Religious Humor

[Sky Dancer]

I thought we could use some lightening up. Here's a cute one:

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

 

[Sky Dancer]

What's your religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

 

[Sky Dancer]

Why are there no good Buddhist blues guitarists?
They have no soul.

 

[Madeline]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

 

[Sky Dancer]

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

 

[Sky Dancer]

Catholics are against abortions.
Catholics are against homosexuals.
But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! -- George Carlin

 

[uscitizen]

But we atheists get all the christian holidays off too.

Christian humor? I chuckle everytime I hear a preacher say "seed".
And think of PT Barnum.

 

[hortysir]

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They keep falling through the holes in His hands



(I'm going to Hell, ain't I?)

 

[hortysir]

 

[Sky Dancer]

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.

 

[uscitizen]

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
They keep falling through the holes in His hands



(I'm going to Hell, ain't I?)

You moving in with Limbaugh?

 

[Woyzeck]

"I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if He could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze Him that much." - Bill Hicks

 

[Sky Dancer]

An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

 

[Sky Dancer]

How many Scientologists does it take to change a light bulb?


Seven. 1 to hold the light bulb in place, 6 to turn the universe around.

 

[del]

what do you get if you cross a unitarian and a jehovah's witness?

someone who goes door to door with nothing to say

 

[uscitizen]

Baptists ban sex in a standing position to make sure the parties are not dancing.

 

[Sky Dancer]

A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter.
As they went from cloud to cloud they came to various doors which
St. Peter would open. One showed a large group rolling on the floor
and talking in tongues. "Our Pentecostals" he said..

Next was a serious ritual. "Our Jewish persuasion" he replied.

Then another ritualistic service. "Our Catholics".

At the next cloud, he didn't open the door but instead put his
forefinger to his lips in the hush motion and they both tip toed
past.. Once past, the man asked what that was all about !?

"Those are the Baptists", he explained. "They think they are the
only one's here".

 

[Sky Dancer]

Once there was a Buddhist monk who was an expert on the Diamond Sutra, and as books were very valuable in his day, he carried the only copy in his part of the world on his back. He was widely sought after for his readings and insight into the Diamond Sutra, and very successful at propounding its profundities to not only monks and masters but to the lay people as well.

Thus the people of that region came to know of the Diamond Sutra, and as the monk was traveling on a mountain road, he came upon an old woman selling tea and cakes. The hungry monk would have loved to refresh himself, but alas, he had no money. He told the old woman, "I have upon my back a treasure beyond knowing -- the Diamond Sutra. If you will give me some tea and cakes, I will tell you of this great treasure of knowledge."

The old woman knew something of the Diamond Sutra herself, and proposed her own bargain. She said, "Oh learned monk, if you will answer a simple question, I will give you tea and cakes." To this the monk readily agreed. The woman then said, "When you eat these cakes, are you eating with the mind of the past, the mind of the present or the mind of the future?"

No answer occurred to the monk, so he took the pack from his back and got out the text of the Diamond Sutra, hoping he could find the answer. As he studied and pondered, the day grew late and the old woman packed up her things to go home for the day.

"You are a foolish monk indeed," said the old woman as she left the hungry monk in his quandary. "You eat the tea and cakes with your mouth."

 

[del]

jesus came upon a group of people who were about to stone a woman to death for adultery. he delivered a long sermon about forgiveness and loving one's neighbor, and a large crowd had gathered by the end of it. jesus exhorted the crowd by shouting, "let whoever is without sin cast the first stone."

a hush fell over the crowd, and jesus felt that they had heard his message.

suddenly, from the back of the crowd, a stone came sailing at the woman, hit her right between the eyes, and she collapsed to the ground-dead as a doornail.

jesus looked in the direction from which the stone had come, shook his head and said, "y'know, mom, sometimes you really piss me off."