Im sure by now youve seen the video of the disgruntled Iraqi reporter throwing his shoes at President Bush last Sunday. Im also fairly confidant after all the in-depth expert analysis that followed in its wake, youre well aware that the act is the Arab equivalent of giving someone the finger; albeit in an admittedly more forceful and potentially painful manner. Thats not even mentioning the potential olfactory offensiveness, depending on the attackers personal hygiene and the condition of their shoes, but I digress. Though he fared far better than he would have had he thrown his shoes at former Iraqi dictator and current worm buffet, Saddam Hussein, recent reports indicate the would-be starting pitcher for the Baghdad Nationals has since fallen on hard times; or more precisely, the not so tender mercies of a thoroughly embarrassed Iraqi administration and its security apparatus. Watching the scene, a few things immediately came to mind. First, for a 61-year-old, President Bush has some fairly good reflexes. He agilely ducked the furiously flung footwear with all the deftness of a pitcher dodging a scorcher shot back at him by a World Series MVP. Randy Johnson could take some pointers from old W. Batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter sa-wing!!! Da batter he canna swing!! Second, reality is often so deliciously better than fiction. Seriously, who in their right mind would have ever imagined something so bizarre could happen? This is the President of the United States of America were talking about, not the Mayor of Hoboken. Security is so tight around this man that an errant fly or malcontent mosquito has touched this mans skin since January 2001. Yet, there he was dodging heat-seeking Hushpuppies in balmy Baghdad. Hate to break this to you, but someone just got transferred to the Secret Services special Antarctic division. Merry Christmas and keep an eye out for those pesky penguin plotters, pal! Next, visions of Saturday Night Live went dancing through my head; which could potentially fall under the reality is better than fiction category. No doubt the writers and producers on SNL immediately started calling and Twittering each other the moment they saw this. They may even have Tina Feys Sarah Palin fire a red crocodile high heel at the President in the spoof. Were it not for the albatross of Bushs economy and her riding the backseat of the worst run Republican presidential campaign of the last forty years shed currently be preparing to move into the Vice Presidents residence at the Washington Naval Observatory, dontcha know? Finally, while I personally dont condone political violence - much less any involving laser-guided loafers one would think that were that ones weapon of preference they would choose something with a more substantial sole than a mere loafer. Honestly, if youre going to risk bodily harm, potential torture and lengthy imprisonment by throwing footwear at a national leader, youre going to want to make your one or two shots count. If youre crazy enough to try this, you should be smart enough to dress appropriately. You want to make a political statement thats going to have a forceful impact and leave its mark, then wear steel-toed boots. Trust me, you connect with one of those and youll get your point across and leave no doubt as to your displeasure with someones foreign policy. Then again, having been Governor of Texas prior to ascending to the Presidency, perhaps cowboy boots would have be a more befitting selection. Personally, being a Kiss fan since the tender and impressionable age of nine, Id lean towards Gene Simmons trademark dragon thigh-high boots. While they are admittedly hard to come by, they would no doubt have a forceful and memorable visual impact. Their length would additionally provide you with greater accuracy, though theyd be rather cumbersome and hard to take off quickly. Dont worry, though, Im sure they wouldnt even garner a second glance from the Secret Service as you made your way through security. And while theyre dragging you away as the President is whisked off to his shoe-proof armored limousine, you can pump your fist in the air while singing Shout It Out Loud. No doubt youll make Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud, faithful readers! We got to have a party! Stay tuned for further updates as events warrant and the Pentagon rolls out plans for the new anti-ballistic laser-guided loafer defense shield.