No one from my family showed at my son's baptism yesterday

[fuzzykitten99]

I just don't get this. I sent out the invitations 3 weeks in advance, with specific directions and my cell phone # in case of any questions. I knew my mom and dad could not come cuz my mom had strep and my dad is on heavy meds from injuring himself at work, so he could not drive. My grandparents are 3 hours away because they are settling their new home that was just put in. They are retiring next week, and moving, so I knew they wouldn't be able to make it well in advance, and I understood why.

But the rest of my relatives that I sent invitations to, NO ONE called, no one gave any response. The ceremony and reception were about an hour from the area where we live, but it is only an hour. It is actually less for a few of them because they live near me. the reason that I had it where I did was the pastor that married me & DH has his church up there, and he is a very good friend of my family. My IL's have a lakehome 15 minutes from the church, so it was convenient to have the reception there.

I am so hurt that no one showed up. Even if they had other plans, no one let me know. My aunts & uncles (dad's brother & sister, and their kids(my cousins), and their kids' kids(my 2nd cousins) ) tend not to RSVP, then show up anyway, so we assumed everyone was going to show up, since no one called us saying they weren't. They never RSVP'd for my wedding either, but they still showed.

DH and I bought $120 worth of food for yesterday, which we should not have spent the money on since we are saving for the closing of our first house, and we are strapped for money already.

Even if everyone would have called and said they would not come, at least we would not have spent that much on food. I had my ILs invite the neighbors in the lake area whom they knew, to help eat all the food that we bought.

I am so hurt over this, and I am conemplating whether or not I will even speak to them again. I know it sounds petty, but I and DH go to all their functions, no matter the distance. They couldn't come to mine? DH is so mad that he doesn't want to invite them to anything anymore, including holidays. I feel like doing the same thing, but I also feel that this would be over-reacting. I just feel so shafted and hurt. This was a big deal for me & DH, as well as my ILs. A batism may have been insignificant to them, but I went to all my family's ceremonies for it.

I don't know what to do. I feel like my events are not important enough for them to make any effort, so I want to not invite them to anything anymore, nor will I show up at any of their functions. I rarely see them anyway, but I do miss them. My uncle lives in the house I lived in with my grandma before she died. I was very close with my cousins before my grandma died, and after she did, we rarely saw each other. I miss them, but I am torn with this. Any advice?

 

[DKSuddeth]

did anyone RSVP?

 

[nycflasher]

I hear K-Mart is running a blue-light special on families...

j/k, don't mean to make light of your situation


Only advice I can offer is to make sure to let them know how hurt you were/are... if you don't it will eat away at you until you really don't want to have anything to do with them.

And to be cliche, it's those closest to us, often, that can hurt us the most.

good luck and sorry to hear it

 

[dmp]

I'd suggest copying what you wrote in an email/written letter to your family.

My wife and I often feel as the 'least important' among our siblings. Maybe it's us, but it seems as though ppl tend not to puch much effort into participating in our lives. We are about 45 minutes from most of them; yet that seems like 'just too far to drive'. Yet, we're expected to participate when THEY hold get-togethers; For the longest time, they'd have functions sunday evenings, starting late (5-6pm) and get upset if we didn't show up. I pleaded with them to change the timeframe. We lived (at the time) about 70 miles from most people. I had an hour + commute (50 miles each way) every morning; starting work at 0630 every day. Being so far away on a sunday evening meant little sleep for me.

I guess I said all that to say, remember: Your family now, is your husband and child(ren). Nobody else REALLY matters.

 

[dilloduck]

First "Congratulations to your family " and i wish your son the best. I obviously can't explain the absences but I would sit back and enjoy the meaning of the baptism and not condemn the rest.

 

[fuzzykitten99]

I'm still kind of teetering on not speaking to them again, but I think I will talk to my pastor (they guy who performed Nathan's baptism yesterday) and ask him what he thinks. He knows my family, and I have known him since I was 15.

Tim said that he will call them all tonight and see what they have to say.

I called my dad's brother and he said that he had planse for fishing opener, and he wasn't going to cancel. I said, "fine, if you had other plans, whatever, but the least you could do was pick up the phone and TELL me." He said that he's not going to feel guilty because he already had plans for that weekend. I told him that he "...must not have heard me the first time. I said, the least you could have done was pick-up-a-phone-and-TELL-me."

i was in tears by that time and I just hung up.

