North-South humor

Discussion in 'Humor' started by dilloduck, Feb 14, 2005.

  1. dilloduck
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    dilloduck Diamond Member

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    Subject: Helpful advice from some friends


    The North or The South...

    The North has coffee houses,
    The South has Waffle Houses
    The North has dating services,
    The South has family reunions.

    The North has switchblade knives,
    The South has Lee Press-on Nails
    The North has double last names,
    The South has double first names.

    The North has Indy car races,
    The South has stock car races.
    The North has Cream of Wheat,
    The South has grits.

    The North has green salads,
    The South has collard greens
    The North has lobsters,
    The South has crawfish.

    The North has the rust belt,
    The South has the Bible Belt..

    FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .

    In the South: If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store....do not buy food at this store.

    Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

    Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statements to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

    The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

    If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

    Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

    In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

    AND REMEMBER:

    If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
     
  2. Joz
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    Joz Senior Member

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    Maybe because it's so true, makes it all the funnier!
     
  3. freeandfun1
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    freeandfun1 VIP Member

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    This one is my favorite. It reminds me of how my momma used to (heck, still does) keep a coffee can next to the stove so she would pour the bacon grease into it after cook'n some.
     
  4. remie
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    remie Member

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    What? You mean everyone doesnt?
     
  5. Johnney
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    Johnney Senior Member

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    really?
    i use it in popcorn!
     
  6. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Ah tell y'all whut - ah'm getting damn tard of you damnyankee pansyasses makin' fun of us good-ole-boys.

    An soon's me an Billy Bob clean out the empty Pabst Blue Ribbon cans outa his 4-wheel drive Dodge Ram pickup, with brush guard, gun rack, six lights on the roof, big-ass CB antenna and 48 inch tahrs, we're a-comin up yonder to yankee land to kick yore scrawny yankee ass!

    Yeeeeehaaaaaaa!
     
  7. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    Y'all's a good ole' boy! :teeth: Can't rep you so take this instead!
     
  8. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    Now, nobody has come in to mock the southern boys yet, so I'm going pre-emptive...because I'm cynical and mean.

    Laugh it up, Yankees. If the apocalypse hits, I can survive in the woods for years. I can even outlast most of my gun-toting friends because I consider firearms a convenience rather than a necessity. Also, generations of bodily abuse by alcohol has given me a genetic resistance to poison and diseases. I have eaten tainted food and not been affected by the food poisoning. And, to cap off the final stap to your egos, our women are hot before you put on the makeup and the skimpy clothes. They can be modest women you can take home to mother, yet still turn you on.
     
  9. CSM
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    CSM Senior Member

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    When you and Merlin get to Maine...turn right. But of course "you cahnt get theyar from heeya" in Maine. By the way, what you say about women may be true, but up here in the north we don't date or marry our sisters.
     
  10. Shattered
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    D'oh! I was going to say that, and figured it would be *too* mean. :mm:
     

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