OK, serious question

Discussion in 'Writing' started by Dan, Feb 5, 2004.

  1. Dan
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    Dan Senior Member

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    Remember that script I posted here a while ago, about the pregnant girl? (for the record, I gave it a title, 'Ten Days Late') ANyway, in my fiction class today, the teacher gave us these handouts about a writing contest they're having at my school and one of the things they're looking for is short scripts. My question is, do you think with some major rewriting (see below) I could submit this? This probably doesn't need to be said, but I want you guys to be honest about it, don't beat around the bush.

    Here's the things that I already know I need to work on:

    -Music cues: too many of them, Bry's comment "but I know you're a fan of Dawson's Creek, so I guess it's okay" stuck with me more than I think he ever thought it would.

    -The ending: it's convoluted. I think it would work on the screen, but on the page, it's confusing.

    -Most of the dialogue was just off the top of my head, so I need to rework it, make it more lively.

    -The girl's friend doesn't really do much other than sit on the curb and say 'okay, explain the plot to me.' I need to do more with her or else take it out altogether.

    -I may add a scene where the girl calls her mother. Maybe in place of the diner scene after the beach where nothing really happens.

    -I liked the scene with the girl and her father. I'll work on the dialogue, but I really liked the interaction between them.

    -the boyfriend was a little one-note, in my opinion. It's hard to get too deep in such a short script, but I think I need to make him a little more sympathetic.

    -I don't know about that final shot (rattle and roses). It seemed a little too overly arty to me. What did you think?

    OK, what else do I need to do? If the answer is 'give up', then just give it to me straight.
     
  2. Dan
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    Dan Senior Member

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    Wow. So should I take the total lack of response as a unanimous "don't bother"?
     
  3. Bry
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    Bry Member

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    Yeah, I think you're on the right track, and I think you should send it in. Good luck.
     
  4. 5stringJeff
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    5stringJeff Senior Member

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    Dan,

    I'll have to re-read it. Gimme a bit.
     
  5. Dan
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    Dan Senior Member

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    OK. I reread that second post on here and realized it sounded a little dick-ish. I wasn't really serious, I should've put a smilie after it, don't anyone get offended, please.:D :D :D
     
  6. winston churchi
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    winston churchi Member

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    I have not read your piece but I will try to find it.

    I love reading others works - I love writing myself.

    I have a tendancy to write about horrific Stephen King sort of fiction though - I don't know why - an inner madness perhaps?
     
  7. winston churchi
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    winston churchi Member

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    Dan

    I could not find your story but I read the diary story below.

    I know that is not the one you were writing about above....


    I think you can write a great story with the diary girl - the murderess. I like the idea but here is what I do not like -

    You probibly wrote that rather quickly but if you decide to rewrite it - don't rewrite it in a diary form. Perhaps take the reader into the world of the murderess instead of her diary...You need to take to the reader into this murderesses mind and feel her anger at her parents while feeling disgust at the discovery of their bodies out front....I think that would make a great short short -
     
  8. Dan
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    Dan Senior Member

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    Church, you're right, I wrote that diary one really quickly. Honestly, I kind of like the diary aspect, just because it distances the reader from some of the darker aspects, of which there are a lot. I was trying to write it as a very dark comedy, and the thought of exploring it as a serious horror story never really crossed my mind.

    For the record, I totally spaced and missed the turn-in date on that short script I was talking about, but I would still like your input on it. Here's the link, let me know what you think...

    http://www.usmessageboard.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=968

    Care to post anything you have written?
     
  9. winston churchi
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    winston churchi Member

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    My short stories are as morbid as your diary story - a dark twisted mind perhaps? Or just very creative?

    I understand what you are writing when you wish to write in the form of a diary....there is a story like that - I think it is called Twin Peaks? - It is written in the form of a diary - I came across it at a second hand shop and read it - found it a good read. If you find it around someplace do read it and it may help you write that diary story while getting the reader involved as well. You want the reader to feel something rather than read...
     
  10. winston churchi
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    winston churchi Member

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    Dan,

    Sorry. I could not get 'into' the story about the vomit woman. It reminds me of the book 'our town' ... what I mean is, I hate reading as though I am reading a script for a play...I am the sort of person that if the story does not grab me within the first sentence, it isn't going to later on because I don't give it a chance.

    Now we need to talk about that poor little kitten in your photo...what on earth did he do to deserve a pistol pointing in his face? Perhaps UBL should be on the other side of the barrel instead...?
     

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