Human History:
Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began
some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the
sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Division of the human family into 2 distinct political groups began
some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer & the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2 distinct subgroups:
Liberals & Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to
be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were
formed.
Some men spent their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
"the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the
sewing, fetching & hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal
movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girlymen.'
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, & French food are standard liberal fare. Another
interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood & group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat & still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works
productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers & decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