The cookout we had turned out to be fun anyway. We took Nathan out on his first boat ride on the lake. My IL's bought him his first life jacket. I know most of the neighbors that my IL's are friends with, because they have their primary homes here in the Cities, so we all had fun even though my family stiffed me. I was actually somewhat embarrassed because NONE of my family members showed or called.

As far as the RSVP thing, NO ONE did, except my parents, and my mom's brother, who was going OOT on business.

 

[5stringJeff]

fuzzy, I can understand your hurt. I think you are perfectly justified in calling your family and asking why they didn't even bother to RSVP. Maybe you will get stupid excuses like the one from your dad's brother. Maybe you will get an apology. But in the end, we are all called to be forgiving people. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't voice your concerns, or that you're justified in feeling how you do. But I think it would be counter-productive to stop speaking to your family over this.

 

[freeandfun1]

Their absence probably has more to do with the fact that the world views religion and religious ceremonies as not being worth a hoot! It is sad, but we have become a godless society.

Congrats though!

 

[dmp]

Originally posted by gop_jeff
fuzzy, I can understand your hurt. I think you are perfectly justified in calling your family and asking why they didn't even bother to RSVP. Maybe you will get stupid excuses like the one from your dad's brother. Maybe you will get an apology. But in the end, we are all called to be forgiving people. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't voice your concerns, or that you're justified in feeling how you do. But I think it would be counter-productive to stop speaking to your family over this.

Unless your family just really sucks. Like parts of mine; or is unrepentive. Forgive them - sure...but I'd hesitate putting your, or your kids' emotions on the line time and again.

 

[Zhukov]

You're obviously upset, so this must have meant alot too you. But if it meant so much, I wonder why you didn't follow up the letters by calling anyone to find out whether or not they'd show after receiving no responses.

Does this mean much to your family? Do you remember going to perhaps say a sibling's child's baptism and having the whole family there?

Sadly, what freeandfun says is true. Religious traditions are falling by the wayside. At the wedding I was at this weekend, there were easily three times more people at the reception than at the wedding.

I personally never thought baptisms were a big deal. I don't think I've ever even been to one (except, unfortunately, my own), and I've a nephew, a younger brother, and too many younger cousins to count. I will most likely be at my next nephew's baptism as I'm bound to be the godfather.

Having said all that and understanding it is tradition, I think baptisms should be reserved for people who understand the purpose of it anyways.

 

[Jackass]

Fuzzy...I would feel the same way you do. I personally would hold a very long grudge and make sure that they werent invited to any other functions for my kids.

I know people will say its stupid..but if mine nor my childrens feelings are important enough for a phone call then neither are they.

 

[Patriot]

Fuzzy,


Your dad's brother reflects the pathetic way our society handles invites these days. I have no problem with people having other plans but to NOT have the curtesy to call to let you know how much food to get is the one of the rudest things that really grates my nerves.


Now this is just my opinion you have to do whats right for you. But if that was my family I would say screw em all. If they have so little respect for you in this regard they will never have any respect for you in the future.

You have every right to be pissed to all hell. I say start to distance yourself from them and decline any of their invites in the near future. At least till you calm down. However I dont think these self absorbed people will ever get it.


So basically it comes down to what you are willing to accomodate from them. How much shit you put up with from them is your decision. And I do not think you are over reacting!

 

[UsaPride]

Oh sweety, I'm sorry no one showed!! Congrats to Nathan!!
My family doesn't RSVP either, they just show, so I would have never called and checked. Wow, to be standing in the Church and no one show, I'd been livid! Since I'm not very good at holding a drudge, I'd have to tell everyone how upset I am without them knowing I'm upset, you know?! Like, I'd write a "newsletter recap" type thing, telling how the day started and continued to go, but instead of saying anything mean like "my shithole family didn't even show up", put something like "my inlaws went to round up their family and friends to help eat all the food we bought since alot of invited people didn't show up". Of course, I may word it different, lol, this is just off the top of my head. My husband always says, "you can cuss someone out without them even knowing". That's what you need to do, then mail it off to everyone, you don't have to put their names, they know who they are, and hopefully they'll feel some guilt and call you to apologize. It's just an idea. I can't imagine never talking to my family again, but I can understand being pissed!
Good Luck sweety! When you go back to remember that joyful day, remember all the wonderful people that did show up and helped you celebrate, don't even feel bad that some didn't. Your son didn't miss them, and as long as he had fun, that's what counts, afterall, it was his day!

