Read Quickly: Last Year's Darwin Awards

The 2008 Darwin Awards.
>
> Eighth Place
> In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
> after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
> his car keys.
>
> Seventh Place
> A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran,'
> accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
>
> Sixth Place
> While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
> from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it
> collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
> their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
> took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.
> Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
>
> Fifth Place
> Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
> bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long
> flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into
> the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
>
> Fourth Place
> Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
> said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
> and pull the trigger.
>
> Third Place
> After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
> a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.
> The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
> counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up,
> and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk
> promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and
> fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime
> scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The
> subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified
> rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
>
> HONOURABLE MENTION
> Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
> A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
> what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.
>
> RUNNER UP
> Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
> they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
> of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped
> along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
> the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,
> who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
> lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham'sleg and
> then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the
> cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously
> survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby
> fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
>
> AND THE WINNER IS...
> Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
> elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
> figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
> Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
> ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The
> sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt
> to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued
> to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

Get your nominees in for the 2009 Awards.