Shrinkage- From abused to amused? A peek into psychology..

[xotoxi]

I am a doctor...not a therapist, counselor, or someone who pretends to know the answer to relationships, nor am I a woman who has been in repeated abusive and failed relationships...but I see this a lot - a woman who continuously ends up in emotionally or physically abusive relationships.

And the question that always comes into my mind is: why continue trying?

If a woman continues trying to establish a relationship and continues to find a pattern of abuse, then she should come to the conclusion that there is some sort of flaw in her ability to choose a partner. What exactly that is...I don't know? A psychologist might get into issues from childhood (which could be the problem) but I don't understand that concept enough to deal with it.

So, my thought is always: why don't you just forget about a partner? Why not focus on your children...your family...your friends? If you search for a partner, there is a chance it will end up the same.

But I never ask these questions...

 

[strollingbones]

you are 32....and you need to be more broody hen than struttin hen. there is no man shortage...everytime i hear that i have to laugh. there are plenty of men out there...and they are looking too.

red flags: he is cheap...on anything...a man doesnt have to be rich but he does have to be monied.

he talks about his ex's.

he talks about his interests only, he interrupts you, he doesnt open the door for you, look for the little things they will tell you a lot about a man..does he wear a lot of bling? is he showy?

when he sees you enter the room...does he smile..just to you?

now face it..women today kinda suck from the male point of view?

ask yourself...who are you a catch too? do you cook? i dont mean hamburger helper? do you need a lot of bling?

you have a child..that is a whole lot of baggage for some men...for others its not.

where to meet men? i met my hubby of 28 years in a bar. you just never know...do ya?

 

[JW Frogen]

you are 32....and you need to be more broody hen than struttin hen. there is no man shortage...everytime i hear that i have to laugh. there are plenty of men out there...and they are looking too.

red flags: he is cheap...on anything...a man doesnt have to be rich but he does have to be monied.

he talks about his ex's.

he talks about his interests only, he interrupts you, he doesnt open the door for you, look for the little things they will tell you a lot about a man..does he wear a lot of bling? is he showy?

when he sees you enter the room...does he smile..just to you?

now face it..women today kinda suck from the male point of view?

ask yourself...who are you a catch too? do you cook? i dont mean hamburger helper? do you need a lot of bling?

you have a child..that is a whole lot of baggage for some men...for others its not.

where to meet men? i met my hubby of 28 years in a bar. you just never know...do ya?

Bartender, I will have what she is having.

 

[JW Frogen]

I am a doctor...But I never ask these questions...

You are a doctor, just do your job, no questions and give me my drugs.

 

[JD_2B]

First, stop looking completely. Until you are happy with yourself you will never be happy with someone else. Focus only on your son and yourself. Nothing good will come if you keep seeking out someone to make you "complete" because that will never happen. People do not complete each other, nor do people make each other happy, they compliment each other.

Second, find things that make you happy which require no one else (except maybe your son). If you cannot find at least one thing that makes you happy without needing someone else there, then you need serious counseling.

A warning before you act on ADVICE from Kittenkodder, she hates sex and isn't real fond of men either. Well to be factual, she doesn't like people much at all.

LOL! I noticed that she did not answer any of my actual questions, hahaha.. I don't understand why she feels that going to therapy somehow makes a person "unhappy" or "unhappy with themselves" or not having a laundry list of hobbies and achievements under their belt, even..
Very bizarre that she jumped to that conclusion, over a post concerning trust, lol

Thx Gunny! =)

 

[KittenKoder]

First, stop looking completely. Until you are happy with yourself you will never be happy with someone else. Focus only on your son and yourself. Nothing good will come if you keep seeking out someone to make you "complete" because that will never happen. People do not complete each other, nor do people make each other happy, they compliment each other.

Second, find things that make you happy which require no one else (except maybe your son). If you cannot find at least one thing that makes you happy without needing someone else there, then you need serious counseling.

A warning before you act on ADVICE from Kittenkodder, she hates sex and isn't real fond of men either. Well to be factual, she doesn't like people much at all.

LOL! I noticed that she did not answer any of my actual questions, hahaha.. I don't understand why she feels that going to therapy somehow makes a person "unhappy" or "unhappy with themselves" or not having a laundry list of hobbies and achievements under their belt, even..
Very bizarre that she jumped to that conclusion, over a post concerning trust, lol

Thx Gunny! =)

Wow ... I did answer your question. Love isn't something that you find, it finds you when you are not seeking it. Also, why waste your time seeking acknowledgment of your worth from someone else? The only logical answer is to "stop looking".

