Short and sweet

[Colin]

You may be a Jehova's Witness if...

......you realise things are getting worse, and you're thrilled.

 

[Foxfyre]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all Engineers

A wife asks her engineer husband, "Could you please go shopping for
me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

 

[Colin]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their lifestyles...

The first guy says " I´m a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist

The second guy says " I´m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I´m a R.U.B, you know...Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to the woman and ask her, "How about you?"

She replies: " I´m a WIFE, you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"

 

[Colin]

Renault and Ford are working together on an exciting new project to create
the first car specifically designed for women. They will be combining the best
of Renault's Clio with Ford's Taurus. The name of the hybrid vehicle is thus likely
to be Clitaurus. It will only be produced in pink and the average male car thief
won't be able to find it, let alone turn it on.

 

[Colin]

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night, waiting for her
date and she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally
farts loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the restaurant
heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop that!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Certainly madam, which way was it headed?"

 

[Colin]

They were on their Honeymoon and the guy spent most of the first afternoon
munching her muff. They went to an Italian Restaurant for dinner and he found a
black hair in his spaghetti. He went apeshit and gave the waiter a real bollocking
and asked to see the Manager. The waiter went for the boss and she smirked and said.
"You weren't too concerned about having hair in your mouth earlier on"
Her hubby replied. " I would have been, if I'd found a fuckin' piece of spaghetti in there."

 

[Colin]

Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the breasts and ass of an 18 year old'
Husband says 'What about your 40 year old twat?'
Wife says ' He didn't mention you'

 

[Colin]

They do say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But if you happen to have a muslim doctor a bacon sandwich works a treat!

 

[Colin]

What's the difference between an epileptic corn husker and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The husker shucks between fits.

 

[Colin]

Hi. I'm unable to answer my mobile phone at the moment, but if you leave a message The News of The World will email it to me later.

 

[Colin]

My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian warrior on his back. Half way through
he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".

The tattooist said "Give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban."

 

[Colin]

Bloke sat in his armchair shouts to his wife "When I die I'm leaving everything to you love"

She shouts back "You already do you lazy bastard !!!"

 

[Colin]

What's the difference between a golf ball and the G spot?

A man will spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball!

 

[Colin]

Guy rushes into doctor's office yelling, "Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm a moth!"
Doctor says, "You need a psychiatrist not a doctor."
"I know", says the guy, "I was on my way to see one, but as I passed I saw your light on."

 

[Colin]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want
to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 

[Colin]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Wite Out. I woke this morning with a huge correction.

 

[Colin]

It really is apparent that women are much more forward these days.
Yesterday a female friend of mine asked me what my ringtone was.
I said, "light brown like everyone else's."

 

[Colin]

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

[Colin]

Wife by text to husband at work :- "Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"


Husband :- "Spray some de-icer, if that doesn’t work pour on hot water!"


Wife a few minutes later :- "Done that, now computer won't work at all”.

 

[mudwhistle]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JidfV5xvdjY&feature=related]Exploring your masculinity - from In & Out - YouTube[/ame]