfect personality match for you and you each break one another up with your senses of humor.

 

[Si modo]

Examine the possible approaches and the consequences:

1. You have a conference with her and tell her exactly why you want no further contact. That can't be too pleasant an experience for her, nor for you. That's a lose-lose situation. Yuck.

2. You do nothing and keep contact with her. Not a great situation for you because you find her toxic, but for her, it's cool. That's a lose-win situation (lose for you).

3. Do something mean to piss her off so that she decides to shitcan you. Lose-lose again. You lose doing something uncomfortable for you and she loses by getting mad at you.

4. Just stop contact with her. Accept no phone calls, or just get off of them quickly with no promise to call back. Don't respond to emails. Etc. Lose for her. Lose for you, but not as bad as the other options.

And, going back to #1, although you are being honest with her, it will be hurtful to her. The last option will be hurtful to her as well, but I can't imagine it will be as bad as #1.

The rest of the fallout from others, if they actually bring it up, assure them the issue is between you and the other person and has nothing to do with them (unless they are scum, then just dismiss them).

Good luck.

 

[Not2BSubjugated]

My advice: bypass awkwardness with overt hostility and intimidation.

Check this out. First you call this ex friend up and suggest that the two of you head out for a night on the town. If she's a barfly this method will work like a CHARM! Come up with some story about something you wanna go out and celebrate so that the bartender won't know anything's up when you discreetly tell him what you're celebrating, and that your barfly friend dragged you out to get you drunk. Tell the tender that you're a lightweight but you don't want to be mean, so when you order your shots of (insert either tequilla or whiskey here, something brown that he can fake with watered down cola), go ahead and give her the real thing but fake yours. You'd be surprised how easily the average bartender will agree to this sort of shit as long as the tips keep flowing.

Okay, so you're getting her hammered and you're staying sober. Once she's got a nice buzz going, start bringing up random uncomfortable topics that might create friction in the conversation. Then as soon as that drunken barfly says something even REMOTELY disrespectful. . . BOTTLE ACTION! I'd suggest a green bottled beer, Becks and Heineken both make a pretty sturdy beer vessel. Whatever brand you choose, though, the whole trick is sudden shock and awe. When she f's up and speaks wrong, the -FIRST- indicator that reveals your negative reaction to her statement absolutely has to be the first impact of glass and skull. If you don't televise your intent before striking, the rest is gravy. The first shot'll ring her bell, by the second or third she'll be out of her bar stool and well beyond any inclination of self defense. . . probably. But in a bar fight that's never a wise chance to take. So once she hits the ground, switch from bottle to feet. Don't stomp on her head much, you're not looking to do brain damage, but also don't stop until you're certain that her proverbial balls have been adequately broken.

After that it's all very simple. There's no pent up shit you're afraid to tell her and she's afraid to ask about because of the natural aversion to social awkwardness. You see her in public and it's as simple as, "What the f*ck are you looking at, b*tch!?" She'll avert her gaze, and VOILA! No weirdness!

And hey. . . .

You're welcome

 

[Not2BSubjugated]

One of these days that's going into a book I'm gonna write on manners and social etiquette. It will be hailed as one of the greatest works of written word ever to emerge from an English speaking society. Religious fundamentalists from all corners of the globe will compare it favorably with their holy books.

 

[Sarah G]

Let's preface, very small community, neighbors, same social circle - but I need to draw some firm boundaries and remove this source of angst and bad vibes. She is sucking all my chi.

Any guidance? I've never had to 'breakup' with a friend.

I know the feeling. I actually have a cousin that I needed to unfriend. I stopped taking her calls and when I saw her, I just said I had been busy. She finally just stopped trying to contact me.

I also lost my chi whenever I felt bad about trying to ditch a family member and just picked up the phone. Complaints about life, illness, our less than picture perfect childhood.. I just could not continue.

 

[Peach]

Hire a hitman.

No, call an ambulance if someone has ingested, or been exposed to, toxic substances. If the individual is not not truly poisoned, be very busy, reveal a BAD stomach virus you KNOW is contagious, discuss it with the friend briefly, then quit taking calls.

(I do not know how to simulate what is going on next door to my house right now; three police cars, lights flashing, and an ambulance.)

If the individual comes to the door, suddenly say, "I've got to get the bathroom!", simulate the sound of retching, do not return to the door. Take no more calls from the person and sound sick if caught by the former friend.

 

[Sarah G]

Loan them money and give them a payment schedule.



You will never see or hear from them again. Ever.

This is a great suggestion. Even if they see you, they will avoid you.