OK, serious question

[Dan]

Remember that script I posted here a while ago, about the pregnant girl? (for the record, I gave it a title, 'Ten Days Late') ANyway, in my fiction class today, the teacher gave us these handouts about a writing contest they're having at my school and one of the things they're looking for is short scripts. My question is, do you think with some major rewriting (see below) I could submit this? This probably doesn't need to be said, but I want you guys to be honest about it, don't beat around the bush.

Here's the things that I already know I need to work on:

-Music cues: too many of them, Bry's comment "but I know you're a fan of Dawson's Creek, so I guess it's okay" stuck with me more than I think he ever thought it would.

-The ending: it's convoluted. I think it would work on the screen, but on the page, it's confusing.

-Most of the dialogue was just off the top of my head, so I need to rework it, make it more lively.

-The girl's friend doesn't really do much other than sit on the curb and say 'okay, explain the plot to me.' I need to do more with her or else take it out altogether.

-I may add a scene where the girl calls her mother. Maybe in place of the diner scene after the beach where nothing really happens.

-I liked the scene with the girl and her father. I'll work on the dialogue, but I really liked the interaction between them.

-the boyfriend was a little one-note, in my opinion. It's hard to get too deep in such a short script, but I think I need to make him a little more sympathetic.

-I don't know about that final shot (rattle and roses). It seemed a little too overly arty to me. What did you think?

OK, what else do I need to do? If the answer is 'give up', then just give it to me straight.

 

[Dan]

Wow. So should I take the total lack of response as a unanimous "don't bother"?

 

[Bry]

Yeah, I think you're on the right track, and I think you should send it in. Good luck.

 

[5stringJeff]

Dan,

I'll have to re-read it. Gimme a bit.

 

[Dan]

OK. I reread that second post on here and realized it sounded a little dick-ish. I wasn't really serious, I should've put a smilie after it, don't anyone get offended, please.

 

[winston churchi]

I have not read your piece but I will try to find it.

I love reading others works - I love writing myself.

I have a tendancy to write about horrific Stephen King sort of fiction though - I don't know why - an inner madness perhaps?

 

[winston churchi]

Dan

I could not find your story but I read the diary story below.

I know that is not the one you were writing about above....


I think you can write a great story with the diary girl - the murderess. I like the idea but here is what I do not like -

You probibly wrote that rather quickly but if you decide to rewrite it - don't rewrite it in a diary form. Perhaps take the reader into the world of the murderess instead of her diary...You need to take to the reader into this murderesses mind and feel her anger at her parents while feeling disgust at the discovery of their bodies out front....I think that would make a great short short -

 

[Dan]

Church, you're right, I wrote that diary one really quickly. Honestly, I kind of like the diary aspect, just because it distances the reader from some of the darker aspects, of which there are a lot. I was trying to write it as a very dark comedy, and the thought of exploring it as a serious horror story never really crossed my mind.

For the record, I totally spaced and missed the turn-in date on that short script I was talking about, but I would still like your input on it. Here's the link, let me know what you think...

http://www.usmessageboard.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=968

Care to post anything you have written?

 

[winston churchi]

My short stories are as morbid as your diary story - a dark twisted mind perhaps? Or just very creative?

I understand what you are writing when you wish to write in the form of a diary....there is a story like that - I think it is called Twin Peaks? - It is written in the form of a diary - I came across it at a second hand shop and read it - found it a good read. If you find it around someplace do read it and it may help you write that diary story while getting the reader involved as well. You want the reader to feel something rather than read...

 

[winston churchi]

Dan,

Sorry. I could not get 'into' the story about the vomit woman. It reminds me of the book 'our town' ... what I mean is, I hate reading as though I am reading a script for a play...I am the sort of person that if the story does not grab me within the first sentence, it isn't going to later on because I don't give it a chance.

Now we need to talk about that poor little kitten in your photo...what on earth did he do to deserve a pistol pointing in his face? Perhaps UBL should be on the other side of the barrel instead...?

 

[Dan]

Sorry. I could not get 'into' the story about the vomit woman. It reminds me of the book 'our town' ... what I mean is, I hate reading as though I am reading a script for a play...I am the sort of person that if the story does not grab me within the first sentence, it isn't going to later on because I don't give it a chance.

It's cool. It wasn't really a story, just a script. I think, like just about every script, it would work far better if you actually saw it rather than just reading it. It's alright, though. If you want to read another actual story I've read, I'll go dig up the URL for one of my older stories and post it up here.

Now we need to talk about that poor little kitten in your photo...what on earth did he do to deserve a pistol pointing in his face?

He disliked one of my scripts, get the hint?

