Portable Bloomberg: The Wit and Wisdom of Michael Bloomberg

JimBowie1958

Old Fogey
Sep 25, 2011
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This collection of quotes was presented as a gag gift to Michael Bloomberg, affectionately, by his staff and coworkers.

Michael Bloomberg's employees created a book purportedly full of his offensive quotes. Here it is.

The booklet — "The Portable Bloomberg: The Wit and Wisdom of Michael Bloomberg" — was crafted by Bloomberg LP employees looking to roast their boss by compiling his allegedly most crude, sexist, and seemingly off-color quips over the years. It was presented to him as a gift for his 48th birthday, on Valentine's Day 1990.

Insider recently obtained a copy of the booklet, and is publishing it below. The Washington Post first published the document on Saturday morning, as part of a larger package about Bloomberg's behavior toward women. The paper's story builds upon Business Insider's original investigation, in November 2019, into a number of lawsuits filed by former Bloomberg employees.

The booklet first turned up nearly two decades ago, when Bloomberg ran for mayor of New York City.
The journalist Michael Wolff disclosed the existence of "The Portable Bloomberg" in September 2001, in the middle of Bloomberg's first campaign for mayor of New York City. It was a "smoking gun of sorts: an actual example of literal hard-ass words," Wolff wrote in New York magazine, which extracted some of the book's more salacious epigrams.

Wolff verified the book's contents by contacting a former Bloomberg executive named Elisabeth DeMarse (an editor's note introducing the book is signed "E. DeM."), who told him that Bloomberg was touched by the gift. Her introductory note made clear: "Yes, these are all actual quotes. No, nothing has been embellished or exaggerated. And yes, some things were too outrageous to include."...

DeMarse said Bloomberg was quite proud of the book at the time. "He loves things that are about himself," she told Wolff. "He saw this as a tribute, a testimonial — which it was. He wanted everyone to get a copy." When reached for comment, DeMarse said she had nothing to add to what she told Wolff in 2001.

Wolff revealed a smattering of some of Bloomberg's purported remarks quoted in the booklet. For example, there's Bloomberg's purported quote about how a competitor is a "cokehead, womanizing, fag" on page 14, and "if Jesus was a Jew, why does he have a Puerto Rican first name?" on page 24.

"If women wanted to be appreciated for their brains," goes another purported Bloomberg quote on page 27, "they'd go to the library instead of to Bloomingdale's." On the same page: "I know for a fact that any self-respecting woman who walks past a construction site and doesn't get a whistle will turn around and walk past again and again until she does get one."

A Bloomberg spokesperson described the booklet to the New York Post in 2001 as a "gag book," that included "comments that may or may not have been said."

Select quotes purportedly from Bloomberg and referenced in "The Portable Bloomberg"
On liberals: "The only liberal I trust is a rich old liberal. Why? Because they're old enough to understand what they're saying, and they're rich enough to pay for what they say!" (Page 31)

On computers: "You know why computers will never take the place of people? Because a computer would say that the sex of the person giving you a blow job doesn't matter!" (Page 18)

On the Bloomberg terminal: "It will do everything, including give you a blowjob. I guess that puts a lot of you girls out of business." (Page 18)

On marriage: "Sex with someone you love... is sex with someone you love. The plusses are you don't have to buy dinner and the only thing you catch with callouses," and "Whenever my wife catches me eyeing some broad, she's very careful to turn to me and say, 'That's the most expensive piece of ass in the world!'" (Page 29)

On capitalism: "I believe in the capitalist system and free enterprise. The only exception is 8th Avenue, where people pay for what they could get for free." (Page 16)

On being told "no": "Let me tell you something, buddy boy, I have pictures of you and they're not with your wife."(Page 10)

On restaurants: "There are three types of favorite restaurants: Where would you go if you had to eat there forever — I'd say '21'. Then, where would you go for your last meal — Le Cygne. Then, there's where you would take your wife for your last meal — McDonald's." (Page 30)

On salesmanship: "Make the customer think he's getting laid when he's getting fucked." (Page 7)