 

[janeeng]

I think I would feel the way you did. Putting out money on an event and hoping that family would be there, is a lot. This was a special time, a time to celebrate with your Son. I think I would take the advice of one of the other members and print out the post you wrote here and mail each one of the family members that didn't come a copy. Let them know how hurt you were. Doesn't mean that they will call and appologize, but atleast let them know how you feel about it.

In the end, just remember one thing, those of importance were the ones that attended. You, your Husband and your Son, were the most important, just would have been nice to share it.

It is not worth holding on to that hurt either, it could drive you crazy and in the end, are they really worth allowing you to feel that way?

Good Luck! but more so, congrats on you and your family!

 

[krisy]

Sorry to hear about this,kitten. Congrats to your son though and don't let anyone ruin your special time. I have found that as much as family might love you,they are not always there. Sometimes they might just forget. I called my dad a 2 weeks ago and told him we bought a house. He knows what a struggle it's been and I haven't heard a word from him-go figure. I don't think the intent is to hurt,but nonetheles,they do.

You may be a little nicer than me,but if I were you,I would bring it up cashually just mentioning something that happened next time you see them and they will probably feel like jerks.

Again don't let them ruin it,it happens to all of us-believe me. Good luck on your home as well-you must be excited!!

 

[Zebra]

I just don't get this. I sent out the invitations 3 weeks in advance, with specific directions and my cell phone # in case of any questions. I knew my mom and dad could not come cuz my mom had strep and my dad is on heavy meds from injuring himself at work, so he could not drive. My grandparents are 3 hours away because they are settling their new home that was just put in. They are retiring next week, and moving, so I knew they wouldn't be able to make it well in advance, and I understood why.

But the rest of my relatives that I sent invitations to, NO ONE called, no one gave any response. The ceremony and reception were about an hour from the area where we live, but it is only an hour. It is actually less for a few of them because they live near me. the reason that I had it where I did was the pastor that married me & DH has his church up there, and he is a very good friend of my family. My IL's have a lakehome 15 minutes from the church, so it was convenient to have the reception there.

I am so hurt that no one showed up. Even if they had other plans, no one let me know. My aunts & uncles (dad's brother & sister, and their kids(my cousins), and their kids' kids(my 2nd cousins) ) tend not to RSVP, then show up anyway, so we assumed everyone was going to show up, since no one called us saying they weren't. They never RSVP'd for my wedding either, but they still showed.

DH and I bought $120 worth of food for yesterday, which we should not have spent the money on since we are saving for the closing of our first house, and we are strapped for money already.

Even if everyone would have called and said they would not come, at least we would not have spent that much on food. I had my ILs invite the neighbors in the lake area whom they knew, to help eat all the food that we bought.

I am so hurt over this, and I am conemplating whether or not I will even speak to them again. I know it sounds petty, but I and DH go to all their functions, no matter the distance. They couldn't come to mine? DH is so mad that he doesn't want to invite them to anything anymore, including holidays. I feel like doing the same thing, but I also feel that this would be over-reacting. I just feel so shafted and hurt. This was a big deal for me & DH, as well as my ILs. A batism may have been insignificant to them, but I went to all my family's ceremonies for it.

I don't know what to do. I feel like my events are not important enough for them to make any effort, so I want to not invite them to anything anymore, nor will I show up at any of their functions. I rarely see them anyway, but I do miss them. My uncle lives in the house I lived in with my grandma before she died. I was very close with my cousins before my grandma died, and after she did, we rarely saw each other. I miss them, but I am torn with this. Any advice?

How do you feel now ..… after all these years?

and how is your son?

 

[DGS49]

Reading between the lines, I suspect the location had a lot to do with the no-shows. It's an hour away from where most guests live? That means TWO HOURS spent just in transportation, plus the baptism ceremony and the party. You are asking people to devote the better part of a full day to this event which is, in reality, not much of a big deal. It's important to the immediate family, but to others? Not so much. As for the RSVP's, did you make it clear in the invitations that you were planning an actual reception? Or might it have seemed like a very informal thing?

Still, I've had similar disappointments. Sometimes people just don't give these events the same level of importance as those actually experiencing them.

My wife has on her desk an invitation to a Bridal Shower, 800 miles away, for a couple of college-educated professionals who have been living together - they own a home together - for three years.

She ain't going. It's a farce. But to the woman and her mother...?