my mother has alzheimer's

[strollingbones]

my mother's doctor called me the other day...seems she lied totally...she cancelled the neuro appt...and HAS NOT been on meds....how she faked being better is beyond me...she did seem so much better...she has alzheimer's. I said it aloud for the first time today..she is on the aricept patch. i call her daily to remind her to put the damn thing on and take the old one off. i am not sure where i am right now...kinda in shock. not sure where to go from here...i am going to go see her and ask her..what do you want me to do...when push comes to shove..right now it sucks being an only child.

so there i have said it....i am trying to make this real..my mother has alzheimer's and suddenly i feel like i have to grow up..i got no clue where i am going or what is gonna happen....all i know is i have to take care of my mother, that is all that really matters at this point...trying to get the meds to work so she can continue to live on her own as long as possible...and i know the meds are just a stop gap thing...that this is a progressive disease... her father had it.

so i welcome any advice or guidance...sure i am terrified...the first day i just shut down...but i got to face this. i cant hide...and i sure the hell want to...i want to crawl inside somewhere safe and pretend this isnt happening...but it is...and i have to deal with it. i feel so inadequate.

 

[Setarcos]

Enjoy the time you have with her while you can

that's all I can say

 

[Ravi]

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that...

 

[Annie]

I'm so sorry, Bones. I may not be totally up to date with Alzheimer's, but last I knew a definitive diagnosis of it couldn't be given until autopsy? In any case, seems dementia of one type or another is evident. My mom didn't have Alzheimer's, but strokes caused dementia of a certain degree. I may be able to help you in dealing with it, pm me. It's very hard, but very worth it. I wish I'd reached out more when it started.

Prayers are with you and her.

 

[Si modo]

Enjoy the lucid times.

I'm sorry, Bones.

It will be a very bumpy road, so make sure you make time for yourself with others.

 

[chanel]

I'm so.sorry Bones. I have a few friends that have gone thru it and it can be all-consuming. Try to get help for her. Is there a visiting nurses agency nearby?

 

[xotoxi]

I'm sorry bones.

Get her to take the med which may help slow the memory loss somewhat and keep her out of the home. I don't think that Aricept has a patch...maybe Excelon?

I have never used that before...I use Aricept. Unless the patch is a once weekly patch, I would think it to be more difficult to remember changing a patch than it would be taking a pill out of a pill box.

But best of luck. There really is no right or wrong answer other than to just make sure that she remains safe when at home and to keep in your mind that you have to be realistic when it is time for her to move on to a different living situation.

My g-mother lived in her home with my aunt for a few years as her Alzheimers progressed. The stove was left on several times. The car was totalled. The final straw was when my aunt returned home to find grammy sitting out on the front steps of the house without a jacket in Massachusetts in February. And the door was unlocked.

When things like that happen, you have to realize that it is time to change things, no matter how much you don't want to.

 

[xotoxi]

I'm so sorry, Bones. I may not be totally up to date with Alzheimer's, but last I knew a definitive diagnosis of it couldn't be given until autopsy? In any case, seems dementia of one type or another is evident. My mom didn't have Alzheimer's, but strokes caused dementia of a certain degree. I may be able to help you in dealing with it, pm me. It's very hard, but very worth it. I wish I'd reached out more when it started.

Prayers are with you and her.

you are right about the diagnosis of Alzheimers. But studies have shown that most people with dementia have Alzheimers, and Alzheimers tends to follow a specific pattern of dementia - a gradual smooth decline of memory over time. Your mom likely had vascular dementia which usually has a series of rapid declines separated by periods of stability. Essentially, segments of the brain intermittently die due to lack of blood flow, causing downward steps.

 

[Ravi]

My granny had it too, she lived with my aunt for a few years and I used to go sit with her so my aunt could go out. Be practical...find out what her insurance covers and use it for in home help or whatever comes next. You probably are on her bank account, mortgage, etc...but if not, now is the time to do that.

Jeesh, I wish I could give you a hug.

 

[Annie]

I'm so sorry, Bones. I may not be totally up to date with Alzheimer's, but last I knew a definitive diagnosis of it couldn't be given until autopsy? In any case, seems dementia of one type or another is evident. My mom didn't have Alzheimer's, but strokes caused dementia of a certain degree. I may be able to help you in dealing with it, pm me. It's very hard, but very worth it. I wish I'd reached out more when it started.

Prayers are with you and her.

you are right about the diagnosis of Alzheimers. But studies have shown that most people with dementia have Alzheimers, and Alzheimers tends to follow a specific pattern of dementia - a gradual smooth decline of memory over time. Your mom likely had vascular dementia which usually has a series of rapid declines separated by periods of stability. Essentially, segments of the brain intermittently die due to lack of blood flow, causing downward steps.

I'm not that great at bio, but I understood enough to realize unlike Alzheimer's she was 'lucky' in being able to 'rewire' some of the synapses. She was so smart, well-read, and thirsted for knowledge her whole life. Where she once read 3 newspapers a day, towards the end it took here hours to read one. However, she could and insisted in discussing what she read. She couldn't handle money, but knew enough to know that she'd become quite the 'spendthrift' and told my dad he had the money and she now wanted to have what she wanted. LOL! She went for 'cheaper' catalogues, she hadn't lost that much.