 

[Dan]

Here you go, this seems to be the one people respond to the most, I didn't really think it was all that great, but whatever...

Jennifer's Body

 

[winston churchi]

Originally posted by Dan




He disliked one of my scripts, get the hint?

Oh that poor cat. I would hate live in your household! By now, after my comment on your script of the vomit woman I would be in pieces like mom and dad in your other story, all over the lawn. Is that correct?
Perhaps write a story on that. Someone critizes your work, you shoot them - now you are left with a dead body. What do you do? Mom and dad are visiting for dinner and so is Fido their snooping dog....

Oh there goes the warped part of me again...I feel a bizare story coming on.

I am glad I have not and will never meet you - I would be fodder.

 

[5stringJeff]

Dan, I liked Jennifer's Body. Good short story. The only thing was that, until about 2/3 of the way through the story, I didn't know if the narrator was a male or female. Otherwise, I enjoyed it.

 

[Dan]

I am glad I have not and will never meet you - I would be fodder.

'Will never'? Take a peek at the tree outside your window! And put that little red number on again!

The only thing was that, until about 2/3 of the way through the story, I didn't know if the narrator was a male or female.

Honestly never thought about that. He was a he.

 

[winston churchi]

Originally posted by Dan
'Will never'? Take a peek at the tree outside your window! And put that little red number on again!



That is funny - I have no tree outside my window - sorry - no red number either, except for the one on the front door.
Now leave the poor little cat alone!

 

[Dan]

Damn, wrong window!

 

[winston churchi]

Originally posted by Dan
Here you go, this seems to be the one people respond to the most, I didn't really think it was all that great, but whatever...

Jennifer's Body

I think you could turn Jennifers body into a great story. It reminds me of a story called The Catcher in the Rye....because....this main charector Holden (if you are a KS fan, he uses this name in one of his movies though I don't know which one) is a kid going through adolescence...I am sure you read it...if not than take it out from the library - I am sure you will enjoy reading it - it is a bit odd.

To me, first person is very difficult to write. I have tried it and always end up getting frustrated because I cannot write what is going on in anyone elses mind - but that is not true is it? I read a story recently written in first person yet the writer allowed the reader into the minds of the other charectors. I have never read that before and always assumed that is a 'no no' in writing. Why did I think that? As a writer, you are God correct?

So with all the babbling, if you enjoy writing Jennifers body you may want to try to write it in a whole story form - with dialog and all. Let me know if that is a plan.

 

[winston churchi]

Originally posted by Dan
Damn, wrong window!

Someday when I am driving through your fine state on route to Florida - I will stop by and save that poor ole cat in the window. Poor ole red headed tabby Fred, he just wanted to use one of your scripts as a kitty litter. How on earth did little Fred know what it was?

 

[Dan]

Someday when I am driving through your fine state on route to Florida - I will stop by and save that poor ole cat in the window. Poor ole red headed tabby Fred, he just wanted to use one of your scripts as a kitty litter. How on earth did little Fred know what it was?

If you're picking up red-headed tabby Fred, you better bring a shovel and some air freshener!

BTW, Catcher in the Rye is one of my all-time favorite books, I love that a book written 70 years ago rings so true still today.

So with all the babbling, if you enjoy writing Jennifers body you may want to try to write it in a whole story form - with dialog and all. Let me know if that is a plan.

Well, let me tell you the True Hollywood Story behind "Jennifer's Body".

The story originally started out as completely autobiographical. It was initially a very simple story about one of my best friends in high school, this girl named Alissa. We were really close and then when we went to college (she went to College of Charleston) we never saw each other again. I always thought that was weird how we liked each other so much and were able, or maybe forced, to just break that all away and never see each other again.

I wrote about half of the story with this in mind, but somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that that story would be boring and unidentifiable for most people, so I went back in and put in the drug angle instead. Now, I feel that this was really dishonest and not fair to the original story.

So, long story short, if I were to expand it, it would more than likely resemble this version only in certain details that were true to life (the first thing Alissa ever said to me really was "you have really girly eyelashes" and that is still one of the most bizzare and beautiful things anybody's ever said to me).

However, remember your "what do you want to do" post on the other forum, the indie movie I mentioned? The script for that movie actually touches on a lot of those same themes, so I might just stick with that. Interestingly, I wrote the main character (also named Jennifer, mainly due to my lack of originality in the name department) with Alissa in mind, because sometime in our senior year, she mentioned having a major interest in acting, and that's when I first came up with the idea for this movie. Time will tell how much of this, if any, will work out, though.

Oh, and good news on the J's B: True Hollywood Story, Alissa and I recently started talking again, I haven't quite had the nerve to show her the story ("hey, check out this story, you're a heroin addict and you die!").