Old and Lonely

Old Rocks

Diamond Member
Oct 31, 2008
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Portland, Ore.
Don't know just where this belongs. But, just passing my 70th birthday, I realized that some assumptions I have had since my youth badly need revision.

When I was young, I enjoyed being around older people. The stories they told about their youth intrigued me, and gave me an insight into a differant world than the one I was experiancing. And they all talked of being old and lonely. And I assumed that they meant that they were isolated, and did not have that many freinds. Even though I observed that many of them were socially and physically active.

Now I realize that the word 'lonely' meant something else for them, than the lonelyness that I understood then. In fact, it should be a seperate word, and may be in another language. For what they meant was the lack of shared experiance. We all have friends and relatives with which a single word or phrase in a given situation can send us into gales of laughter, or bring a stab of old grief to the surface.

But, in the natural order of things, our friends complete their circle of life, and we see them no more. And the mutual experiances that we shared become memories only we have. Memories that cannot be completely shared even by the best of artists or authors.

The friends that there were some very special things that they loved. And we see something and think, instinctively, 'wait until I see X'. Except we will never see X again. And lonely does not cover the feeling at that time.

We need another word.
 
The word you seek is mourning. It pops up at "lonely" moments when memory is all you have left of what once was.

My father is 79. Three years ago my mother died, and my parents were best friends, married for well over fifty years, still lived in the house my father built with his own hands. My father has lost all his siblings now, almost all his friends. I see the sadness in him; it's quiet and resides under the surface and actually shows itself when he is most happy in seeing a grandchild or one of us kids. I'm sure you understand that.

Life is bittersweet. Even at my age, I nearly ache sometimes from my own memory snippets of a wonderful childhood. I doubt there is a single person who ever lived who doesn't long to be 8 years old again from time to time.

Thanks for your post.
 
I think I understand. My sis is feeling that way as well. She's married but only for financial convenience, it seems harsh but the only way I can explain it.

He never wants her to go anywhere but he is not exactly her soul mate. She leaves the house at around 11 am and doesn't return until evening just to be away from him. She visits her sisters, her kids, gets nails, hair, skin done. Works out, goes to lunch, anything just to be around people who she feels a connection with.

A bird in a guilded cage.

I believe keeping yourself out there, in the game, has a lot to do with finding that connection over and over.
 
Don't know just where this belongs. But, just passing my 70th birthday, I realized that some assumptions I have had since my youth badly need revision.

When I was young, I enjoyed being around older people. The stories they told about their youth intrigued me, and gave me an insight into a differant world than the one I was experiancing. And they all talked of being old and lonely. And I assumed that they meant that they were isolated, and did not have that many freinds. Even though I observed that many of them were socially and physically active.

Now I realize that the word 'lonely' meant something else for them, than the lonelyness that I understood then. In fact, it should be a seperate word, and may be in another language. For what they meant was the lack of shared experiance. We all have friends and relatives with which a single word or phrase in a given situation can send us into gales of laughter, or bring a stab of old grief to the surface.

But, in the natural order of things, our friends complete their circle of life, and we see them no more. And the mutual experiances that we shared become memories only we have. Memories that cannot be completely shared even by the best of artists or authors.

The friends that there were some very special things that they loved. And we see something and think, instinctively, 'wait until I see X'. Except we will never see X again. And lonely does not cover the feeling at that time.

We need another word.

my dad was the last surviving member of his family

he had is kids but

he missed his mom and dad

his aunts and uncles

and brothers and sisters that departed before him
 
The solution is to keep advancing. Go places where you meet new people with similar interests and backgrounds. it is amazing how many people grew up around you and shared so many of the same experiences that you can "re-connect" even though you never connected in the first place.

My wife's high school class is holding mini-reunions every year and even though I never met any of her guy classmates before, we had mutual friends, played and "hung out" at the same places, did the same sort of things, and except for the very specific memories that they share, I connect with them just fine. And vice versa.

But obviously, when you reach a certain age, most of the people you could connect with like this are dead.
 
Don't know just where this belongs. But, just passing my 70th birthday, I realized that some assumptions I have had since my youth badly need revision.

When I was young, I enjoyed being around older people. The stories they told about their youth intrigued me, and gave me an insight into a differant world than the one I was experiancing. And they all talked of being old and lonely. And I assumed that they meant that they were isolated, and did not have that many freinds. Even though I observed that many of them were socially and physically active.

Now I realize that the word 'lonely' meant something else for them, than the lonelyness that I understood then. In fact, it should be a seperate word, and may be in another language. For what they meant was the lack of shared experiance. We all have friends and relatives with which a single word or phrase in a given situation can send us into gales of laughter, or bring a stab of old grief to the surface.

But, in the natural order of things, our friends complete their circle of life, and we see them no more. And the mutual experiances that we shared become memories only we have. Memories that cannot be completely shared even by the best of artists or authors.

The friends that there were some very special things that they loved. And we see something and think, instinctively, 'wait until I see X'. Except we will never see X again. And lonely does not cover the feeling at that time.

We need another word.


(((hugs)))


I hear a profound sadness coming off of you Old Rocks. I wish there was something that could be said to make you feel better.