 

[AllieBaba]

Single parents, particularly single mothers with depressed boys, should concentrate on their boys, period. This continual searching for a "man" to bring into the home puts your boy at risk, for one thing, particularly if you are unable to distinguish the good from the bad, and it's sending the message to him that he isn't the most important person in your life.

The stats bear out that women who remove themselves from the dating scene and raise boys alone, with no outside distractions or interference, have a MUCH better chance of raising kids that are well adjusted and prepared for life on their own.

All your doing by entering into serial relationships is setting a bad example for your kid, while at the same time sending the message loud and clear that you don't care enough about him to spend time with him.

 

[JD_2B]

....
Where should I go? (not bars- I learned that those are a bad choice) ....

Go places you want to go and do things that you want to do. Other persons will be around and you'll meet them.

.... How should I dress? (I am a C/D cup- is showing a little cleavage okay, or does that convey that I am willing to let him open the bedroom doors too quickly?) ....

Dress in what makes you happy/confident/feel pretty when you look in the mirror.

Smile naturally - the way you usually do.

Whatever piques your interest in another romantically for whatever reason.

If he does anything that turns you off - violates your standards of character.

Follow your gut feel. Sometimes we can't put our fingure on it but intuition is strong and rarely wrong.

Looking at you? I haven't a clue. But as long as he speaks to you with respect - not marginalizing you, not demeaning you, etc. - and is gracious and gentile, that's good.

Act naturally, as you would normally - don't pose. You can't be a poser as someone else; you have to be genuine.

.... Should talking about sex be off limits in the first week or two? Or how long, anyways?

The 90-day rule- that is important, waiting 90 days for sex, to be treated well, right?....

Have sex when you want to have sex. Having it before is selling yourself out and waiting when you want to have sex because of some inflexible abstract rule will send confusing messages to him.

.... I did read Steve Harvey's "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man"- and it did help somewhat. I am now looking for more details, though.. What do you think of all this?

Thanks for your responses.. I will surely appreciate them.. =)

Never heard of that book.

But I hope you notice a recurring theme - YOU. You will not find anyone good for you if you can't be happy with what you see in the mirror - both physically and mentally. Persons are attracted to others who show self-confidence AND are genuine. Pay attention to yourself, be yourself.

Just my advice and worth what you just paid for it - nothing.

Excellent advice!! Thank you very much.. Thats basically what I have been doing all this time. I met a hottie at the beach on Saturday- buff and cut, above average face- and I figured out that he is a dog, so had to toss that fish back, lol..
I love the way I look, overall- I have my insecurities, but doesn't everyone? I also appreciate the keen enlightenment people keep feeding me about "not being able to be happy with others until I am happy with myself", but this has nothing to do with how happy I am with ME. I have always been very good at pressing charges, and filing for injunctions- I am GREAT at ending shitty relationships- I just really suck at finding men that I can be in an actual HEALTHY relationship with, and am hoping to see if the answers I get from you guys give me a sense of raised awareness of an overall picture..

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders- Can you describe an (average or above average) emotionally healthy gentleman to me? Thanks again..

 

[AllieBaba]

Obviously it's more important to you to find a babe than it is to take care of your own.

Good luck with that. Hope your kid makes it.

 

[JD_2B]

Single parents, particularly single mothers with depressed boys, should concentrate on their boys, period. This continual searching for a "man" to bring into the home puts your boy at risk, for one thing, particularly if you are unable to distinguish the good from the bad, and it's sending the message to him that he isn't the most important person in your life.

The stats bear out that women who remove themselves from the dating scene and raise boys alone, with no outside distractions or interference, have a MUCH better chance of raising kids that are well adjusted and prepared for life on their own.

All your doing by entering into serial relationships is setting a bad example for your kid, while at the same time sending the message loud and clear that you don't care enough about him to spend time with him.

