- Jun 19, 2009
- 42,414
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I just thought these were kinda funny.. after all, the jokes are on us..seems only fair..
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"In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay." —Conan O'Brien
"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"The latest documents released this week showed that priests with drug, alcohol and sexual abuse problems continued in the ministry as recently as two years ago. That doesn't sound like a church, it sounds like Congress with holy water." —Jay Leno
"How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze." —Jay Leno
"Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word 'constitution' and adding the word 'shmonstitution' to the end of it." —Jon Stewart
"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." —Jay Leno
"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels." —Dennis Miller
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
Congress Jokes - Late-Night Jokes About Congress
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"In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who's ugly and probably gay." —Conan O'Brien
"In protest of France's opposition to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"The latest documents released this week showed that priests with drug, alcohol and sexual abuse problems continued in the ministry as recently as two years ago. That doesn't sound like a church, it sounds like Congress with holy water." —Jay Leno
"How much do you think Senators make? They now make $154,700 a year. But they say it will stimulate the economy because eventually that money will trickle down to the liquor stores, the hookers, the brothels ... then it will get back in the community." —Jay Leno, on Congress voting itself a pay raise
"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze." —Jay Leno
"Some scholars have argued [that] the Constitution clearly states only Congress can declare war, and they are not allowed to simply delegate that authority to the president. However, you can get around that with the legal technique of taking the word 'constitution' and adding the word 'shmonstitution' to the end of it." —Jon Stewart
"Earlier this week the Senate voted 97-to-0 for tougher regulations. For example, when corporations buy a senator, they must now get a receipt." —Jay Leno
"Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels." —Dennis Miller
~Compiled by Daniel Kurtzman
Congress Jokes - Late-Night Jokes About Congress
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