It is just life.
 
"mourning" "profound sadness" can be joined by "melancholy" and "growing awareness" define how amazing and awesome life can be. Yes, life can be full of suffering, grief, and pain. But also love and friendship and joy can define it as well. I am amazed at how deep and awe-inspiring are our existences.
 
I hope I never reach a point in my life where I'm not motivated by anything or anyone. That's what scares me the most. I've seen friends and relatives shuttled off to nursing homes, never to return.

At 1am today, my brother lost his girlfriend. I don't think she was even 50. He's understandably devastated and heartbroken. If my siblings and I don't step up to the plate, we may lose our brother.
 
Try not caring if you live or die. Wishing that you could just not exist. I am 56 and have felt that way since at least 16. Suicide is not an option as it is against God's law and I have always had someone that depended on me for something. I can not just leave them.

I have not lost any sisters or brothers but my Grandparents and parents and lots of uncles and Aunts are gone.

Lonely, indeed. I have just a couple friends and spend most of my time online.

Old Rocks, take a deep breath, remember your missing friends and family and then just keep going. If you are not an introvert make new friends and acquaintances. There is some joy in remembering but never dwell on it. You will be fine.
 
I hope I never reach a point in my life where I'm not motivated by anything or anyone. That's what scares me the most. I've seen friends and relatives shuttled off to nursing homes, never to return.

At 1am today, my brother lost his girlfriend. I don't think she was even 50. He's understandably devastated and heartbroken. If my siblings and I don't step up to the plate, we may lose our brother.

Quite frankly, I'm kind of looking forward to going to the nursing home. I won't be shuttled off, I'll be checking myself in.

We have a home called the Pioneer's Home, there are locations in at least three different towns. It is run by the State of Alaska. The people in these homes need various levels of care, some are quite independent and come and go as they please. It reminds me of a big college dorm! You can even have a pet such as a dog there as long as you are capable of taking care of it.

I look forward to meeting new friends, not having to cook and having time to lay around reading, watching television or movies, talking to people, etc. As it is now, I have very little leisure time and lots of problems. Every day is about solving problems and I'm getting sick of it.
 
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Old Rocks, Old Stones is here. I am not 70 but will be in 9 years. I validate your very well thought out post and thank you for it. You said what many may be feeling. At least we know we are not completely alone even if it is just shared thoughts kept to ourselves which you just uttered aloud.

Hugs from an internet stranger,
Love, Gracie (Bren)
 
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Damn it old Rocks. You can't post the other stuff you do then drop this. Now I am emotionally conflicted.
 
Interestingly enough, "lonely" is a term used by people who really don't understand what it means to be alone.

Try being orphaned at 8 years old with a younger sibling that you're supposed to be responsible for (my younger 1/2 sister), and have to face the world on your own, only to have your last vestige of family torn from you at the age of 12 because your own family says they can't take care of you anymore.

I went through that, and after a couple of foster families (by myself, because my 1/2 sister was put in another foster family), decided to run away at the age of 16 back to my Grandparents because that was the only place I felt wanted.

I was also commissioned by my Grandparents to go and talk my 1/2 sister to come back to live with us, and when she did, I became the black sheep again.

I joined the military, and still had a hole in my soul, because I didn't really feel that anyone cared, but after a couple of enlistments had a sudden realization....................

Because I was alone, and because I was an orphan, I could build my own family around myself and choose the people that I wanted to be around me.

I used the lessons that I'd learned growing up as to who was good for me, and who wasn't, and was fortunate enough to have decent people around me who were suitable for being included in the family I was building. Many of my former shipmates, as well as many of the people that I've met in my travels through life have proven suitable, as well as some of the people who were part of my "real" (meaning via bloodline) family weren't quite the people that I wanted around me.

One of the great things about being an orphan (and being alone in your travels through life) is that you don't have to depend on "family", because you can build your own.

I currently have several people around me who are no relation to me via bloodline, but they mean more to me than those who are related to me via blood ever did.

You're never lonely unless you want to be, and those that you term "family" should be the ones that you trust and love, regardless of whether or not you're related.

Once you realize that we're all part of the family of Mankind, it makes it easier to choose the relatives you want around you.

It also makes it easier to be a part of the family of Man when you realize that those you were born to can be nastier than those who you meet on the street.

Me? I prefer to be with those who will teach me (as well as correct me when needed), rather than those who simply agree with me because they're related.
 
The solution is to keep advancing. Go places where you meet new people with similar interests and backgrounds. it is amazing how many people grew up around you and shared so many of the same experiences that you can "re-connect" even though you never connected in the first place.

My wife's high school class is holding mini-reunions every year and even though I never met any of her guy classmates before, we had mutual friends, played and "hung out" at the same places, did the same sort of things, and except for the very specific memories that they share, I connect with them just fine. And vice versa.

But obviously, when you reach a certain age, most of the people you could connect with like this are dead.

I think this is true.

