>> WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to put to rest a mystery that has long bedeviled the nation, Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd, revealed on Monday that it is actually his voice that appears on the notorious “Access Hollywood” tape. Speaking to reporters, Dowd said that the so-called locker-room talk attributed to Trump had actually been carefully crafted by the former reality-show host’s legal team and then read aloud by Dowd himself. ... Dowd went on to say that other actions attributed to Trump since he took office, including alienating NATO allies, stating that an imaginary armada was steaming toward North Korea, and naming Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director, were all actually done by Dowd. “Let’s be clear,” Dowd said. “Since Donald Trump was elected President, he has done nothing.” << I knew it. Rump was just lip-synching to a pre-recorded audio tape like they used to do on American Bandstand.