Poem

Discussion in 'Writing' started by no1tovote4, Nov 19, 2004.

  1. no1tovote4
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    Darkness

    Darkness, darkness
    Away from the light.
    Darker, Darker
    Than the night.


    Pain kills emotion
    Like aspirin kills pain.
    A momentary release
    When emotions reign...
     
  2. Shattered
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    :clap: :bow2:

    *ponders making the second portion of that a signature line, if you don't mind..*
     
  3. no1tovote4
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    Thank you muchly!

    :thanks:
     
  4. nakedemperor
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    No1tovote4 -- I think the pathos of this poem is embodied in the second stanza. The first stanza is essentially a non-sequitor; and considering the ever popular light-dark motif, its rather cliched. If you cut it, the brevity of the second stanza and the pointed simile will focus your point and remove the wishy-washy element that the first stanza evokes.

    Also, you might want to consider changing "aspirin". I like the concept of pain having a blinding effect that momentarily distorts or nullifies emotion, but if you consider the second half of the simile, I'm left wondering if the scope and magnitude of the effect of aspirin (more blunting in my mind) really embodies the type of "release" you're describing.
     
  5. no1tovote4
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    Very good. However, the duplicative description of pain in the first part of the poem was in part a set-up to the second part of the second stanza. It is an alliterative tool often used in poetry. Darkness, Darkness.... Repeated because of two meanings. You can see such a tool used in Robert Frost's "Stopping by a Wood on a Snowy Evening". This poem was more direct than that one, and purposefully so.

    However the first stanza is equally important to the poem as a descriptive and alliterative tool pointing you to the ultimate point/goal of the second stanza. While the light/dark motif may be cliche (the light mentioned in the first stanza also had two meanings to me when writing the poem, first the flash of light that I associate directly to pain, second light as in the good side of life), the duplicative tool is rarely used correctly in modern poetry. In this case giving you to wonder if the ultimate goal is temporary release from emotional pain, or a more permanent realease of which pain would be only momentary. Which was the goal of the poem. It was written during a down side of a Bipolar episode.

    I can go more into depth of my frame of mind and meaning if you so wish...
     
  6. no1tovote4
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    Give me credit and you can surely use it if you wish.
     
  7. Shattered
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    Wouldn't have it any other way. :)
     
  8. no1tovote4
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    Thank you.
     
  9. no1tovote4
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    During the upswing of bipolar episodes, not at the hight as I would never write when I was on a high (at the time I did not know that I was bipolar), I would write more sappy poetry. I will post an example of this in this thread. I wrote the following poem during an upswing after hitting the bottom of the episode.
     
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    I wonder if she'll ever know
    The sorrow felt when she did go.
    The chill of the heart that she did sow.

    I ask God's help now when I kneel
    Remembering I could not deal
    With all the ways I did then feel.

    Hiding it from the one who might
    Have made my life a bit more bright!
    Why couldn't I then see the light?

    Now that I see it, it's too late.
    I guess that I can call it fate.
    Forever in Memory's gate...


    This poem was my first attempt at Iambic Pentameter and was written for a school assignment. I was never able to write good poetry during the upside of a bipolar episode, only during the downside. Nowadays, poetry never comes as easily to me as it did then.
     

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