Should my daughter visit her mom who is in jail? Is there a benefit to visits over phone calls?

[Gracie]

What her crime is, is none of our business. If he wants to stand by her, then good for him. He isn't asking advice about his marriage. He is asking if, in OUR opinion, would it be feasible or ok to the psych of his daughter that is 15 years old to see her mother in that situation. In short...he is torn. So he wants other opinions. I gave him mine. You guys gave yours. Knock off the berating the mother of the whys and wherefores. That is not the topic.

 

[Gracie]

isn't a body cavity a full search where you take off all your clothes? I find that hard to believe they would that to visitors and if that is the case. I am not going.

A full body cavity search is stripping nude, you bending over and coughing to see if anything is in your anal cavity and if they are real asshole guards, inserting their finger up there to make double sure. With women, it is TWO cavities that are searched. But that depends on the kind of visit, the convict, the visitor, the crime in question. I doubt that would happen, but if you asked ahead of time..they might do it because you made them suspicious. If you don't ask, you have to take your chances. If they say they want to do that once you get there...you can always decline and they will show you the door without the visit.

 

[Judicial review]

Your wife has no integrity. Ditch the bitch.

 

[Gracie]

astr591, sorry I said no more pms on the thread. I just don't much like private conversations with people I don't know. If you hang around, then I am open to making new online usmb acquaintances but with newbs such as yourself...I am hesitant. Hope you understand.

 

[astr591]

have not taken my daughter yet but they have talked on the phone but I plan to do so

One thing I heard is she might see jail as all right or "cool" because her mom seems to be getting through it fine. Is this true likely?

 

[emilynghiem]

have not taken my daughter yet but they have talked on the phone but I plan to do so

One thing I heard is she might see jail as all right or "cool" because her mom seems to be getting through it fine. Is this true likely?

? If for whatever reason someone "overcompensates" by trying to go too far,
that sound like covering up and not really coping. If you don't put up a front,
or project judgment, then she won't feel the need to hide and pretend in front of you.

if that happens, let her finish the process of thinking it through.
if she doesn't feel safe and is hiding, let her open up on her own timing. Don't push
or pressure her to feel she needs to act a certain way for your sake.

Normally the grief process
can involve numbness denial and depression
before suddenly hitting a wall of anger,
and then working through all the mixed emotions to resolve them and come to peace.

Don't be afraid if there is denial and numbness, that is often a natural stage.
The person has to feel safe first, before they can openly grieve and express upset or anger.

There is no need to overdo it and "pretend everything is okay" because that can make it worse.
Better to let emotions go with the flow. If there is a struggle, let it happen and pass, just like a bad storm.

Respect their process, and it will flow much smoother.
Don't worry. No matter what stages occur, nobody stays stuck someplace that isn't real or it isn't sustainable.
the dam has to break, and the tears or anger has to flow out if there is distress in the system.

let it happen, as it happens,
just let your daughter know there may be days she thought she was fine, but one thoughtless insensitive remark by someone at school, and she may suddenly blow up for no reason with very little provocation.

the less "pressure to pretend that it's normal" the more your daughter will trust she can feel and say exactly what she is going through, without weird expectations from others including you she won't have to put on an act for.

If you want, you can look up the stages of grief and healing counseling,
so you can see the stages and what to expect and how to manage when that happens.

here are some examples, but people can go through phases in any order, or skip some:
The Seven Stages Of Grief
7 STAGES OF GRIEF
Grief.com Because LOVE Never Dies The Five Stages of Grief - Grief.com - Because LOVE Never Dies
Grief Depression Coping With Denial Loss Anger and More
5 STAGES OF EVERYDAY GRIEF on MADATOMS Comedy for People who have internet Funny Videos Articles Infographics Films and Series

the MAIN thing is not to be afraid, and be willing to accept and forgive any changes,
whatever weird reactions or phases this may involve, any ups or downs or unexpected disruptions.

go with the flow and
you will grow from the experience, have greater respect and appreciation for each other!

take care!
hugs and happiness to you!

