Osama Meets Cupid!

[Annie]

The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4106

WASHINGTON, DC—A new videotape of Osama bin Laden broadcast on the Arab satellite news channel Al-Jazeera Monday beseeched Allah to grant all Americans a "crappy Valentine's Day."

Above: Bin Laden tears up a "putrid Western Valentine's Day trifle" during his videotaped message.
"This Feb. 14th on the Western infidels' calendar, may all Americans receive no valentines from their beloved ones," bin Laden said. "May the homemade construction-paper mailboxes taped to the desks of the American schoolchildren remain empty, as well. May whomever you ask to 'bee yours' tell you to 'buzz off.'"

Bin Laden called for "romantic humiliation for all Americans of courting and betrothal age."

"Allah willing, embarrassment and tearful rejection shall rule this day," bin Laden said. "Paper hearts shall be rent and trod upon, and dreams of love delivered stillborn. Body language shall be misinterpreted, crushes unrequited, and sincere expressions of affection mocked. Invitations to dinner will be rejected, just as Americans have rejected Allah, the one true God."

During a speech before the Oklahoma Cattlemen's Association, President Bush condemned the al-Qaeda leader's remarks.

"[Bin Laden's] sinister call for romantic disappointment on Valentine's Day is yet another demonstration of the ruthless hatred this evil individual harbors for the American way of life," Bush said. "He directs rage at even our youngest and most innocent citizens, asking God to quash children's joy by making them receive, and I quote, 'only unwanted valentines bearing the laughable likenesses of out-of-favor pop-culture icons from the recent past, such as the Backstreet Boys and the creatures from Monsters, Inc.'"

"Bin Laden's depravity knows no bounds," Bush added.

According to state officials, bin Laden demonstrated an uncanny knowledge of Valentine's Day customs, in spite of the fact that the holiday is not celebrated in the Arab world. In addition to his allusions to classroom valentines, bin Laden cited heart-shaped candies, valentine personal ads in free alternative weeklies, and foot massages.

"In this infamous February, may all American hearts be crushed like a box of conversation hearts that is tossed carelessly into the bottom of a fellow student's schoolbag," bin Laden said. "We soldiers of Allah pledge with our blood and souls that all pink and red carnations shall wither and drop from their stalks before they make their way to the desks of America's secretaries. Instead of receiving hugs and kisses, they and their extended families shall be besieged with boos and hisses."

Bin Laden added: "May your special Valentine's Day dinner be spent at an overrated restaurant that impoverishes your purse and leaves your stomach churning with indigestible Western cuisine."

Bin Laden did not overlook the innocuous custom of giving stuffed animals as gifts.

"The teddy bear that holds the 'I love you' heart does not love you at all," Bin Laden said. "It is an unliving, unholy thing filled only with stuffing. Just as the Western infidel is not bestowed with the blessings of Allah, so shall he go unloved by the false bear."

The release of the bin Laden tape is consistent with the al-Qaeda leader's inclination to speak out before major American events, such as the 2004 U.S. presidential election.

"Perhaps whoever told bin Laden about Valentine's Day exaggerated its significance," departing Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said. "Or, I don't know, maybe he was just itching to release another tape."

The Department of Homeland Security did not raise the terror advisory, recommending that Americans proceed with their Valentine's Day plans. This is in spite of the final words of bin Laden's address.

"Come Monday, as you pry open your fancy, red Russell Stover box, take heed," bin Laden said. "For in the place of tasty caramels and buttercreams, you will find the flaming sword of righteous jihad!"

 

[Shattered]

Bin Laden's picked up one hell of a vocabulary.

Methinks The Onion writers outta dumb down sometimes..

 

[Annie]

Bin Laden's picked up one hell of a vocabulary.

Methinks The Onion writers outta dumb down sometimes..

Got a point, but maybe they were questioned if they were 'serious' one to many times? :teeth:

 

[janeeng]

HAHA! does this idiot really think this will happen? Best part of Valentines Day here is, none of us are hiding out in caves. We are here with our families or loved ones to enjoy our day! Happy Valentines Day Osama! enjoy your day in hiding.

 

[krisy]

I think 'ol OBL has placed a little too much importance on this holiday for us. Sounds like an American,or somebody western wrote that for him,I can't imagine him hiding in his caves actually knowing all this stuff. He sounds like we take it as seriousas Christmas or Eater. He sounds like a jackass!!!!

 

[Merlin1047]

The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4106

Dammit Kathianne!

You need to put that link in large, bold typeface. I paid it no attention and was all set to respond regarding GW's taking this crap seriously. Then, thankfully, I read Shattered's post, which saved me from making an ass of myself.

Have to admit, the folks at the onion are pretty good at this.

 

[Shattered]

I think 'ol OBL has placed a little too much importance on this holiday for us. Sounds like an American,or somebody western wrote that for him,I can't imagine him hiding in his caves actually knowing all this stuff. He sounds like we take it as seriousas Christmas or Eater. He sounds like a jackass!!!!

