My New Doctor

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Toro, Jun 26, 2009.

  1. Toro

    Toro Diamond Member

    Sep 29, 2005
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    Surfing the Oceans of Liquidity
    I highly recommend him.

    Q: Doctor, *I've heard that *cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your *heart is only good for so many *beats, and that's it... *don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out *eventually. *Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend *the life of your car by driving it faster. *Want to live longer? Take a *nap. *

    Q: Should *I cut *down on meat and *eat more fruits and *vegetables?
    A: You *must grasp *logistical efficiencies. *What does a cow eat? * Hay and corn. * And what are these? *Vegetables. *So a steak *is nothing more *than an efficient mechanism of *delivering vegetables to your *system. * Need grain? * Eat *chicken. * Beef is also a good source *of field grass *(green leafy vegetable). * And a pork chop can *give you *100% of your recommended daily allowance of *vegetable *products.

    Q: Should *I reduce my *alcohol intake? *
    A: *No, *not at all. *Wine is made from *fruit. *Brandy is *distilled wine, *that means they take the water out of *the fruity bit so you *get even more of the goodness that *way. * Beer is also made out *of grain. *Bottoms up!

    Q: How *can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, *if you have a body and you have *fat, your ratio is one *to one. *If you have two bodies, your *ratio is two to *one, etc.
    Q: What *are some of *the advantages of participating in a regular *exercise *program?
    A: Can't *think of a single one, sorry. *My *philosophy is: No *Pain...Good!
    Q: *Aren't *fried *foods bad for you? *
    A: *YOU'RE *NOT *LISTENING!!! .....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. *In fact, *they're permeated in it. *How could *getting more vegetables be bad for *you?**
    Q: *Will *sit-ups *help prevent me from getting a little soft *around *the middle?
    A: Definitely *not! When *you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You *should only be *doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.**
    Q: *Is chocolate bad for me? *
    A: *Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa *beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
    Q: *Is swimming good for your figure? *
    A: *If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
    Q: *Is getting * in-shape important for my lifestyle? *
    A: *Hey! *'Round' is *a shape! *

    Well, * I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about *food and diets.

    And *remember:
    'Life should *NOT *be a journey to the grave with the intention of *arriving *safely in an attractive and well preserved *body, but rather *to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one *hand - chocolate in *the other - body thoroughly used up, *totally worn out and screaming 'WOO *HOO, What a *Ride' *
    AND.....For *those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final *word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the *truth after all those conflicting nutritional *studies. *

    1. The Japanese eat *very little fat and suffer*fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    2. The Mexicans *eat a lot of *fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
    3. The Chinese *drink very little *red wine and *suffer fewer heart attacks than*Americans.
    4. The *Italians drink a lot of red *wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.**
    5. The Germans*drink a lot of beers and eat lots of *sausages and fats *and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


    Eat and drink what you like.* Speaking English is apparently what kills*you.
  2. Sarah G

    Sarah G When Nothing Goes Right, Go Left Supporting Member

    Mar 4, 2009
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    NW Ohio
    That was pretty funny. Someone sent it to me in email recently.
  3. JBeukema

    JBeukema BANNED

    Apr 23, 2009
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    everywhere and nowhere
    very funnny

    but cocoas beans ate the seeds from the fruit ;)

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