 

[eots]

was hoping there might be some Law enforcement people here

I am considering letting my 15 year old daughter visit my wife who is in jail for seven months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. My daughter seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how "now her mother is the one being ordered around". I have no problem with that really as it is probably better to joke a bit instead of being hysterical.

One thing I am wondering is what are the things they should talk about. I hear that all conversations in jail are recorded? Would it be better to stick to casual things ?


also my daughter will no doubt want to ask my wife questions about what it is like inside there. Is this a good idea? Out of curiosity if you were to ask an inmate questions about what it is like in jail, what would you ask them? Is it even a good idea to let her visit?

of course you should

 

[eots]

have not taken my daughter yet but they have talked on the phone but I plan to do so

One thing I heard is she might see jail as all right or "cool" because her mom seems to be getting through it fine. Is this true likely?

No.,.anyone can see incarceration sucks

 

[eots]

 

[emilynghiem]

Your wife has no integrity. Ditch the bitch.

Now Judicial review
whatever happened to for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health?

If the spiritual partnership is solid, if these two are equally and spiritual yoked,
they can work through this as another trial or tribulation to grow from.

If the couple is not meant to be yoked, but are meant to be with other partners
sure, it is wrongful to be together if they don't have that type of relationship -- it is
similar to adultery or fornication if you are really someone else's spiritual wife or husband.

But it would be because they AREN'T spiritual partners for each other.

But just because someone violates a law and has to serve a sentence or restitution
is not necessarily grounds for divorce, which depends solely on whether the partners are spiritually yoked as one.

If they are partners, nothing of MAN is supposed to lay that ASUNDER what God has joined.

And if they are NOT partners, then no amount of anything justifies them being together
if they are supposed to be with other partners who ARE their respective soul mates.

 

[emilynghiem]

isn't a body cavity a full search where you take off all your clothes? I find that hard to believe they would that to visitors and if that is the case. I am not going.

Hey astr591 if you have no idea what the system or place is like and what are the procedures,
well no wonder you are worried or anxious what this could involve.

Why not go check out the place, and talk to the officials and scope it out first, yourself?
Once you feel confident, then you can decide whether to let your daughter go by herself
or only go in with you, which I would recommend for the first few visits.

Talk with your daughter and get her feedback. If she says she doesn't want to go without you,
well, there's your answer. if you and she find out after a few visits it's no big deal, let her tell you.
If she's not sure, then keep it open.

Why not explore this together? And keep an open dialogue with your daughter how she feels about it.
let her tell you what she likes or can't stand, and you share just as honestly. And you'll figure it out together.

 

[HUGGY]

What her crime is, is none of our business. If he wants to stand by her, then good for him. He isn't asking advice about his marriage. He is asking if, in OUR opinion, would it be feasible or ok to the psych of his daughter that is 15 years old to see her mother in that situation. In short...he is torn. So he wants other opinions. I gave him mine. You guys gave yours. Knock off the berating the mother of the whys and wherefores. That is not the topic.

Nonsense!

The nature of the crime or crimes is ABSOLUTELY germane to this discussion.

I can think of many crimes that would make it a very bad idea for visitation.

The child may have issues regarding loyalty to a parent that is incarcerated but one of life's important lessons is to find out when to "cut the rope". That saying comes from rock climbers, of which I am. who upon extreme circumstances must let another climber fall to their own death and not take others on the mountainside down with them. For instance the best climber, usually "the lead" might fall and break his back or even a serious leg fracture on a shear vertical say a thousand feet up. This can put the whole climb team at certain risk attempting to save this unsaveable climber. It may just be that to save the lives of the remaining climbers in this horrible circumstance it must be decided to sever the line holding the dangling climber. Sometimes this decision may come from the injured climber himself if he is still conscience. As hard as this could be it is the right thing to do to allow those able to survive to do so.

Asking the child to make these kinds of choices can be wrong in it's self. Allowing a bad person, the one that is incarcerated, to help in these decisions might be the worst one offering input.

Someone HAS to be the adult. If everyone involved is making these decisions based on emotion the best choice will most certainly NOT be arrived at.