A year and a half ago, my best friend and mentor died at 87. I loved that old man more than I can say. I admired him for his attitude about living - They were preparing for a trip to the Galapagoes but he had pneumonia. I thought they would cancel but no. When I said that I hoped he would be able to enjoy the trip, he said he would because he planned to enjoy it. When they got home, he said he had forgotten how sick he was.

I got food poisoning or something in Paris. Spent a day hugging the wastebasket while sitting on the john. Just miserable. Next day, I was able to get back out into the city. Now, when I remember Paris, I don't even think about that day.

Note to RetiredGySgt - I do understand that true depression is not just a matter of deciding how one feels and I'm truly sorry that anyone has to battle that.

I think it was George Bernard Shaw who said that one thing he disliked about being vegetarian is that one outlives all their friends and family. I see that with my own family. Fat, heart disease, diabetes, smoking and they're all dying younger than me. Yes, that's their choice but still, its painful to watch.

Loneliness - I lived alone in an empty and abusive marriage for more than 25 years. I escaped just a few years ago and am now in a very happy and fulfilling marriage.

The difference is just almost indescribable. The thought of one of us dying and leaving the other causes us both bone shattering anguish. I can understand why some couples choose to die together.
 
Interestingly enough, "lonely" is a term used by people who really don't understand what it means to be alone.

Try being orphaned at 8 years old with a younger sibling that you're supposed to be responsible for (my younger 1/2 sister), and have to face the world on your own, only to have your last vestige of family torn from you at the age of 12 because your own family says they can't take care of you anymore.

I went through that, and after a couple of foster families (by myself, because my 1/2 sister was put in another foster family), decided to run away at the age of 16 back to my Grandparents because that was the only place I felt wanted.

I was also commissioned by my Grandparents to go and talk my 1/2 sister to come back to live with us, and when she did, I became the black sheep again.

I joined the military, and still had a hole in my soul, because I didn't really feel that anyone cared, but after a couple of enlistments had a sudden realization....................

Because I was alone, and because I was an orphan, I could build my own family around myself and choose the people that I wanted to be around me.

I used the lessons that I'd learned growing up as to who was good for me, and who wasn't, and was fortunate enough to have decent people around me who were suitable for being included in the family I was building. Many of my former shipmates, as well as many of the people that I've met in my travels through life have proven suitable, as well as some of the people who were part of my "real" (meaning via bloodline) family weren't quite the people that I wanted around me.

One of the great things about being an orphan (and being alone in your travels through life) is that you don't have to depend on "family", because you can build your own.

I currently have several people around me who are no relation to me via bloodline, but they mean more to me than those who are related to me via blood ever did.

You're never lonely unless you want to be, and those that you term "family" should be the ones that you trust and love, regardless of whether or not you're related.

Once you realize that we're all part of the family of Mankind, it makes it easier to choose the relatives you want around you.

It also makes it easier to be a part of the family of Man when you realize that those you were born to can be nastier than those who you meet on the street.

Me? I prefer to be with those who will teach me (as well as correct me when needed), rather than those who simply agree with me because they're related.

I wasn't an orphan but was deserted at 16, thrown out of my home. I simply came home from school one day to find my clothing piled up outside and the doors locked. Just terrifying to be completely alone, no one to help, not a penny to your name. I worked in a little cafe in a small town, lived in a one room apartment above and took the school bus to school.

For a long time, no one knew. Then I was in an accident that crushed the lower half of my face and the authorities made my family take me home because they couldn't keep me in the hospital. I left again right after high school and never looked back. I put myself through college and worked for everything I have. I've been dead broke twice and worked my way back.

You're right that you do choose your friends and family. My surviving siblings are in another state and I have almost no contact with them. I love them and yet there are unrelated people who I care much more about.

Right now, getting ready for this surgery on Monday - my blood family doesn't even know. That doesn't bother me now but there were many years that it did.

We do make our own lives.
 
The word you seek is mourning. It pops up at "lonely" moments when memory is all you have left of what once was.

My father is 79. Three years ago my mother died, and my parents were best friends, married for well over fifty years, still lived in the house my father built with his own hands. My father has lost all his siblings now, almost all his friends. I see the sadness in him; it's quiet and resides under the surface and actually shows itself when he is most happy in seeing a grandchild or one of us kids. I'm sure you understand that.

Life is bittersweet. Even at my age, I nearly ache sometimes from my own memory snippets of a wonderful childhood. I doubt there is a single person who ever lived who doesn't long to be 8 years old again from time to time.

Thanks for your post.
My grandmother-in-law died about 15 years ago. Her husband was lost without her, and lost the will to live. He died of a broken heart a year almost to the day later. Nothing physically wrong enough to kill him. Just a broken heart.
 
"rudderless"?

We have a friend who has worked in rescue for her whole life. She has 3 old cats and says that when the last one dies, she'll be ready to die as well.

Seems like, without rescue work, she has no meaning, no place to go. No rudder.

I think the same thing often happens with some people when they retire. I have such a long bucket list, I'm thrilled not to have to work anymore. And, I still dabble with selling on Amazon and eBay which has actually gotten to be a bit of a hassle that sometimes keeps me from doing things I want to do.

But, some people don't have interests outside their work so retirement just isn't what they want or need.

Interesting thread.
 

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