She kept her sense of humor, though not necessarily with my dad. Her frustrations for the most part were taken out on him. She knew everyone from friends to family. Alzheimer's robs the victims and family of that.

So, IMHO, there are differences, though dementia is part of both.

 

[strollingbones]

thanks yall...she lives 200 miles from me...and has refused to move...there is a nice facility...as nice as they can be...near me...moving her is gonna be hell..but xox is right..her safety is the thing that i am concerned about....she doesnt drive much....yea that is scarey.. that she drives at all...

i dont even know where to start...xox i will start with calling medical people tomorrow and find out exactly what she is on...they said aricept...and patch...i noted that most of aricpet comes in pills...i will find out tomorrow..i am going all scarlett this week...i will deal with it tomorrow...

it would help if the man didnt just look at me...like i was made of glass and will break into a million pieces...i guess the spontaneous crying is spooking him.

a friend is going thru this...his father slipped away long ago and now has cancer..the doctors have told him his father wouldnt understand the pain of the treatments etc. to let go..so it could be worse..the irony....what do you wish for now? i know that sounds so mean and hateful etc...but do i wish for her to live a long shell of a life? or do i wish a quick death for my mother? either way i am gonna be guilty as shit.

they ...the they we all know..are talking too fast for me...guardianship...protection...what is best for her...i talk to her..she just cusses...

me: mom i know you are hiding that you have been told you have alzheimer's.

her: fuck

me: we have to deal with this.

her: damn it

its not going well...but she has to accept that she cant hide this....and i keep telling her it will be okay.
even when i know its not gonna be.

what kinda 79 yr old says fuck? what is with that???

 

[strollingbones]

she has had mri's etc. no stroke.

ravi you are sounding like the "they" i am suffering from future shock right now....all the things that must be done....esp when i know this ....no way she is gonna sign anything giving me guardianship...no way....i have a durable power of attorney....whatever the hell that is...i wished i had paid more attention to all that crap...the living will...the talking heads....

and i have to get down there....

 

[Annie]

thanks yall...she lives 200 miles from me...and has refused to move...there is a nice facility...as nice as they can be...near me...moving her is gonna be hell..but xox is right..her safety is the thing that i am concerned about....she doesnt drive much....yea that is scarey.. that she drives at all...

i dont even know where to start...xox i will start with calling medical people tomorrow and find out exactly what she is on...they said aricept...and patch...i noted that most of aricpet comes in pills...i will find out tomorrow..i am going all scarlett this week...i will deal with it tomorrow...

it would help if the man didnt just look at me...like i was made of glass and will break into a million pieces...i guess the spontaneous crying is spooking him.

a friend is going thru this...his father slipped away long ago and now has cancer..the doctors have told him his father wouldnt understand the pain of the treatments etc. to let go..so it could be worse..the irony....what do you wish for now? i know that sounds so mean and hateful etc...but do i wish for her to live a long shell of a life? or do i wish a quick death for my mother? either way i am gonna be guilty as shit.

they ...the they we all know..are talking too fast for me...guardianship...protection...what is best for her...i talk to her..she just cusses...

me: mom i know you are hiding that you have been told you have alzheimer's.

her: fuck

me: we have to deal with this.

her: damn it

its not going well...but she has to accept that she cant hide this....and i keep telling her it will be okay.
even when i know its not gonna be.

what kinda 79 yr old says fuck? what is with that???

Bones, why would us 50 somethings think our parents hadn't heard of the f word? Truth is, she's scared, probably even more than you are. Imagine how that must be? If you are glass, she's crystal. She knows enough, but is scared of what she doesn't. Horrible place to be.

 

[Ravi]

Try not to let guilt trip you up. None of this is your fault and you'll do the best you can.

 

[strollingbones]

i know she is scared...that is the one thing i cant change no matter how hard i try...did i mention she has a temper?

the worse part..the "they" have wanted me to make a move for a while now...but i have tried hard to let her be as independant as possible...and i really dont wanna hear the bunch of "they" i just want to tell them all to fuck themselves....i know "they" are just giving me the advice "they" are paid to give.
her siblings ran their mouths till my son told them to shut up..wasnt their problem didnt care for their input. and i called them and told them how much better she was...etc etc etc..she seemed so much better....talk about wanting something so bad or she is just as wicked and crafty as i give her credit for.