 

[Book of Jeremiah]

huggy has strong opinions and he is right in many ways esp the last part

I also have experience. Jail is no joke. One can get caught up in someone else's BS in a heartbeat. Fellow inmates are ALWAYS on the prowl to get close to unsuspecting newbies and make up shit to get their own sentence reduced.

This fellow is getting ahead of himself IMO putting the cart before the horse in putting this stupid woman's mistake behind them. This doesn't have to destroy the family. It certainly could. 6 month's is NOTHING. It will go by in a blink. I would let mommy dearest settle in with the jail routine for a while before visiting her at all. Then maybe let the kid visit her once or twice but seriously..why put the kid through the demeaning way that she will be treated when she gets to the institution? She will be searched and treated somewhat like SHE is a criminal just to have some cheezy telephone visit where she will see her mom treated like crap by disinterested jail guards. All in all if Mom really cares about her kid's sensibilities she should just call home collect once a week and have THAT be the communication. Seeing her mother in the jail Orange jumpsuit will be very depressing.

I find that to be excellent advice, Huggy. I agree with you. If I were the mother I would not want my child to visit me in jail during a 7 month sentence for a crime I am guilty of committing. Absolutely not. It is not an environment for any 15 yr. old girl to see in my opinion. (other than as a deterrent to never going there)

What concerns me is that is sounds as if the mother isn't taking this seriously. She's joking about it? Seriously? It sounds to me that the mother is selfish and is mainly interested in what her needs are. Not her child's. As for counseling - I believe they have Christian church services in jail and bible studies. I would strongly suggest she attend both. Psychology is for the birds. She needs a Bible and plenty of time to read it. End of story.

 

[Book of Jeremiah]

What her crime is, is none of our business. If he wants to stand by her, then good for him. He isn't asking advice about his marriage. He is asking if, in OUR opinion, would it be feasible or ok to the psych of his daughter that is 15 years old to see her mother in that situation. In short...he is torn. So he wants other opinions. I gave him mine. You guys gave yours. Knock off the berating the mother of the whys and wherefores. That is not the topic.

Nonsense!

The nature of the crime or crimes is ABSOLUTELY germane to this discussion.

I can think of many crimes that would make it a very bad idea for visitation.

The child may have issues regarding loyalty to a parent that is incarcerated but one of life's important lessons is to find out when to "cut the rope". That saying comes from rock climbers, of which I am. who upon extreme circumstances must let another climber fall to their own death and not take others on the mountainside down with them. For instance the best climber, usually "the lead" might fall and break his back or even a serious leg fracture on a shear vertical say a thousand feet up. This can put the whole climb team at certain risk attempting to save this unsaveable climber. It may just be that to save the lives of the remaining climbers in this horrible circumstance it must be decided to sever the line holding the dangling climber. Sometimes this decision may come from the injured climber himself if he is still conscience. As hard as this could be it is the right thing to do to allow those able to survive to do so.

Asking the child to make these kinds of choices can be wrong in it's self. Allowing a bad person, the one that is incarcerated, to help in these decisions might be the worst one offering input.

Someone HAS to be the adult. If everyone involved is making these decisions based on emotion the best choice will most certainly NOT be arrived at.

You have a lot of wisdom, Huggy. This is an excellent response.

 

[percysunshine]

was hoping there might be some Law enforcement people here

I am considering letting my 15 year old daughter visit my wife who is in jail for seven months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions. And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. I told my kids she is rightfully serving her punishment which is the right thing for her mistakes. I am wondering what is the best way to prepare for this situation and how to handle it. My daughter seems to be handling it fine. I told her right away about it and she reacted pretty calmly. She later joked about how "now her mother is the one being ordered around". I have no problem with that really as it is probably better to joke a bit instead of being hysterical.

One thing I am wondering is what are the things they should talk about. I hear that all conversations in jail are recorded? Would it be better to stick to casual things ?


also my daughter will no doubt want to ask my wife questions about what it is like inside there. Is this a good idea? Out of curiosity if you were to ask an inmate questions about what it is like in jail, what would you ask them? Is it even a good idea to let her visit?

This looks like a concocted story. Sure, it can possibly happen as described, but I doubt it happened with the poster as a participant.

In my opinion anyway.

.

.