Who said anything about me being in a "series of relationships" or constantly "searching for men"?? I went two- no, three years being single before my last relationship, and have been single now for 10 months, with five, count them, five dates that were all very discreet. And screw you for saying I am sending some kind of message to my kid that he is not the most important person in my life. Everyone who sees him and knows him thinks of him as the same type of person as I am, an intellectual, happy, considerate, and HIGHLY independent child! (Except I am a woman, lol)

Honey- My kid's dad died a couple of years ago, after I remarried. There are other things that may be going on, too- like his dad possibly having bipolar disorder or some other mood disorder that was undiagnosed and untreated. I don't need some lame-o jerk like you coming down on me about the way I raise my kid or do my dating.. I am asking for TIPS on FINDING a healthy man, and telling me I am a lousy mom is NOT helping. So why dont you go take a long walk off a short bridge, or at least THINK before you bust on someone next time, please.. I shouldnt be having to justify my parental abilities to anyone, especially in a thread that I have PUBLICLY ADMITTED to being abused in, and also PUBLICLY ADMITTED to highly personal health info, such as my own trust issues and making an appt to see a shrink. Damn!

 

[JD_2B]

Obviously it's more important to you to find a babe than it is to take care of your own.

Good luck with that. Hope your kid makes it.

Troll!! Wow- seems like we can tell now who the abuser of this thread is going to be..




Oh, and GO ME for trusting my GUT on that in the first place, dummy!!!

<the crowd goes wild>

 

[AllieBaba]

Well whatever you do continue to send the message that it's more important to you to find a man than it is to focus on his issues. And you're the one who said his problems likely stem from your inability to choose wisely.

 

[AllieBaba]

Obviously it's more important to you to find a babe than it is to take care of your own.

Good luck with that. Hope your kid makes it.

Troll!! Wow- seems like we can tell now who the abuser of this thread is going to be..




Oh, and GO ME for trusting my GUT on that in the first place, dummy!!!

<the crowd goes wild>

I think it's pretty apparent you're a nutcase. And one with a victim mentality, no less.
<the crowd goes wild>

What a dufus.

Yay ME for being able to spot one a mile away.

 

[JD_2B]

I am beginning a family counseling program for my son and I, to help us deal with certain issues we both have as a result of my poor choices in men, primarily.

Generally speaking, being abused gave me trust issues, and my son now seems down in the dumps more and more of the time. His grades are not going up, and I am having a hard time feeling like I can actually have a successful and healthy relationship, and sometimes I feel like I am being too sensitive about things, not with friends- just with new men that I do not find desirable in an emotional way, after a few days or weeks. I know that I am making healthy choices when it comes to "tossing the fish back", lol- but the nagging feeling I keep getting is that some of the mean things these jerks say might be true. Thus, I am going to a shrink to figure out how to spot the jerks before they say these things, and also how to verbalize my disdain towards them, without setting them off. I think that I sometimes act a little too scared when I express myself about certain things- and it may be coming off as needy or clingy- neither of which I am.

In fact, I find it amusing now, that I can actually meet a jerk, and within a week, figure out that he is a jerk, and just be done with it- and not end up in a relationship. It is quite amusing! I laugh with my friends all the time now, about all the crazy shit some of these freaks present me with..

Have you, or anyone you have known, ever been to a post-domestic violence therapy, to kind of regroup, and reorganize your feelings- and maybe try to help to compartmentalize some of the stuff you went through? If so, how was it? What did you learn? If you do not have an experience like this- therapy- but you have some tips on how to act on a first, second, third date, etc.. I am open to suggestions. I am 32 years old, but I feel like a 12 year old when it comes to finding a good healthy man. I really just don't know the first thing as to how to go about doing this.

Where should I go? (not bars- I learned that those are a bad choice)

How should I dress? (I am a C/D cup- is showing a little cleavage okay, or does that convey that I am willing to let him open the bedroom doors too quickly?)

Smile big, little, etc?

What do I look for, appearance- wise?

How will I know right away if he is a "shady character" that should be avoided?

Are there any ways that a man might look at you, or things he might say, that should cause me to want to haul ass?

Are there any ways that he might look at you, or talk to you, that would let you know he is a gent?

How would a normal woman react to a guy asking her out? Giggle like mad, and just say OK, for lack of words, or play it cool, and pitch an idea?

Should talking about sex be off limits in the first week or two? Or how long, anyways?

The 90-day rule- that is important, waiting 90 days for sex, to be treated well, right?

I did read Steve Harvey's "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man"- and it did help somewhat. I am now looking for more details, though.. What do you think of all this?

Thanks for your responses.. I will surely appreciate them.. =)

No offense, but your pretty out there at the moment.

I would equate your situation to an addict whos just starting NA/AA. The general rule of thumb is "No dating for a year, at least". You should consider that, I think you need the time.

I have spent years single and in between relationships, and still found myself with an abuser in the next one. Wanting a healthy man is not out there- its healthy and natural to want an adult companion to love and be loved by..

