Now THIS Is Scary

[Annie]

The following is a parody of this article from Newsweek , but like all parodies...



http://vodkapundit.com/archives/006649.php

Faster Than a Speeding Lapham
Posted by Stephen Green · 5 September 2004
From the 9/14/2005 issue of Newsweek, with Richard Wolffe and Susannah Meadows reporting:

John Kerry wanted to hit back. It had been a miserable August as the nation took incoming fire from sleeper al Qaeda cells, just months after his swearing-in. But no, chief of staff Mary Beth Cahill and most of the cabinet argued, the current round of bombings and lone hijacking would blow over. Finally, Kerry had had enough. For three or four days, as he toured across the country, Kerry privately ripped into Cahill, furious that the attacks on the nation’s heartland were driving his numbers down. "He was very angry," one old friend says. "The calculation had been made that this wasn't going to hurt him." Kerry's solution was to reach for an old ally. "Get Vallely," he screamed.
Thomas Vallely is the leader of the pack of vets that Kerry calls his dog-hunters, a group that has beaten back the attacks on his Vietnam record since his first Senate race 20 years ago. "He knows that I know the other players," Vallely says of Kerry's Mayday call. "He knows that I also like this stuff."

The return of the old warriors marked a turning point in Kerry’s toned-down War on Terror, and a rare moment when Kerry stamped his authority on a drifting administration. "OK, time to break out the fatigues. We've been there, done that. Time to do it again," says David Thorne, Kerry's close friend, of the mood among the senator's inner circle.

And so, even as former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W Bush quietly encouraged retaliatory strikes, Kerry's motorcade pulled into Clark County, Ohio, where the worst of the Shopping Mall Bombers had hit last month. There, Kerry finally struck hard at his Republican rivals in the House and Senate. "I will not have my commitment to defend this country questioned by those who refused to serve when they could have, and who misled America into Iraq," Kerry told a crowd of several hundred supporters at a midnight rally at the crater which was once a Super K-Mart. The Republican “Shadow Cabinet” team, as usual, responded rapidly to Kerry's decidedly unrapid response. Karen Hughes, the former president's longtime message maven, accused Kerry of being "consumed" by Vietnam, saying he had "diminished America’s standing" by failing to respond quickly and forcefully to the attacks.

Kerry's counteroffensive seems to fit a well-worn pattern. After a period of complacency, the President blew his initial surge in public support after 8/18 and slid into frustration and inertia, before emerging with a new fighting spirit. It happened in the Democratic primaries, when Kerry's campaign was written off well before the first votes were cast in Iowa. Could it happen again in the renewed War on Terror? "There is nobody, nobody, who is a better finisher than John Kerry," says one close adviser and former staffer. Thorne promises there's more lashing to come, but even some of Kerry's most trusted friends can't be sure when the gloves will really come off. "I hope we don't get to the near-death experience again," says one senior aide. "I think he's a lot better when he's behind, but I hope we don't get too far behind."

 

[Annie]

The following is a parody of this article from Newsweek , but like all parodies...



http://vodkapundit.com/archives/006649.php

Just went back to Vodkapundit and started reading the comments, this one was too good:

Oh my God. I read the article, he really did say "OK, time to break out the fatigues. We've been there, done that. Time to do it again"

What will the Onion do if Kerry becomes president? How can satire compete with a reality like this? If you're not sure who to vote for then remember this -- it plainly clear that a vote for Kerry will bring about the demise of the Onion. Vote Bush.

Posted by: Remy Logan at September 5, 2004 03:44 PM

 

[KarlMarx]

How about this for a campaign slogan?

Don't commit Hari-Kerry vote for Bush!