You can read the "The Portable Bloomberg" by scrolling down, in the embed below, or via DocumentCloud.​
 
The Portable Bloomberg

This book is dedicated to: the President of BLOOMBERG Financial Markets, The Greatest Company in the World

Editor's Note: Yes, these are all actual quotes. No, nothing has been embellished or exaggerated. And yes, some things were too outrageous to include. When I joined BLOOMBERG Financial Markets, I wondered if I had inadvertantly joined a religious sect, such was the dedication of the employees to its founder, and their enthusiasm for the company. Today, I'm a convert. And when we rent Madison Square Garden for mass nuptials, I'll be there. The contributors and I hope this collection reflects the myriad ( a favorite Mike word) aspects of MRB. E.DeM. 2 /14190

PROFILE: Birth: Valentine's Day, 1942, Medford, Massachusetts
Education: B.S., Physics, Johns Hopkins University; M.B.A., Harvard Business School
Favorite Color: Amber Favorite Restaurant: "21 *'
Favorite Drink: Wild Turkey
Favorite Song: "My Way"
Favorite Food: Popcorn
Favorite Comic Strip: The Wizard of Id
Middle Name: Rambunctious
Affiliations: Harmonie Club; Century Club; Harvard Club; Board of Directors, Johns Hopkins, The Jewish Museum
First Career: Salomon Brothers --Equity Block Trader, Partner Systems Development
Second Career: Fearless Leader, BLOOMBERG Financial Markets Fantasy
Third Career: Own/Run an Airline

ON SALESMANSfIIP: "Make the customer think he's getting laid when he's getting fucked."
"A good salesperson asks for the order. It's like the guy who goes into a bar, and walks up to every gorgeous girl there, and says 'Do you want to fuck?' He gets turned down a lot --but he gets fucked a lot, too!
"By definition, a salesperson thinks tomorrow's always going to be better. It's the only way they can take the continuing rejection."
ON THE BLOOMBERG SALESFORCE: 11l'm always amazed by our salespeople's acumen. Many times I'm with a salesman in a presentation and he or she will show a capability I never knew existed."
ON EMPLOYEE MOTIVATION: "How do you motivate someone? Simple. Are they addicted to three meals a day?"

ON NEGOTIATIONS: "What do I want? I want an exclusive, 10-year contract, an automatic extension, and I want you to pay me. And I want a blow job from Jane Fonda. Have you seen Jane Fonda lately? Not bad for fifty."
"It is axiomatic that you will deliver a system to the successor of the person who ordered it.
!Keep your legs closed."
"Always pick a fight with someone smaller than you."
"As Chuck Colsen put it: if you have them by their balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
"Don't get even --get revenge."

ON COMPUTERS: "You know why computers will never take the place of people? Because a computer would say that the sex of the person giving you a blow job doesn't matter!" ON THE BLOOMBERG: "It will do everything, including give you a blowjob. I guess that puts a lot of you girls out of business."

ON WOMEN: "If women wanted to be appreciated for their brains, they'd go to the library instead of to Bloomingdale's.
''I only look. I just like to look."
I know for a fact that any self-respecting woman who walks past a construction site doesn't get a whistle will turn around and walk past again and again until she does get one."

"The only liberal I trust is a rich old liberal. Why? Because they're old enough to understand what they're saying, and · they're rich enough to pay for what they say!"
 
https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2020/politics/michael-bloomberg-women/

Several lawsuits have been filed over the years alleging that women were discriminated against at Bloomberg’s business-information company, including a case brought by a federal agency and one filed by a former employee, who blamed Bloomberg for creating a culture of sexual harassment and degradation.

The most high-profile case was from a former saleswoman. She sued Bloomberg personally as well as his company, alleging workplace discrimination. She alleged Bloomberg told her to “kill it” when he learned she was pregnant. Bloomberg has denied her allegation under oath, and he reached a confidential settlement with the saleswoman.

