No Way, Jose

Discussion in 'Sports' started by Adam's Apple, Feb 17, 2005.

  1. Adam's Apple
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    Adam's Apple Senior Member

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    February 15, 2005
    No Way, Jose
    By Keith Olbermann for MSNBC

    Based on the nature of the attention paid Jose Canseco’s new tell-all, blow-by-blow, syringe-by-syringe, book about baseball and steroids--not a lot of the people paying attention read the whole book.

    I did--for which I expect at least one comp day. Juiced is not only not the 21st Century equivalent of Jim Bouton's immortal Ball Four --it’s barely bearable.

    But most interestingly, it’s about far more than Canseco’s now-familiar accusations of steroid use by five prominent ex-teammates (Jason Giambi, Juan Gonzalez, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro). Deep in the book, Canseco added some interesting names:

    (Page 218) "The simple fact is that Barry Bonds was definitely using steroids."

    (Page 201) "I don't know Sammy Sosa personally, so I can't say for a fact that he ever took steroids. But I remember thinking that his transformation looked even more dramatic than (Mark McGwire's)…"

    (Page 211) "I've never seen Roger Clemens do steroids, and he never told me that he did. But we've talked about what steroids could do for you, in which combinations… a lot of pitchers did steroids to keep up with the hitters…"

    Canseco also directly accuses four lesser known players as steroid users (on pages 263 through 266): Wilson Alvarez, Bret Boone, Dave Martinez, and Tony Saunders. The latter was a promising lefthanded pitcher who started a game for Florida during the 1997 World Series, but whose pitching arm shattered during a game with Tampa Bay.

    While Canseco also manages to cast doubts on 2002 Most Valuable Player Miguel Tejada and one-time 50-home run hitter Brady Anderson, there are exactly two players Canseco mentions by name as not using steroids. They’re underachieving outfielder Ben Grieve (page 183) and Yankee superstar shortstop Derek Jeter (page 185). Canseco can’t resist on Jeter, adding “if he had used steroids he’d be even better.”

    Of course, our author has not merely obsessed about steroid users of today. He’s also worried about the steroid users of tomorrow and thinks they'll be fully authorized and medically monitored. (page 2): "All those people crying about steroids in baseball now will look as foolish in a few years as the people who said John F. Kennedy was crazy to say the United States would put a man on the moon."

    And believe it or not, Juiced is about a lot more than just steroids. It's also about players bribing umpires (page 162): "Fans would be amazed just how far some players - especially pitchers, even the best of them - will go to try to stay on the good side of umpires. Roger Clemens… was always very conscientious about taking care of umpiring crews. One thing he would do was use his pull to get them on the best golf courses… Some players are constantly signing bats and balls for them, taking pictures with their kids - even sending them Christmas gifts, like sporting equipment ordered directly from whichever company they have an endorsement deal with."

    Jose also is good enough to take us off the field and show us the business of baseball, like during the 1994 player strike, which Canseco would've been happy to break (page 150): "That strike never should have happened, and it never would have happened if the owners had approached things intelligently. All they needed to do was find half a dozen influential players without guaranteed contracts who were willing to distance themselves from the stance of the Players Association. Those players could have brought other players along to their way of thinking… until the union was really in trouble. If the owners had approached me in the right way, I could have done it for them myself."

    Solving all of baseball’s business and chemical problems is a lot for one man. But it’s hardly all work and no play for our author. We learn about visiting friends (page 102): "Madonna gave me a tour of her house. We walked around for a few minutes and wound up in her bedroom… 'Sit down,' she told me. So I sat down. Who wouldn't? She hit the remote control on her VCR and started showing me parts of Truth or Dare, her documentary, which hadn't yet hit the theaters. I think you can guess which scene she showed me. It was the famous masturbation scene on that big bed… 'So what do you think?' she asked after the scene ended. I looked back at her for a minute. 'It's very interesting,' I told her."

    And Jose closes with good news for you youngsters just starting out on steroids (page 98): “One definite side effect of steroid use is the atrophying of your testicles. I can confirm that. Whatever size they start out, they will definitely shrink if you are taking steroids over a period of time. But here's the point I want to emphasize: what happens to your testes has nothing to do with any shrinking of the penis. That's a misconception. As a matter of fact, the reverse can be true. Using growth hormone can make yours bigger, and make you more easily aroused. So to the guys out there who are worried about their manhood, all I can say is: Growth hormone worked for me.”

    Jose’s supposed to join us on Countdown Wednesday night but there appears to be some problem with his schedule - either a medical issue, or he got a pungent phone call from Roger Clemens (see ‘steroids’ and ‘gifts to umpires,’ above).

    Thoughts? E-mail me at KOlbermann@msnbc.com
     
  2. musicman
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    musicman Senior Member

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    That sums up Canseco pretty well, I think:

    A big, useless dick with no balls.
     
  3. Adam's Apple
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    Adam's Apple Senior Member

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    Ha! Ha! Musicman, you're too much!

    When Canseco was big in baseball, he was idolized by all my nephews. He really wasn't much of a role model for them, I guess. I will have to see what they think about him now.
     

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