This thread is a place for all and sundry to share some of the more bizarre, scary but mainly irresponsible tales that have remained with them from since they should've known better. To protect identities, you may invoke the 'a friend of a friend excuse'. Right, I'll start. Location: British Army Bootcamp, north of England. Date: Behave! During basic training, the drill instructors would go to great efforts to keep us on our toes. When I say keep us on our toes, I don't mean anything that would have any bearing on our service in the field. No, these 'exercises' came in the form of some of the most creative, yet humiliating practical jokes and wind-ups. One such wind-up occurred during an abnormally hot summer. As new recruits we were forbidden from drinking alcohol or from leaving the base. Finding ourselves in such circumstances, we took the opportunity we could to do what any normal young man would do as regularly as possible, we wanked/rubbed ourselves dizzy. The NCO's soon picked up on their sections bouts of 'fist of fury', and did what any normal adult would do under the circumstances, play a practical joke on their horny charges. One particularly cunning Sgt took us all into his confidence by telling us that when he was stationed overseas with limited options, he'd replicate a vagina with what he had to hand by filling an orange with toothpaste; after which, he and all his mates soon had minty fresh cocks and pips under their foreskins (urban legend? Who knows...). Some of us prided ourselves by taking his advice with a pinch of salt and said we'd sleep on it, but there was particularly naive recruit called Clive Sharpe, who was unaccustomed to the savage humour of the British Army. The following day we were in our barracks cleaning our kit and smoking whilst another recruit was recounting the advice we'd been offered the day earlier. Whilst he was about to tell us the bit about "how it's meant to feel just like a vagina", Clive walks in and hears the familiar info and and cuts in by proudly exclaiming: "Ha, it fucking doesn't". But before he could finish our commanding officer strides in with the most phenomenal, unintentional comedy timing and bellows at the top of his voice: "I don't know who's responsible, but some daft ****'s tried to flush an orange down the toilet!" Some of us were actually sick from laughing. Over to you, America.