The Washington Post interviewed a former Bloomberg employee, David Zielenziger, who said he witnessed the conversation with the saleswoman. Zielenziger, who said he had not previously spoken publicly about the matter, said Bloomberg’s behavior toward the woman was “outrageous. I understood why she took offense.”
But in today's Democratic Party, a few billion USD will buy your silence and cooperation.
 
I have noticed that Bernies followers seem to be the only leftists that care.
They rest don't care about what the candidates policies are. They will make excuse for racist remarks. They don't care about stupid things the democratic candidates say. They will make excuses for everything they claim to hate about Trump. None of it matters to them.
The only thing most of them care about is if the candidate can defeat Trump.
 
This collection of quotes was presented as a gag gift to Michael Bloomberg, affectionately, by his staff and coworkers.

Michael Bloomberg's employees created a book purportedly full of his offensive quotes. Here it is.

The booklet — "The Portable Bloomberg: The Wit and Wisdom of Michael Bloomberg" — was crafted by Bloomberg LP employees looking to roast their boss by compiling his allegedly most crude, sexist, and seemingly off-color quips over the years. It was presented to him as a gift for his 48th birthday, on Valentine's Day 1990.

Insider recently obtained a copy of the booklet, and is publishing it below. The Washington Post first published the document on Saturday morning, as part of a larger package about Bloomberg's behavior toward women. The paper's story builds upon Business Insider's original investigation, in November 2019, into a number of lawsuits filed by former Bloomberg employees.

The booklet first turned up nearly two decades ago, when Bloomberg ran for mayor of New York City.
The journalist Michael Wolff disclosed the existence of "The Portable Bloomberg" in September 2001, in the middle of Bloomberg's first campaign for mayor of New York City. It was a "smoking gun of sorts: an actual example of literal hard-ass words," Wolff wrote in New York magazine, which extracted some of the book's more salacious epigrams.

Wolff verified the book's contents by contacting a former Bloomberg executive named Elisabeth DeMarse (an editor's note introducing the book is signed "E. DeM."), who told him that Bloomberg was touched by the gift. Her introductory note made clear: "Yes, these are all actual quotes. No, nothing has been embellished or exaggerated. And yes, some things were too outrageous to include."...

DeMarse said Bloomberg was quite proud of the book at the time. "He loves things that are about himself," she told Wolff. "He saw this as a tribute, a testimonial — which it was. He wanted everyone to get a copy." When reached for comment, DeMarse said she had nothing to add to what she told Wolff in 2001.

Wolff revealed a smattering of some of Bloomberg's purported remarks quoted in the booklet. For example, there's Bloomberg's purported quote about how a competitor is a "cokehead, womanizing, fag" on page 14, and "if Jesus was a Jew, why does he have a Puerto Rican first name?" on page 24.

"If women wanted to be appreciated for their brains," goes another purported Bloomberg quote on page 27, "they'd go to the library instead of to Bloomingdale's." On the same page: "I know for a fact that any self-respecting woman who walks past a construction site and doesn't get a whistle will turn around and walk past again and again until she does get one."

A Bloomberg spokesperson described the booklet to the New York Post in 2001 as a "gag book," that included "comments that may or may not have been said."

Select quotes purportedly from Bloomberg and referenced in "The Portable Bloomberg"
On liberals: "The only liberal I trust is a rich old liberal. Why? Because they're old enough to understand what they're saying, and they're rich enough to pay for what they say!" (Page 31)

On computers: "You know why computers will never take the place of people? Because a computer would say that the sex of the person giving you a blow job doesn't matter!" (Page 18)

On the Bloomberg terminal: "It will do everything, including give you a blowjob. I guess that puts a lot of you girls out of business." (Page 18)

On marriage: "Sex with someone you love... is sex with someone you love. The plusses are you don't have to buy dinner and the only thing you catch with callouses," and "Whenever my wife catches me eyeing some broad, she's very careful to turn to me and say, 'That's the most expensive piece of ass in the world!'" (Page 29)

On capitalism: "I believe in the capitalist system and free enterprise. The only exception is 8th Avenue, where people pay for what they could get for free." (Page 16)

