Knock, knock

[Two Thumbs]

Who's there?

Heated week

Heated week who?

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Time for some jokes.

Time for some jokes who?



Us

It's been a heated week full of finger pointing and some nasty threads. So since it's TGIF, I thought I'd lighten the mood a little with inviting everyone to post jokes, links to funny stories, toss in some irony and sarcasm and I think we will all have a good time.

After all;

"Laughter is the best medicine."----- some dude I don't know (or my Dad, he said that a lot)

Man Has Camera Screwed Into Head - Bing Videos

I can't make that up.

Fox shoots hunter who wounded it - World news - Weird news - msnbc.com
I have a thread on this one, but the Irony makes it a must share.

For "Rat in the Hat"

I don't give a Bidens 5 head what people do with your ass.

Yall's turn. Have fun!

 

[California Girl]

Y'all need to learn where to post 'funny' stuff. It's called the 'humor' forum... just sayin'.

 

[Two Thumbs]

Y'all need to learn where to post 'funny' stuff. It's called the 'humor' forum... just sayin'.

Thanks.

I had this idea, and while I was scrolling down for a place to put it, the General section caught my eye first.

just checked humor section. It's where threads go to die.

 

[Baruch Menachem]

There once was a curate of Crue
who kept a cat in a pew
He said "I will endeavor to seek
to tech it some greek"
but he never got further than Mu.

 

[Two Thumbs]

There once was a curate of Crue
who kept a cat in a pew
He said "I will endeavor to seek
to tech it some greek"
but he never got further than Mu.

"Mu"

 

[PoliticalChic]

Who's there?

Yall's turn. Have fun!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe
my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the stakes are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Two Thumbs]

Who's there?

Yall's turn. Have fun!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe
my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the stakes are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Those are some good ones





and some groaners

 

[Two Thumbs]

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Out of all the jokers on USMB only 3 people put up some jokes?

And these 2 ladies were some of the LAST people I expected jokes from!

*tsk tsk* fellas, you gonna let these to brainy ladies out do us?

 

[Baruch Menachem]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.


But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

 

[Two Thumbs]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.


But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.

Love that old rhyme.

Wish I could remember the dirty version my sister taught me.

 

[Liability]

Who's there?

Yall's turn. Have fun!

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad, or maybe
my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the stakes are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

I printed them out to share with my children. They are too cool for the room and will lambaste me for my efforts, but they will enjoy most of them anyway. No way they will admit it.

 

[Liability]

There once was a man from Nantucket
whose cock was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped off his chin
if my ear was a **** I would fuck it.


Welcome to what may be the ONLY message board in the USA that would permit this dirty limerick to be posted without banning the one who posted it.

No! I said WITHOUT banning the one wh....

 

[Jeremy]

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Hello, I would like to be castrated."

"That's a lifechanging operation," says the doctor. "Are you sure you want to do it?"

"yes," says the man. "and if you refuse I'll go to another doctor."

"OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my advice."



So the man has his operation and he's walking around the hospital the next day with a bandage around his private area. Suddenly, he sees another man with the same thing. So he walks up to him and says, "Good afternoon, I see we got the same operation."

"Yes," says the other man, looking happy. "I've been wanting to get circumsized for 37 years, and I've finally done it."

The first man looks panicked and says, "Shit!! That's the word!"