My girlfriend's X lives with her parents... what do I do?

[L.K.Eder]

3some

BBG?

That's gay.

i am offering a solution. this guy needs help.

 

[Madeline]

3some

BBG?

That's gay.

i am offering a solution. this guy needs help.

What he is describing is eerily similar to the childhood of Ted Bundy.

 

[Paulie]

BBG?

That's gay.

i am offering a solution. this guy needs help.

What he is describing is eerily similar to the childhood of Ted Bundy.

Oh give me a fucking break.

It's just another story of baby daddy drama, which is rampant in today's day.

 

[del]

run away




now

 

[Mr.Fitnah]

Wow, a guy with no job, no car and no place to live!


WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








I bet he has chicks all over him, so no worries dude!

They buy him tattoos and 40s.Time to move on child unless you want to be paying child support to pay for those tattoos .

 

[Madeline]

i am offering a solution. this guy needs help.

What he is describing is eerily similar to the childhood of Ted Bundy.

Oh give me a fucking break.

It's just another story of baby daddy drama, which is rampant in today's day.

We know quite a bit about the effect of constantly-morphing family roles on young children, Paulie. This "it's a guest -- not it's Mommy's boyfriend -- no it's your Daddy -- not it's a roommate" routine is TERRIBLE for a little kid to have to live with. Grandpa and Grandma need their heads examined.

10 Weird Facts About Ted Bundy’s Childhood | Quazen

 

[strollingbones]

is it just me....or is it rather obvious she is playing you for a sucker?

as far as the child...isnt it his? he has ever right to have a relationship with his son.....as for the inlaws...honey y ou got rebound guy written all over you...

be gone.....just be gone....vanish into the dust

 

[CMike]

Time for a new girlfriend.

 

[BasicGreatGuy]

So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. Her X-husband just moved back to Michigan from Wyoming, where he's been living the last 4 months. They have a son together, who has been living with her. He has no job, no car, and no home, so he lives with her parents... or just until he can "get on his feet." He is invited by her Mom and Dad to family get-togethers. He babysits her 3-year-old son, as well as her 3 other neices. He drives her car sometimes, as well as her Mom's car. She sees him everyday. Her son has intensely attached himself to him lately because he's been gone for so long.

This whole situation makes me very uncomfortable. I don't like the amount of time she sees him, or that he lives with her family. How long should I let this go on? He grew up right here, his Mom, Sister, and friends all live in the same town, but he and his Mom don't get along, she doesn't even know he's in town, or that he ever went to Wyoming. My feelings are... that's not her parents problem. But they love him, in spite of being a total loser. They feed him. He and she lived with her parents for a year, separated, before he moved to Wyoming. He has no girlfriend, and told her he envies me.

Does anyone else think this is wierd??? Any advice out there as to what she or I can do about this situation?

You left out a lot of pertinent details. As such, it is not easy to give sound advice.

1) What was the cause for the divorce? Did he ask or did she?

2) Did your girlfriend file for child support against the father?

2) Who has legal custody of the child?

3) What is the visitation agreement (if any) between the parents?

4) Who's idea was it to have the ex husband live with the family, and what was the reasoning behind that?

5) How does your girlfriend feel about her ex husband, not to mention relationships in general right now?

6) How many relationships has she been in since her divorce?

7) Is she gainfully employed?

8) Has she ever been on her own, without being in a relationship? Is she currently in a place in her life, where she can take care of herself and her child, without depending (financially) on her family or you?

9) What are you looking for in this relationship?

In my opinion, the answer to some of these questions are what you need to be asking yourself right now.

I realize that every person and situation is different. However, I have some general thoughts to share with you, in regards to this subject matter. These thoughts are applicable to both sexes. Whether some, or all, of these thoughts apply to either one of you, is for you to decide.

If a person has had a pattern of never being alone, going from one relationship to another, that is often a red flag. The reason it is often a red flag, is because often times, a person with this kind of history sees, and relies on, a relationship as a meaning for and sole foundation of self-worth. Their individual identity and balance is replaced with the collective identity of the relationship. As such, whatever problems or struggles the individual may have and brought to the relationship, are often suppressed so that the collective identity of the relationship is not questioned or threatened, by facing "baggage" that has been carried around from one relationship to another. And when situations arise, denial and blame are often the instruments used to try and push the problem back down under the surface, or used as some kind of martyr defense, of which they played a willing role in, for whatever reason.

