Sports Funnies from Tom FitzGerald

Discussion in 'Sports' started by Adam's Apple, Mar 26, 2005.

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    Commentary from Tom FitzGerald, San Francisco Chronicle

    During the Bay Hill Invitational, NBC's Dan Hicks said Ernie Els had endured the misfortune of being forced to sit in a middle seat in coach class on a flight to play in Dubai. "What a guy!" Phil Mushnick of the New York Post said. "Of course, many others on that flight had to endure the same -- and weren't given a $200,000 appearance fee upon landing."

    Tampa Bay Devil Rays GM Chuck LaMar said, "The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest is wins and losses at the major-league level." Personally, we rank the Rays as absolutely tops in the all-important categories of grooming, posture and personal hygiene.

    "I spent an hour reading last night, and nearly got through the entire title," sid Greg Cote of The Miami Herald on Marlins Manager Jack McKeon's new book, I'm Just Getting Started: Baseball's Best Storyteller on Old School Baseball, Defying the Odds, and Good Cigars.

    "It was very generous of Mark McGwire to offer his services as anti-steroids spokesman," comic Dan St. Paul said. "While we're at it, let's make Rick Majerus head of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and put Keith Richards in charge of 'Just Say No!' "

    U.S. Rep. William Lacy Clay, D-Mo., contends that McGwire's name should be removed from a 5-mile stretch of highway in Missouri. "Or, considering how much smaller McGwire is since his playing days," Dave Thomas of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram said, "downsize the honor to a cul-de-sac."

    Headline from SportsPickle.com: "Guy who paid $3 million for McGwire's 70th home run ball experiencing a bad case of buyer's remorse."

    "I don't want to say McGwire isn't being honest," Jim Armstrong of the Denver Post said, "but now he claims to have picked Bucknell over Kansas."

    Barry Bonds' alleged mistress claims he knowingly used steroids, according to her grand jury testimony. "The slugger insists he didn't put any foreign substances in his body," Comedian Argus Hamilton said. "Everything he takes is made right here in the good old U.S.A."

    "The media wasn't the first group that heard Barry Bonds threaten retirement," reader Jim Greene said. "Apparently, after his latest knee surgery, Barry was so frustrated that he became the first patient in medical history to tell his doctors that he may never walk again."

    "I don't want to say the mystique is gone," syndicated columnist Norman Chad said, "but Jack Nicholson skipped a Lakers game last week to watch an Emilio Estevez film festival on Bravo."

    Peter Schmuck of the Baltimore Sun, on NBA teams wearing vintage uniforms: "The NHL is planning a similar leaguewide 'Turn Back the Clock' promotion next year. To commemorate the 2004-05 season, each team will spend one night playing in street clothes."
     

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