Umm.. Krisy.. The Onion is a crackpot bogus paper put out by college students for kicks.

 

[onedomino]

Umm.. Krisy.. The Onion is a crackpot bogus paper put out by college students for kicks.

The Onion is satire. It is a business. It is not put out by college kids. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/01/29/BUG3RB2CPV1.DTL

 

[Annie]

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050213/od_nm/saudi_valentines_dc

Saudi Arabia's morality police are on the scent of illicit red roses as part of a clampdown on would-be St Valentine's lovers in the strict Muslim kingdom.

The Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, Saudi Arabia's powerful religious vigilantes, have banned shops from selling any red flowers in the run-up to February 14.

Florists say the move is part of an annual campaign by the committee -- whose members are known as "mutawwaeen" or volunteers -- to prevent Saudis marking a festival they believe flouts their austere doctrine of "Wahhabi" Islam.

"They pass by two or three times a day to check we don't have any red flowers," said a Pakistani florist in Riyadh's smart Sulaimaniya district. "Look, no red. I've taken them all out," he said pointing to a dazzling floral collection covering every color of the rainbow except one.

Saudi Arabia's purist version of Islam recognizes only two religious occasions a year -- the Muslim feasts after the fasting month of Ramadan and the Haj pilgrimage.

Celebration of the Islamic New Year or the Prophet Mohammad's birthday, common in other Muslim countries, is frowned upon in Saudi Arabia.

Valentine's Day (news - web sites), or the "Feast of Love" in Arabic, is beyond the pale in a country where women must cover themselves from head to toe in public and be accompanied by a male guardian.

"For the last week, we've had no red in the shop," said Ahmed, a flower shop manager. "You can't even have red cards."

Despite the prohibition, demand for the banned roses has been strong and unofficial business was booming, Ahmed said.

"Wait 10 minutes," he told one customer as an assistant slipped into the shadows to collect a bouquet of crimson flowers. At 10 riyals ($2.70) each they were double the usual price. "They would put us in prison for this," he smiled.

Another customer asked if he could deliver 30 red roses to Riyadh's diplomatic quarter, a potentially tricky mission which meant crossing a tight police security cordon. "No problem," Ahmed said. "That's the regular police, not the mutawwaeen."

The government-funded mutawwaeen patrol the streets of Saudi Arabia, particularly Riyadh in the Wahhabi heartland, ensuring women are covered and five daily Muslim prayers are observed.

Shopkeepers who fail to shut down for half an hour during each prayer risk a night in jail if they are discovered.

Despite government calls for them to show greater leniency, and some recent efforts to improve their own image, the bearded volunteers are not universally popular.

"The mutawwaeen are just backward," Ahmed complained. "It's the Saudi women who want these roses anyway."

 

[Shattered]

The Onion is satire. It is a business. It is not put out by college kids. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/01/29/BUG3RB2CPV1.DTL

I started reading it in 1991. A couple of those writers were at UWM. Those would be college kids. Did I keep up on their careers throughout the years? No. What you're posting comes only from the last month.. Go back about 15 years or so..

 

[onedomino]

Re: Kathianne's Yahoo post above: no, it is unfortunately not satire. But it is atavistic and absurd.

 

[Annie]

With all the notice it's getting, Jimnyc would need to make another forum:

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20050213/od_uk_nm/oukoe_india_valentines

BHOPAL, India (Reuters) - Hardline Hindus have vowed to disrupt Saint Valentine's Day (news - web sites) celebrations in India's central state of Madhya Pradesh, saying the Western love festival was a violation of India's traditional culture.

Saint Valentine's Day has become increasingly popular in India in recent years, led by retailers selling red balloons, velvet pillows and teddy bears to mark the festival.

But the growing popularity of the day in officially secular, but mainly Hindu, India has in recent years sparked countrywide protests which have sometimes turned violent.

"We will oppose it tooth and nail because the concept of Valentine's Day celebrations has come from the West and through it an attempt is being made to spoil Indian culture," said Devendra Rawat, a member of the Bajrang Dal, on Saturday.

"Our teams will visit all hotels and restaurants and stop Valentine's Day celebrations. The teams will also visit parks frequented by boys and girls."

The Bajrang Dal said it had set up 16 teams of 25 activists each who would ensure that couples would not be able to celebrate the day in public in the state capital, Bhopal.

Hardline groups have in the past made a bonfire of Valentine's Day cards and smashed shop windows to protest against what they describe as "cultural corruption" but that has not dampened the enthusiasm of youngsters who throng stores to buy Saint Valentine's Day gifts and cards.

Groups like the Bajrang Dal and Shiv Sena are part of a growing tribe of cultural vigilantes in India opposed to increasing Westernisation.

Such groups have in the past stopped the screening of a controversial film about a love affair between two women and also stopped a film on the plight of widows forced into prostitution, saying they denigrated India's ancient traditions.

 

[krisy]

Umm.. Krisy.. The Onion is a crackpot bogus paper put out by college students for kicks.

Ya got me!!! I didn't even click on the link,I guess I'm the

:teeth: