Sub-Zero: An Eco-Cynic's Ritual

Abishai100

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Sep 22, 2013
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It was 40 degrees Fahrenheit in May in New Jersey this year, which is the usual temperature we see in the Garden State in the month of November! It reached 70 degrees last November, which is the usual temperature we see in the Garden State in the month of May!

Global warming/climate change has affected my idealism regarding Earth homeostasis, the Gaia Hypothesis, and naturalism in general, so here's a short-story I cooked up (in the tradition of Mars Attacks!) to make myself feel better.

I plan to meditate on this 'tale' every Earth Day.

What do you think? I want to share it with the First Lady (Melania Trump) and hopefully convince her to pursue environmentalism-consciousness (which our President does not seem at all interested in doing!).



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An alien visited from a distant galaxy and Earthlings were shocked to discover he was made entirely of ice! The alien introduced himself: "My name is Sub-Zero, and I have a calculating mind even though I appear hollow and like an 'ice-man.' American kids fell in love with Sub-Zero and compared him to the Marvel Comics superhero Iceman. Sub-Zero exhibited the power to mold and shape ice into anything he wished and could even heal himself instantaneously by creating replicant ice-crystals to replace any pieces/shards broken off by calamity, trauma, collision, or accident.

Sub-Zero soon became a prominent diplomat of eco-consciousness and was even employed the eco-activism organization The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation, which was invested in environment-preservation measures in Antarctica, the Amazon, and Australia. Sub-Zero and Leo became fast-friends, and the American movie star told Sub-Zero of a film he made about finding alienation and isolationism on an idyllic isolated island off the coast of Thailand. Sub-Zero was very impressed and told Leo, "You must be very happy that human film-makers wanted to sculpt an imagination 'fable' on a paradise-like island," but the movie star somberly replied, "I only wish the success of the film would inspire greater eco-activism on Earth!"

President Trump commissioned Sub-Zero to work on the incredible Ice Hotel in Sweden. Soon, humanity embraced Sub-Zero for his wonderful trumpeting of environmentalism consciousness and eco-activism geared new age politics under the otherwise (arguably) 'consumerism-biased' and 'capitalism-subjective' TrumpUSA. It was then that Sub-Zero unleashed his real evil and revealed his plan to turn Earth into a giant ice-ball so his fellow aliens from his planet could colonize it and turn it into a giant frozen amusement park for slavery, cannibalism, and ice-skating. When Leo (Sub-Zero's biggest fan) turned to the alien and asked him with inquiring eyes, "Why did you betray humanity?", the alien replied coldly, "Evolution implies terrorism!"

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Chapter 2: The Decoys



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When Sub-Zero returned to his planet to discuss his plans for Earth-realm conquest, his alien brethren told him they generated two humanoid clones to mimic in appearance the two American 'celebrities' Grayson Allen (championship-winning guard for the Duke University men's college basketball team) and Kate Hudson (popular Hollywood film actress and manager of the Fabletics fitness-gear-and-lifestyle company)! The two aliens (Ermac and Tanya) were to kidnap Allen and Hudson and 'replace' them, tricking humanity into thinking that two humans were elected as Earthling 'diplomats' to facilitate environmentalism-activism politics for the sake of good faith and mercy. This plan was a major move in a new initiative to mandate eco-consciousness through martial force across the known universe.

Sub-Zero liked the plan but wondered if humanity would believe that Ermac and Tanya resembled in personality Allen and Hudson as well as appearance. Sub-Zero knew from his contact with humans that Earth was inhabited by a species far different from his own and was concerned that Ermac and Tanya would not be able to mimic Allen and Hudson with sufficient credulity. Nevertheless, as Sub-Zero's species took over Earth, Ermac and Tanya were accepted as human 'diplomats' by the surviving humans who were enslaved by Sub-Zero. The plan was working, and Earth was officially a 'bio-dome' for Sub-Zero, Ermac, Tanya, and their peers. One human survivor, however (Leo DiCaprio), suspected that Allen and Hudson were not human and began to plot a rebellion (but secretly continued to admire Sub-Zero's strange and relentless focus on environmentalism-related gambling)!

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GRAYSON ALLEN and KATE HUDSON:

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ERMAC and TANYA:

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