But your equation is almost correct- except that its not an addiction- more likely a flaw in the way I was raised- my mindset stems from a father who was a board certified trial lawyer, and a happy alcoholic, who was never drunk- but always had a beer in his hand.. Seeing that growing up made me think that substance abuse is a normal part of family life, which explains much of my prior abuse. That does not equate to an addiction, though it is a good enough analogy. =) I have, this year, lol, realized this was the root of it- and have read several good books on what to look for in a BAD man. I have had the beginning of a healthy relationship (this year- it was my FIRST!! GO ME!!) that I only ended aqfter a few months because I have these funky trust issues that I am going to a shrink to work on now. I did not want to wreck the relationship and asked the guy if he would like to put off dating for a while, so that I can get all my thoughts and feelings about men straightened out.
I am doing swimmingly well, this year, and am very proud of all of the major changes I have made in the way I date men.. I know exactly what to look for, to avoid the bad ones now.
I just need a little more help on focusing on looking at the good qualities in a healthy man, so that I can take this to a new level. Can you please answer some of the original questions I asked? Thanks so much for your input.. =)

 

[JD_2B]

Obviously it's more important to you to find a babe than it is to take care of your own.

Good luck with that. Hope your kid makes it.

Troll!! Wow- seems like we can tell now who the abuser of this thread is going to be..




Oh, and GO ME for trusting my GUT on that in the first place, dummy!!!

<the crowd goes wild>

I think it's pretty apparent you're a nutcase. And one with a victim mentality, no less.
<the crowd goes wild>

What a dufus.

Yay ME for being able to spot one a mile away.

Welcome to my ignore list.. I do not accept any abuse, either verbal or physical. You are the weakest link.. Buh bye now.. Get a life and go blow off some steam somewhere else, troll!

 

[AllieBaba]

Again, why don't you just focus on your kid? Why the desperate attitude about finding a man? Particualrly since you choose abusive one? You're just showing your willingness to subject your child to the risks inherent with your deplorable lack of judgment.

And it's obvious from your posts here where your focus is...it's on you, you, and all t hose guys out there. Not on your kid. I can see no concern for him whatsoever.

Grow the fuck up.

And the fact you come to a new message board and immediately start sharing this crap looking for pats on the back and support in your quest to find a non-abusive man after admitting you couldn't find one if your life defended on it, and your child's grades and psyche is suffering because of it, shows you are one nut short of a brownie.

 

[AllieBaba]

Troll!! Wow- seems like we can tell now who the abuser of this thread is going to be..




Oh, and GO ME for trusting my GUT on that in the first place, dummy!!!

<the crowd goes wild>

I think it's pretty apparent you're a nutcase. And one with a victim mentality, no less.
<the crowd goes wild>

What a dufus.

Yay ME for being able to spot one a mile away.

Welcome to my ignore list.. I do not accept any abuse, either verbal or physical. You are the weakest link.. Buh bye now.. Get a life and go blow off some steam somewhere else, troll!

No, like other "ignore" fanatics, you just don't want to hear the truth.

Good luck. You won't last long.

 

[JD_2B]

Well whatever you do continue to send the message that it's more important to you to find a man than it is to focus on his issues. And you're the one who said his problems likely stem from your inability to choose wisely.

No I did not, and you are a fucking lying, insecure sack of brown smelly stuff for even saying that.. Where is the ignore button on this thing??? LOL!! WOW.. Is there a red target on my forehead, or something? You clearly get off on blaming women for getting hit, dont you. Well that is very nice.. Now why don't you go check back in to your local head shop and smoke another bong, sweetheart. You are HIGH.

 

[AllieBaba]

You fucking retard. I am a woman, and my kids' dad broke my foot, my face, and blacked my 3 y.o. daughter's eye.

Focus on your kids, bitch.

 

[JD_2B]

Again, why don't you just focus on your kid? Why the desperate attitude about finding a man? Particualrly since you choose abusive one? You're just showing your willingness to subject your child to the risks inherent with your deplorable lack of judgment.

And it's obvious from your posts here where your focus is...it's on you, you, and all t hose guys out there. Not on your kid. I can see no concern for him whatsoever.

Grow the fuck up.

And the fact you come to a new message board and immediately start sharing this crap looking for pats on the back and support in your quest to find a non-abusive man after admitting you couldn't find one if your life defended on it, and your child's grades and psyche is suffering because of it, shows you are one nut short of a brownie.

Oh, fuck off, bitch