On being told "no": "Let me tell you something, buddy boy, I have pictures of you and they're not with your wife."(Page 10)

On restaurants: "There are three types of favorite restaurants: Where would you go if you had to eat there forever — I'd say '21'. Then, where would you go for your last meal — Le Cygne. Then, there's where you would take your wife for your last meal — McDonald's." (Page 30)

On salesmanship: "Make the customer think he's getting laid when he's getting fucked." (Page 7)

You can read the "The Portable Bloomberg" by scrolling down, in the embed below, or via DocumentCloud.​

But, but, but....Trump once talked about gold diggers at parties wanting rich men to grab their pu$$ies!
 
I have noticed that Bernies followers seem to be the only leftists that care.
They rest don't care about what the candidates policies are. They will make excuse for racist remarks. They don't care about stupid things the democratic candidates say. They will make excuses for everything they claim to hate about Trump. None of it matters to them.
The only thing most of them care about is if the candidate can defeat Trump.
I think it is a bad strategy for Republicans to put a lot of effort and resources on winning over leftwing Democrats.

This shit will matter to Independents and moderate/conservative Democrats, and by quite a bit.
 
I have noticed that Bernies followers seem to be the only leftists that care.
They rest don't care about what the candidates policies are. They will make excuse for racist remarks. They don't care about stupid things the democratic candidates say. They will make excuses for everything they claim to hate about Trump. None of it matters to them.
The only thing most of them care about is if the candidate can defeat Trump.
I think it is a bad strategy for Republicans to put a lot of effort and resources on winning over leftwing Democrats.

This shit will matter to Independents and moderate/conservative Democrats, and by quite a bit.
There is no way to win over the mentally unstable of the left. The are only interested in any news that paints Trump in a bad light so they watch CNN for their next fix of hate.
We can hope to win some of the more moderate.
We probably already have the independents. They are interested in things like the economy, wages, the cost of living and they even turn on other news channels besides CNN.
 
There is no way to win over the mentally unstable of the left. The are only interested in any news that paints Trump in a bad light so they watch CNN for their next fix of hate.
We can hope to win some of the more moderate.
We probably already have the independents. They are interested in things like the economy, wages, the cost of living and they even turn on other news channels besides CNN.
Trump supporters like us will win some on the far left as resentment from Sanders getting fucked over will bleed over to us.
The conservative Dems we will get a good share of, no doubt, and a big slice of their moderates who are happy with the economy.

With Independents either party at best usually gets only about 2/3rds of them, but if you add all this up, with about 5% NeverTrumpers going Dem, it is a huge landslide this November, but I dont like thinking that way.
 
There is no way to win over the mentally unstable of the left. The are only interested in any news that paints Trump in a bad light so they watch CNN for their next fix of hate.
We can hope to win some of the more moderate.
We probably already have the independents. They are interested in things like the economy, wages, the cost of living and they even turn on other news channels besides CNN.
Trump supporters like us will win some on the far left as resentment from Sanders getting fucked over will bleed over to us.
The conservative Dems we will get a good share of, no doubt, and a big slice of their moderates who are happy with the economy.

With Independents either party at best usually gets only about 2/3rds of them, but if you add all this up, with about 5% NeverTrumpers going Dem, it is a huge landslide this November, but I dont like thinking that way.
I don't think anyone should be talking landslide. If too many take the idea of a landslide to heart the amount getting out and voting may fall. We need everyone possible to vote. We need every vote for a republican that we can get. Make it undeniable that the ideals of creating things like solialized medicine, gun bans and the rest of the radical lefts ideals are not only not welcome but opposed vehemently. We need to make the popular vote not about male female, gay or straight, it needs and should be about the best policies.
If republicans can win the popular vote then the whole need to end the electoral college talk goes by the wayside.
 
If republicans can win the popular vote then the whole need to end the electoral college talk goes by the wayside.
I just want to see all these blue states have their Electoral College delegates voting for Trump!

Ah, that would be so pleasurable.
 

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