 

[Ringel05]

thanks yall...she lives 200 miles from me...and has refused to move...there is a nice facility...as nice as they can be...near me...moving her is gonna be hell..but xox is right..her safety is the thing that i am concerned about....she doesnt drive much....yea that is scarey.. that she drives at all...

i dont even know where to start...xox i will start with calling medical people tomorrow and find out exactly what she is on...they said aricept...and patch...i noted that most of aricpet comes in pills...i will find out tomorrow..i am going all scarlett this week...i will deal with it tomorrow...

it would help if the man didnt just look at me...like i was made of glass and will break into a million pieces...i guess the spontaneous crying is spooking him.

a friend is going thru this...his father slipped away long ago and now has cancer..the doctors have told him his father wouldnt understand the pain of the treatments etc. to let go..so it could be worse..the irony....what do you wish for now? i know that sounds so mean and hateful etc...but do i wish for her to live a long shell of a life? or do i wish a quick death for my mother? either way i am gonna be guilty as shit.

they ...the they we all know..are talking too fast for me...guardianship...protection...what is best for her...i talk to her..she just cusses...

me: mom i know you are hiding that you have been told you have alzheimer's.

her: fuck

me: we have to deal with this.

her: damn it

its not going well...but she has to accept that she cant hide this....and i keep telling her it will be okay.
even when i know its not gonna be.

what kinda 79 yr old says fuck? what is with that???

My mom, when she's being nice! (Just kidding mom).
It's a tough road and I wish you the best. You are frazzled right now but from what I've read in your posts and you seem to be the type who has that hidden inner strength that comes out when things get rough, come on, you deal with us all the time! God bless.

 

[Annie]

thanks yall...she lives 200 miles from me...and has refused to move...there is a nice facility...as nice as they can be...near me...moving her is gonna be hell..but xox is right..her safety is the thing that i am concerned about....she doesnt drive much....yea that is scarey.. that she drives at all...

i dont even know where to start...xox i will start with calling medical people tomorrow and find out exactly what she is on...they said aricept...and patch...i noted that most of aricpet comes in pills...i will find out tomorrow..i am going all scarlett this week...i will deal with it tomorrow...

it would help if the man didnt just look at me...like i was made of glass and will break into a million pieces...i guess the spontaneous crying is spooking him.

a friend is going thru this...his father slipped away long ago and now has cancer..the doctors have told him his father wouldnt understand the pain of the treatments etc. to let go..so it could be worse..the irony....what do you wish for now? i know that sounds so mean and hateful etc...but do i wish for her to live a long shell of a life? or do i wish a quick death for my mother? either way i am gonna be guilty as shit.

they ...the they we all know..are talking too fast for me...guardianship...protection...what is best for her...i talk to her..she just cusses...

me: mom i know you are hiding that you have been told you have alzheimer's.

her: fuck

me: we have to deal with this.

her: damn it

its not going well...but she has to accept that she cant hide this....and i keep telling her it will be okay.
even when i know its not gonna be.

what kinda 79 yr old says fuck? what is with that???

My mom, when she's being nice! (Just kidding mom).
It's a tough road and I wish you the best. You are frazzled right now but from what I've read in your posts and you seem to be the type who has that hidden inner strength that comes out when things get rough, come on, you deal with us all the time! God bless.

I must agree with this poster, Bones, you have the fortitude to do the best possible. Mistakes along the way? Well sure, but what road doesn't have those?

 

[goldcatt]

she has had mri's etc. no stroke.

ravi you are sounding like the "they" i am suffering from future shock right now....all the things that must be done....esp when i know this ....no way she is gonna sign anything giving me guardianship...no way....i have a durable power of attorney....whatever the hell that is...i wished i had paid more attention to all that crap...the living will...the talking heads....

and i have to get down there....

Wherever you go that you need to find out anything at all, whether it's her bank or her insurance company or whatever, just flash them that durable power of attorney. Make sure you take the original with you the first time, let them make a copy of it and make sure you get the original back. It won't help with the situation much, but at least you won't have to fight with your mom for cooperation while you're sorting everything out. That's something.
It's one day at a time from here out, bones. I lost two grandparents to Alzheimer's, and there's no easy answer. I'll be thinking about you.

 

[Sunni Man]

what kinda 79 yr old says fuck? what is with that???

LOL!!! now I know where you get your spunkiness from Bones

Heck, I bet you will say that word at 99 and really freak people out!!


On a serious note; Bones you are good ole country gal who can handle anything.

I know it will be tough, but my money is on you!!

 

[Annie]

i know she is scared...that is the one thing i cant change no matter how hard i try...did i mention she has a temper?

the worse part..the "they" have wanted me to make a move for a while now...but i have tried hard to let her be as independant as possible...and i really dont wanna hear the bunch of "they" i just want to tell them all to fuck themselves....i know "they" are just giving me the advice "they" are paid to give.
her siblings ran their mouths till my son told them to shut up..wasnt their problem didnt care for their input. and i called them and told them how much better she was...etc etc etc..she seemed so much better....talk about wanting something so bad or she is just as wicked and crafty as i give her credit for.

Again, I can't 'step into your shoes', seems while we both dealt or are dealing with tough choices, mine were always with the idea of staying true to my mom, while taking into account the limitations. She couldn't have 15 pairs of shoes, 12 of which she couldn't safely wear. While her temper would be directed to my dad, I stepped in and told her the choices were impractical. She'd listen to me, not my dad. Yet, it was his lap she curled up on 9/11 and the Christmas after. Good memories there.

I guess that's what it's all about, doing the best you can, with no good choices.