Another reason the aforementioned can be a red flag, is because often times, a person in that type of scenario is unable (in whatever degree) to fully embrace their partner and their relationship. One failed collective relationship after another has given them more and more baggage to carry around. And with that comes lack of inner happiness and self-worth, because they cannot or will not separate their individualism and identity from that of the relationship. Essentially, such a scenario creates an unbalanced and unhealthy relationship. At times, we all need to take the time to reflect and heal from our part in a broken relationship. Failure to do that is a recipe for disaster in future relationships, in my opinion.

The other issue that is worthy of consideration, is boundaries. You have made it known, that you are not happy with what you perceive to be a lack of proper boundaries with the family, the ex husband, your girlfriend, and yourself. Is there a lack of proper boundaries due to a deeper unresolved dynamic between the family, girlfriend and ex husband that is apart from the child, or is this a matter of your position feeling unappreciated and disrespected by her? If it is the latter, you need to find out if the ugly monster of jealousy is roaring, or there are genuine concerns to reflect upon and discuss with your girlfriend. If after talking with your her, you believe it to be the former and not the latter, that is a huge red flag, in my opinion. Moving forward in that light assures you of an unhappy and dysfunctional relationship.

There are several layers and dynamics involved here. No one can give you a single answer nor should they. When you get involved with a lady, you are also getting involved with the family. And in this case, an ex husband and child as well. There is a lot for you to consider. I wish you the best.

 

[HUGGY]

So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. Her X-husband just moved back to Michigan from Wyoming, where he's been living the last 4 months. They have a son together, who has been living with her. He has no job, no car, and no home, so he lives with her parents... or just until he can "get on his feet." He is invited by her Mom and Dad to family get-togethers. He babysits her 3-year-old son, as well as her 3 other neices. He drives her car sometimes, as well as her Mom's car. She sees him everyday. Her son has intensely attached himself to him lately because he's been gone for so long.

This whole situation makes me very uncomfortable. I don't like the amount of time she sees him, or that he lives with her family. How long should I let this go on? He grew up right here, his Mom, Sister, and friends all live in the same town, but he and his Mom don't get along, she doesn't even know he's in town, or that he ever went to Wyoming. My feelings are... that's not her parents problem. But they love him, in spite of being a total loser. They feed him. He and she lived with her parents for a year, separated, before he moved to Wyoming. He has no girlfriend, and told her he envies me.

Does anyone else think this is wierd??? Any advice out there as to what she or I can do about this situation?

She puts up with this? You are a fool. Many fish in the sea...move on.

 

[judyd]

The ages of the exes was not mentioned, but I think that is important to the story. There is a big difference between a 20 year old or a 30 year old, if you're going to refer to someone as a loser. If he's very young, I can certainly see her parents trying to help him out. If he didn't have a great relationship with his own parents, he probably needs someone to help him get started. And, even with the best credentials, it is difficult to find work these days.

You also have to consider that they were married --so obviously they had a close relationship at one time. People usually get over their anger once a relationship has ended, but still maintain a bond, especially since they have a child.

 

[CrusaderFrank]

Have neighborhood drug dealers come by and ask for the BF.

 

[CrusaderFrank]

Oh, snap, order up some transsexual prostitutes like 2 or 3 at a time under the BF's name and have them come to the parents house too! But only do it when you know the parents are home

 

[ekrem]

So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now. Her X-husband just moved back to Michigan from Wyoming, where he's been living the last 4 months. They have a son together, who has been living with her. He has no job, no car, and no home, so he lives with her parents... or just until he can "get on his feet." He is invited by her Mom and Dad to family get-togethers. He babysits her 3-year-old son, as well as her 3 other neices. He drives her car sometimes, as well as her Mom's car. She sees him everyday. Her son has intensely attached himself to him lately because he's been gone for so long.

