My shit list is BETTER than your shit list

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Jon, Jan 16, 2011.

  1. Jon
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    Jon The CPA

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    THE GHOST SHIT

    The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

    THE CLEAN SHIT

    The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but there's no shit on the toilet paper.

    THE WET SHIT

    You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels un-wiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't ruin them with skidmarks.

    THE SECOND WAVE SHIT

    This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.

    THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT

    Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit." You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

    THE CORN SHIT

    No explanation necessary.

    THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT

    The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

    THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT

    The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

    THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT

    The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

    THE WET CHEEKS SHIT

    Also known as the "Power Dump." The kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

    THE LIQUID SHIT

    The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, burns your tender poop-chute.

    THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT

    A class all its own.

    THE CROWD PLEASER

    A shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

    THE MOOD ENHANCER

    Occurring after a lengthy period of constipation, this shit allows you to be your old self again.

    THE RITUAL

    This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

    THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT

    A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

    THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT

    This shit has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

    THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT

    Any shit created in the presence of another person.

    THE GROANER

    A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

    THE FLOATER

    Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushings.

    THE RANGER

    A shit that refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a piece of toilet paper.

    THE PHANTOM SHIT

    Appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

    THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT

    Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.

    THE BOMBSHELL

    A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either Inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

    THE SNAKE CHARMER

    A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position... Usually harmless.

    THE OLYMPIC SHIT

    Occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.

    THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT

    This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

    THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT

    An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't shit.

    PREMEDITATED SHIT

    Laxative induced. Doesn't count.

    SHITZOPHRENIA

    Fear of shitting. Can be fatal! [Editor's note: shouldn't it be "Shitzophobia"?]

    ENERGIZER vs. DURACELL SHIT

    Also known as a "Still Going" shit.

    THE POWER DUMP SHIT

    The kind that comes out so fast, you've barely got your pants down and you're done.

    THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT

    This shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log shit.)

    THE SPINAL TAP SHIT

    The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

    THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT

    Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

    THE PORRIDGE SHIT

    The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

    THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT

    When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

    THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT

    When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

    THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT

    Also sometimes known as The Toxic Dump. Of course, you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

    THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT

    You sit there patiently, waiting for the last cling-on to fall because if you wipe now, it's just going to smear all over the place.
     
  2. Big Fitz
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    Big Fitz User Quit *****

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    Oh thank you SO much for this. So to return the favor...

    Rate My Poo

    WARNING... This is NOT for the easily grossed out. I shit thee not. Don't ask how I came across this, I wish I hadn't, but I must share the pain now.
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2011
  3. Sarah G
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    Sarah G When Nothing Goes Right, Go Left Supporting Member

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    Ick. :cranky:

    Maybe post this here:

    http://www.usmessageboard.com/echo-zulus-rep-fest-zone/150869-i-dont-give-out-much-rep.html

    Xotoxi might like it and rep you.
     
  4. Big Black Dog
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    Big Black Dog Gold Member Supporting Member

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    I've never read so much about shit in my whole life...
     
  5. Big Fitz
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    Big Fitz User Quit *****

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    it's just fun to shoot the shit isnt it?
     
  6. avos
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    avos Member

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    Corn shit is corn shit. Nuff said. :lol::lol:
     
  7. Cuyo
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    Cuyo Training a Guineapig army

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    Aww gross! And no I would NOT describe myself as "Easily grossed out."

    My own? Fine. But someone elses? Didn't realize how little experience I had with it till now...
    :puke3:
     
  8. Big Fitz
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    Big Fitz User Quit *****

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    Warned ya man. I blame my ex wife for saying "Honey, come check this out!" and then not warning me. Seared that into my brain so bad even poking out my mind's eye won't stop it.
     

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