Stuff You Said And Wished You Hadn't

[Bonnie]

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I Turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts . As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. So, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, " Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have a change of clothes for him." Then I said, "Danny are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "NO," he replied. I just KNEW he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM,IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

What are some of yours???

 

[dilloduck]

What are some of yours???

can't think of any cause I'm too busy laughing at yours----------ooooooops there's one right there !!

 

[Johnney]

I do

 

[Bonnie]

I do

Hey

 

[Annie]

I do

Damn, you stole my line!

 

[Bonnie]

My parents threw a housewarming party some years back, and distant relatives came, you know the ones you hardly ever see except at funerals and weddings. Well my 2nd cousin Linda came so when my mom greeted her at the door she said "oh congratulations when are you due?"
To which my cousin Linda replied..."IM NOT"

Gee how do you put that one back in the bottle???

 

[Dan]

One of my mom's friends had some sort of brain surgery. A few days after she got out, my parents went to see her. She was complaining about her insurance or the bills or something like that. My Dad replied "you need like that like you need a hole in the head." Luckily, she's a really good-hearted person, so she just laughed about it. He was embarassed, though.

 

[pegwinn]

One of my mom's friends had some sort of brain surgery. A few days after she got out, my parents went to see her. She was complaining about her insurance or the bills or something like that. My Dad replied "you need like that like you need a hole in the head." Luckily, she's a really good-hearted person, so she just laughed about it. He was embarassed, though.

Speaking of someone talking out of turn. Before the PC craze swept the country I was the new Sergeant assigned to the I&I Staff in OKC. Sitting in the office the Master Sergeant called me over and pointed out his window. "Look Sergeant Gwinn," he said, "That is my kind of woman. Girls with one kid puts out. Girls with two kids put out regularly. This girl has two kids and is knocked up. She must be wild." I left the office then meaning to return real quick.

Just as he took a long drink of coffee, I introduced him to my very pregnant wife and two kids. He sputtered half to death, and could not look me in the eye for the rest of the time we worked together.

 

[no1tovote4]

I was about four or five years old and my mother was taking me to the regular place to get my hair cut. Well as we walked in there was this guy in the chair that maybe had five hairs on his head getting a haircut.

Suddenly I was on the floor. My mother's hand had come from Kansas to visit my face in order to cut off the sound coming from my mouth which was:

"Mommy! Why is that bald guy getting a haircut?!"

 

[Shattered]

Hmm..

"I hate you. I wish I'd never met you."

..said to one specific individual almost a year ago.

Still wish I could take it back, but it's out there. Oh well.

 

[dilloduck]

I knew a receptionist who nervous about getting married the following week---she accidently answered the phone and said " Thank you for helping, can I hold you? "

 

[Joz]

Mom told the story of standing in line at a busy grocery store, only to have me ( about 4) come running up to her carrying a large box of a feminine hygiene product shouting "Do you need these for your hiney?"

 

[fuzzykitten99]

when i was younger, i remember my cousins would often make this strange mixture of a drink that contained grape koolaid and orange juice, and some other stuff. it actually tasted good, though the color was actually a purple-ish grey. they had a name for it (can't remember it though)...i do remember my uncle saying "Hey can I have some of that concoction?"...so I asked too, only I said "Can I have a concussion too?"

Then there's my husband...it's actually not something he said, but rather what he did. His first car was an 83 Olds station wagon. It was actually in very nice shape, and it ran great. One day, back in about 96 or 97, the starter went out so he went and put a new one in. Well, he went to start the car, and it was having trouble turning over. This was upsetting him (understandable). But when he pulled the key out, it KEPT ON trying to start! This was SO freaky!. So he put the key back in, fidgeted around with it, and he got it to stop trying to turn over. But he still couldn't get it to start. He couldn't figure out what was going on, and he had spent a few hours fixing the original problem. When he tried to start the car again, and it wouldn't, he got so pissed, he threw the keys in the driver seat, got out, took his shoe off and threw it at the car. Yes, just like Jim Carrey did to the Plane in Liar Liar. So every time that scene comes up while watching the movie, I look right at him and he tells me to f-off. Funny thing is, after he did that, the car started right up. He found out later that he had flipped the connections around, so the metal was arc-ing, and shorted out the new starter.

 

[Joz]

... he got so pissed, he threw the keys in the driver seat, got out, took his shoe off and threw it at the car.....

When people do this kind of stuff, it's hysterical. You don't really expect someone to actuallydo it. There's a scene in the English show,Fawlty Towers, where Cleese gets out of his car & starts spanking it with a switch. Too funny!

 

[dmp]

Stuff You Said And Wished You Hadn't

...yeah Honey, I really DO want to see the baby come out!

 

[Annie]

...yeah Honey, I really DO want to see the baby come out!

You were not alone:

Classic Dave Barry

http://samantha.bertier.net/scruffy/fatherFacesLife.html

 

[5stringJeff]

"If I was gonna marry someone for their big breasts, I certainly wouldn't have married you."

Had to explain that one really quick.

 

[Said1]

Had to explain that one really quick.

Well??

 

[Joz]

"If I was gonna marry someone for their big breasts, I certainly wouldn't have married you."

Had to explain that one really quick.

I'm waiting too, along with Said1.

 

[Bonnie]

...yeah Honey, I really DO want to see the baby come out!

Uh Oh that bad huh?