This whole situation makes me very uncomfortable. I don't like the amount of time she sees him, or that he lives with her family. How long should I let this go on? He grew up right here, his Mom, Sister, and friends all live in the same town, but he and his Mom don't get along, she doesn't even know he's in town, or that he ever went to Wyoming. My feelings are... that's not her parents problem. But they love him, in spite of being a total loser. They feed him. He and she lived with her parents for a year, separated, before he moved to Wyoming. He has no girlfriend, and told her he envies me.

Does anyone else think this is wierd??? Any advice out there as to what she or I can do about this situation?

I got it this way, that your girlfriend lives at parents' home and the ex-friend of her also.
Probably she spends more time with him, then with you. If you really like her, you must figure a way where you interact with her more (time) then the ex-friend does with her.
You must elicit her from her house at every opprtunity, maybe ask her to sleep in your house if there is already such trust between both of you after 3 months dating.
Telephone conversations suck.

While trying to achieve this you will probably be too nice to her, risking a behaviour to read all her wishes from her lips. Nice guy. Or being too obtrusive to elicit her out of the house.
If the ex-friend is backed by her parents your only chance is, that she moves into your house. If you think, this will not work, then try to decrease your feeling for her but don't send her into desert if you are already beyond the point of just kissing after 3 months.
You are a man and you have some sort of relationship where you can have fun. I know this sounds easy, it is not.

And don't talk with her about this situation, that the whole situation puts you under stress.
If you talk with her about this situation, your relationship will transform into an instrument for her to process her questions/doubts she is witnessing at home - about him. Don't talk with her about him, she is probably already under the push of her parents about the ex-friend and already has some questions/doubts in her brain. You will be her girl-friend she cries her heart out.

You must convince her that she moves into your house.

 

[Big Black Dog]

If I were you, I would take a deep breath and tell your girlfriend that the time has come to say "Thanks but No Thanks". This is not a good situation for you to be in. Dude, you are being taken for a ride and it's going to be a one-way ride at that. Slip quietly, and forever, out of the picture and find somebody that doesn't have so much baggage and who is sincere about wanting you, and only you, for a boyfriend. This picture has ugly painted all over it. Get out now.

 

[ekrem]

If you really care for your new GF, and see a life together - make friends with her Ex. (...)

If you don't like her ex-friend, don't make friendship to him.
He is a competitor. Keep him out of the relationship between you and her.

 

[ConHog]

I think i'd just get out. You're certainly not going to get her kid's dad out of her life, and frankly you're scum if you try.

 

[ekrem]

If you don't like her ex-friend, don't make friendship to him.
He is a competitor. Keep him out of the relationship between you and her.

You already have problems with your mortgage and the rising poverty and jobless-rate in your neighbourhood.
First priority should be, that she moves into your house if you really like her that much.
This must be your goal, and every step you do must contribute to that goal. Everyday she spends time with the ex-friend and parents probably play a game to your disadvantage.
Don't accept an other solution, otherwise the ex-friend issue will drive you crazy you already came to a message-board to seek help.

 

[judyd]

If you don't like her ex-friend, don't make friendship to him.
He is a competitor. Keep him out of the relationship between you and her.

You already have problems with your mortgage and the rising poverty and jobless-rate in your neighbourhood.
First priority should be, that she moves into your house if you really like her that much.
This must be your goal, and every step you do must contribute to that goal. Everyday she spends time with the ex-friend and parents probably play a game to your disadvantage.
Don't accept an other solution, otherwise the ex-friend issue will drive you crazy you already came to a message-board to seek help.

An ex-husband is hardly an "ex-friend" as you continue to refer to him.

A married relationship is a lot different than a friendship. This couple sounds like they were very young, and the parents realized that and are giving a helping hand to the guy. He doesn't sound like a middle-aged loser at all.

The "boyfriend" should keep out of it. If the couple can make it work, for the sake of their child, that's what's important. Not the boyfriend's feelings.

 

[ekrem]

The "boyfriend" should keep out of it. If the couple can make it work, for the sake of their child, that's what's important. Not the boyfriend's feelings.

But not the ex-husband has opened this thread on usmb.com but the current boyfriend. This was all about his perspective.